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The Week’s Most Scion, Zion, and In-Like-a-Lion Headlines

KURDS AND WHY
Mohammed El-Kurd bills himself as “the first-ever Palestine correspondent for The Nation.” Though technically, that’s not true. There’ve been others, but they’ve always blown themselves up on day one because they didn’t like their desk location, or the coffee, or they just had a bad case of the Mondays.

But “Muslim poet” El-Kurd (who displays his dedication to energy conservation by only lighting half of his Twitter profile pic) is hanging in there. Last week El-Kurd, a Media Fellow at the Annenberg Innovation Lab (he thought it was the kind of lab with bomb-making chemicals), complained on Twitter that, gosh darn it, the world don’t let Palestinians do nuthin’!

You can’t protest peacefully. You can’t boycott. You can’t hunger strike. You can’t hijack planes. You can’t block traffic. You can’t throw Molotovs. You can’t self-immolate. You can’t heckle politicians. You can’t march. You can’t riot. You can’t dissent. You just can’t be.

Let’s break that down:

“You can’t protest peacefully.” No, you won’t protest peacefully. Big difference!

“You can’t boycott.” Dozens of countries boycott Israeli goods. The boycotts have put a dent in Israel’s prime exports: abrasive wholesalers and hairy women who shriek.

“You can’t hunger strike.” You kidding? A few weeks ago Palestinian students at Harvard conducted a twelve-hour hunger strike! Twelve whole hours! One akbar lost so much weight he had to tighten his suicide belt.

“You can’t hijack planes.” History suggests otherwise.

“You can’t block traffic.” Please do! In Baltimore during rush hour.

“You can’t throw Molotovs.” At each other? Have at it!

“You can’t self-immolate.” A Kentucky-fried airman seemed to do that just fine last week.

“You can’t heckle politicians.” Sadly, the most heckle-worthy are the ones on your side.

“You can’t march.” True, Arabs have lousy rhythm; bring in the Black Muslims.

“You can’t riot.” Stop giving Hillary Benghazi flashbacks.

“You can’t dissent.” Indeed; Hamas allows no dissent in Gaza. But in the U.S.? You seem to be bitching away just fine and getting paid for it.

“You just can’t be.” If only.

El-Kurd has a poetry anthology releasing this year featuring his greatest hits: Jabbar-wocky, Explode on a Grecian Urn, and The Hostage Not Taken. Publishers Weekly calls it “dynamite.”

“THAT SHOWED ’EM, HUH?”
Leftists finally found a white man they like. And all he had to do was burn himself to a crisp in the name of brown people.

Aaron Bushnell, an IT guy for the Air Force, immolated himself in front of the Israeli Embassy in D.C. last week while screaming “Free Palestine.” Chief among burning Bushnell’s supporters is Pink Floyd’s Roger Waters, an aging Nazi who eulogized the human torch on Twitter as an “all-American hero.”

Turns out when Waters wrote the song “Have a Cigar,” he meant “Be a Cigar.”

Bushnell live-streamed his agonizing death. His final words to his Twitch followers were “Remember to like and char!”

As bad as Bushnell’s soot-in was, in terms of suicidal futile gestures, a batty transgender bean in NYC has him beat. Victor Cazares, a playwright from rural Mexico, is protesting the Gaza war by not taking his AIDS meds. Cazares, who uses the pronouns they/them/leafblower, has pledged to never again take his lifesaving Atripla pills until there’s a ceasefire, and he’s hoping to persuade other gays with AIDS to do the same.

Finally, a reason for far-rightists to support the continued Israeli offensive.

As Cazares wastes away, members of the New York Theater Workshop where he’s “in residence” (i.e., he sweeps up) are mourning one of the finest Mexican playwrights who ever lived. Among his notable works: The Importance of Being Ernesto, The Miracle-Gro Worker, The Iceman Moweth, The Death of Emmett Roto-Till, King Shear, Leaf Her to Heaven, and the classic Troilus and Grassida.

Cazares is survived by the fifty men who got AIDS from him once his viral load returned.

SMALL TOWN, BIG TRANNY
“Dime Doe” is what Homer Simpson says when he’s 10 cents short for the candy machine.

“Dime?” [Digs in pocket, finds only lint] “D’oh!”

Dime Doe is also the name of a black tranny who lived in Allendale, S.C., population 7,579. The town’s almost entirely black; the sole McDonald’s closed years ago because the workers would beat themselves up for undercooking fries. There are ten Asians in Allendale, imported from abroad to give the residents pedestrians to punch. The Allendale High yearbook includes such categories as “most likely to draw 25-to-life before graduation” and “least likely to survive swim class.”

Allendale does have one of the highest violent crime rates in the U.S. So when Dime Doe decided to go tranny, he likely knew he was taking his chances. Doe attracted the romantic advances of local tough guy Daqua Lameek Ritter, a transplant from NYC (he was exiled after violating Mayor Adams’ “50 strikes and you’re out” policy, in which you can push 49 tourists under subway cars, but 50 gets you a one-way bus ticket).

According to NPR, Ritter found himself attracted to Doe’s “kindness and generosity.” And his large male member.

Ritter insisted on keeping the relationship on the down-low. And when word got out, Ritter handled it with maturity over tea and cucumber sandwiches.

Just kidding! He shot Doe point-blank.

Daqua Lameek Ritter is no relation to John Ritter, but one can imagine him in a woke Three’s Company reboot.

Chrissy: “Where’s Mr. Furley?”

Ritter: “I kilt dat faggot. You next if you talk, bitch.”

Last week Ritter was convicted of a federal hate crime for killing a tranny, which will actually draw more prison time than if he’d just been convicted of murder. Poor bastard should’ve stayed in New York and stuck to tourists.

SANCTUARY MUCH?
Speaking of New York, Mayor Adams has been getting an earful from his black constituents (the only people he listens to) regarding the locust infestation of immigrants that’s descended upon the city. Turns out black New Yorkers aren’t too keen on seeing layabouts from Venezuela, Honduras, Guatemala, and Haiti get free stuff from the government.

Because that stuff’s supposed to go to them!

Last week Adams dramatically reversed course on “sanctuary cities,” demanding an overhaul of the system so that immigrants who commit crimes can be turned over to ICE and deported.

“Crimes in NYC should be left to residents of NYC!” Adams told a group of enraged blacks at a town hall. “We will not stand idly by as our city leaders outsource punching Rick Moranis to unqualified foreigners. We must stop farming out the senseless violence that defines this city.”

Even Orthodox Jews have been complaining that they no longer understand their attackers. “Used to be, you got decked on a street corner, it was by a guy who spoke English,” Bed-Stuy resident Chaim Hertzby Schwartzes told the AP. “Today? It’s all Spanish! It’s meshuggeneh.”

For his part, Rick Moranis added, “I don’t mind getting beaten by Haitians; I grew up in Canada, so I speak French. But the Venezuelans, their dialect is hard to grasp, especially when I’m already dizzy from the concussion.”

Black Democrats in Chicago are also pushing for the reform of their city’s sanctuary policies. Black-majority cities may not have a problem with cheap immigrant labor, but cheap immigrant crime has finally motivated the locals to defend what they do best.

HATE CRIMES OF THE MIND
It isn’t just blacks who’ve finally had enough of illegal immigrants. Old-school Cubans in Hialeah, Fla., (95 percent Hispanic) are protesting the influx of huddled massers. Many residents of Hialeah want Governor DeSantis to ship the unwelcome newcomers elsewhere, as Texas’ Governor Abbott’s been doing.

Indeed, last week Abbott took to Twitter to state:

Texas has transported over 104,000 migrants to sanctuary cities: 12,500 to DC, 38,300 to NYC, 31,700 to Chicago, 3,400 to Philadelphia, 16,400 to Denver, 1,500 to LA. Our mission provides crucial relief to our overwhelmed border communities.

No offense to the governor, but sending 1,500 beans to L.A. has about as much impact as a woman in India having triplets. It’s the dictionary definition of statistical insignificance.

The Biden administration is unconcerned with complaints from GOP strongholds like Hialeah, but the anger in Dem cities like NYC and Chicago stings. So to remind blacks that they remain No. 1 in Biden’s heart, last week the FBI released a report assuring blacks that they’re the top victims of “hate crimes” in America, more than Jews, brownies, or trannies.

The FBI report stated that black children are routinely victimized by hate crimes in schools. Because we’ve all seen those videos of gangs of white kids stomping a poor defenseless black.

The FBI’s claim of rampant black victimization in schools was so absurd, so impossible to believe, that the media buried the story, leading to outrage from black leaders, who demanded that the Smollett-esque hoax report receive greater exposure.

“Where’s the outrage over the FBI’s report on the rise in anti-Black hate in America? Anti-Black hate is on the rise and nobody cares,” whined “Dr.” Ricky Jones, Baldwin-King Scholar-in-Residence and Professor of Pan-African Studies at the University of Louisville.

When addressing the obvious fact that there’s zero evidence of black students being “hate-crimed” in schools, Jones stated that this is because the black victims are (he really said this) “attacked psychically.”

Yes, white people are Scanners. Using mind-power, they force blacks to kill each other, get bad grades, riot, do drugs, and avoid child support.

Remember Dionne Warwick’s “Psychic Friends Network”? Turns out she should’ve been worrying about psychic enemies.