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The Week’s Most Wining, Dining, and Be-My-Valentining Headlines

HOLLYWOOD’S BLACKLIST
Santa’s Village was an amusement park where kids could experience Christmas year-round. Black History Month is the Santa’s Village of observances. Every month in the U.S. is a forced celebration of blacks.

To kick off BHM, BlackHorrorMovies.com noted that in 2023, black-themed horror films became the dominant type of horror flick.

So what’s in store for 2024? Well, the studios have a lengthy lineup of movies nobody’s going to see but they’ll tell their friends at work they did lest they get fired by the company’s DEI czar.

Fries-day the 13th. A black man named Jayson is given cold fries at summer camp, so he murders the counselors. He’s unstoppable because every time he’s caught, George Gascon lets him go.

Night of the Living Dread. The Rastafarian who slaughtered Kelsey Grammer’s father returns to life to demand a recurring role on the Frasier reboot.

Nosferatutu. Bishop Desmond Tutu kills white South Africans to feed his insatiable lust for blood.

The Hair Bitch Project. A possessed weave ripped off during a McDonald’s brawl seeks vengeance against those who wronged it.

Child’s Pay. A demonic doll named Chucky demands child support from its father Chaka.

The Black From the Creature Lagoon. A black dude who drowned in a haunted lagoon is reanimated as a zombie, but he drowns again before he can claim any victims.

Interestingly, while “black horror” is now horror’s most common subgenre, it’s not the most profitable. Maybe because given the daily headlines, there’s enough “black horror” in real life. Why pay $12 for more?

IT’S A WONDERFUL LOWLIFE
Sticking with black movies, Black-ish creator Kenya Barris announced last week that he’s remaking the Hollywood classic It’s a Wonderful Life, but “through the lens of a person of color.”

In the black version, DEI hire George Bailfree, so named because he lives in New York where black criminals never have to post bail, is accused on Christmas Eve of embezzling from his bank (which he did). When federal examiners show up and it looks like George might face repercussions for once, he flees his home and decides to jump off a bridge into a raging creek. After jumping, his black guardian angel Clarence Williams tries to save him, but drowns. As does the next black guardian angel, Clarence Clemons. And the next, Clarence Gilyard.

Yes, even black angels can’t swim.

George uses the corpses of the drowned angels as a pontoon bridge to dry land, where he meets his final guardian angel, Clarence Thomas, who’s not technically an angel but just got tired of seeing all the other bruthas drown. Thomas shows George what the world would be like if he’d never been born: fast-food workers without concussions, qualified white men in the position he won via affirmative action, Asians graduating from colleges they couldn’t attend because he was given their spot, Orthodox Jews with unbroken jaws, and lower welfare expenditures because he hadn’t fathered and abandoned 37 kids.

Realizing that he has indeed lived a wonderful life, George joyously runs through town yelling, “Merry Christmas,” only stopping briefly to sucker punch Rick Moranis. When George arrives home, he finds that the black townspeople have gathered there to kill the bank examiners. DA Alvin Bragg reassures them that all murders in New York are legal unless it’s a white dude trying to restrain a black psycho on a subway train.

As the gatherers sing “Auld Lang Syne,” a bell on the Christmas tree rings. George, mindful of the black guardian angels who helped him, looks skyward and declares, “Every time a bell rings, a black angel gets chicken wings.”

Sadly, the wings are served cold, and fifteen more black guardian angels die in the resulting riot.

The Wonderful Life reboot will debut on Netflix next Christmas. A refreshing addition because only 95 percent of Netflix fare is black.

ROS ANGEROUS TIMES
Last week 60 Minutes shocked its remaining viewers, most of whom think it’s still 1992 (“Honey, turn on Mad About You. That Paul Reiser’s a hoot!”), with footage of Chinese illegals marching through the San Diego border as BP agents look the other way like a Chinese waiter when you need a refill.

And as Chins are “wokking” into Carifornia unobstructed, in Los Angeles, a Chinese drama’s playing out with the L.A. Times, the city’s only paper of record (well, only English-language paper of record. El Periódico de Leaf Blowers Buenos has the highest readership in the Southwest).

And the Times drama invites the question…what’s worse than a pox? As in, what do you say when “a pox on both your houses” isn’t a strong enough sentiment for a feud in which both sides are unspeakably foul?

Times owner Patrick Soon-Shiong, a Chinese billionaire, is a far-leftist whose Antifa daughter patrols the newsroom nixing stories about black crime. Times editor Kevin Merida (who be so black he turn every room dark by absorbin’ all the light), who’s spent his tenure defending Hamas and also nixing stories about black crime, needed at least one crime story for the paper’s Metro page. So he found what he thought was the perfect choice: A rich white surgeon has a dog who superficially bit a woman at a Westside park.

Yes, in a city filled with murders by blacks released by DA Gascon, the only crime story Merida (who be so black McDonald’s workers get stigmata when he enters, in anticipation of the bloodletting) chose was about a white guy whose dog nipped a woman on the hand.

Unfortunately for Merida, Chinks don’t like nips. Turns out that rich dog-owner is Soon-Shiong’s friend! He ordered Merida to kill the story. Merida refused, citing Soon-Shiong’s motto, “In China, man eats dog is NOT news. Dog eats man? NEWS!”

Soon-Shiong, his commie daughter, and Merida are now engaged in an all-out fight for control of the paper. And, what with the paper’s love of Hamas, if an errant IDF bomb were to vaporize all parties, nothing of value would be lost.

Hopefully Israel can make that happen.

A bagel and lox on both their houses.

THE BANNEDOLORIAN
There’s a Kids in the Hall sketch in which a guy’s at a party where there’s a kebab station. He eats a kebab and chokes on it. Returning from the ER, he eats the kebab again, just to prove he can. And he chokes. Returning again from the ER, he again eats the kebab, and again chokes.

Like most Kids in the Hall sketches, it’s funnier in the retelling, which itself isn’t terribly funny.

What is funny is that conservatives seem determined to act out that sketch in real life regarding Holocaust memes. No matter how many times rightists get in trouble for posting Holocaust memes, they keep doin’ it…just like that guy with the kebab.

Gina Carano, who’s either an expressionless untalented actress or a large piece of driftwood that washed up on a Malibu beach and was mistaken for human by a legally blind talent agent, announced last week that she’s teaming up with Elon Musk—who’s either an expressionless deathly-pale billionaire or a poorly crafted department store mannequin for the portly men’s section—to sue Disney for firing Carano after she tweeted a Holocaust meme comparing the mass murder of Jews to conservatives banned on social media.

She’s obviously not driftwood, because only a human could be that stupid.

Carano’s Holocaust meme featured the image of a raped and beaten Jewish woman, which Carano described as representing “Germans turning their neighbors against the Jews.” Except the photo was of the Lviv massacre, committed by Ukrainians, a people so fond of mass-lynching Jews that their highest-grossing 1940s children’s movie was titled Wallace and Pogromit.

Certainly that dying Jewish woman’s last thought was, “I hope one day the image of my impending death is exploited by a bimbo so talentless she was out-acted by a muppet.”

The first planning session regarding the lawsuit didn’t go well, as oblivious staffers returned Carano to the ocean from which she came, and shipped Musk to the Macy’s fat guys department.

“SPECIAL” EDUCATOR
This year, newly unemployed Shellyne Rodriguez is buying her Black History Month feast with an EBT card (which, to be fair, is the traditionally observed manner for most celebrants). Rodriguez is the former Hunter College professor who got in trouble last year for attacking an anti-abortion student group. When a reporter asked for an interview, she held a machete to his throat and threatened to chop him up, chasing him down the street with the weapon.

Hunter fired her, not accepting her “cultural identity” defense that chopping someone with a machete is simply the standard African way of saying “no” (Nigerian marriage proposals have a 50 percent chance of ending in bloodshed).

Rodriguez took a plea deal in the machete case; she was sentenced to three months of behavioral therapy.

Three months to “reform” Shellyne Rodriguez? It takes longer than that to potty-train a dog, and they have bigger brains and greater sentience.

Of course, being black in NYC, Rodriguez was soon hired by the Cooper Union for the Advancement of Science and Art, as part of its plan to rebrand as the Cooper Union for Stone Age Regression.

At Cooper, Rodriguez helmed the MA (Machete Armed) program. Unfortunately, she also ran the JD (Jews Die!) program. Rodriguez has moved on from threatening newsmen to threatening Jewsmen. After a series of posts attacking Jews (including images of Jews photoshopped as cockroaches), Rodriguez was, once again, fired.

Back to behavioral therapy for her.

One of these days, it’ll have to take!