Source: MC Theo

The Week’s Most Shaking, Baking, and Resolution-Breaking Headlines

PLATE OUTTA COMPTON
As Governor Newsom rolls out statewide free healthcare for all illegals, Californians who complain are scolded about how immigrants are needed because their “food is better.”

Well, immigrants giveth and immigrants taketh away.

Or taketh out.

Now that Compton, California—birthplace of gangsta rap—is 72 percent Hispanic, the nature of the city’s crime has changed: Way fewer murders over sneakers, but ¡ay yi yi! don’t be rude when it comes to food. On New Year’s Eve, a rancho of young Compton hombres was having a 1 a.m. “street takeover” (Fast and Furious-style street racing). Though technically illegal, street takeovers are allowed because county DA George Gascon gets sexually aroused by young Mexican men in fast cars. “Ay papi, do donuts on me, hombrecito guapo! Pull my clutch!”

After pointlessly racing in circles for an hour, the Barrio Andrettis found themselves a mite peckish. And wouldn’t you know it, right next to their racing site was Ruben’s Mexican Food, an eatery that, based on its Yelp reviews, has a history of being rude to customers.

So the reveleros drove a car through the storefront and cleaned it out.

Several local news outlets incorrectly reported the looted restaurant as “Ruby’s Bakery,” because whites in the media still can’t accept that Compton’s not black anymore, and it made for better copy to pretend it was some kindly old black woman’s chicken and waffle shop (“Oh lawdy, dey dun stoled my banana puddin’!”).

Security cameras captured the attack. The suspects are described as Hispanic males, medium height. Police are questioning 90 percent of Los Angeles.

Hopefully they’ll have better luck than the cops who still haven’t cracked the case from August, when a deli in the Jewish Pico/Robertson district was broken into after hours.

Though there are still no clues regarding the suspects, cops assume them to be black, because nothing was stolen. Counterintuitive as that may seem, remember that deli food is usually served cold. Cops assume the burglary happened because Jamaal and Darquella saw the sign “Buy Herring Here” and assumed it was a jewelry store.

PASTOR AL PASTOR
With Mexicans making headlines for food stories, blacks are having to up their game.

And boy, did they ever last week in High Point, N.C.

Coming soon from McD’s—the Nappy Meal.

57-year-old local pastor Dwayne Waden rushed to a nearby McDonald’s, where his wife, Latoya Gladney (nothing says “good Christian marriage” like a husband and wife having different last names), was training as a manager. Apparently, she’d called her hubby to complain that one of her young underlings had “disrespected” her on the job, so Pastor Waden, a black gentleman of estimable size, stormed into the kitchen, grabbed the offending coworker (a young black man) by the neck, and tried to stick his face in the deep fryer.

Talk about the world’s worst baptism! You’ve heard of “anointing with oil,” but this is ridiculous.

Pastor Waden, a.k.a. Crispus Attack-us, was arrested by cops. Although his denomination was not released by police, it was likely Mangle-ican. Or possibly Char-ismatic.

His church HQ is now known as the Holy Frica-See.

Martin Luther Singe was booked on charges of assault and beer-battery. He told local media that he was simply following in the footsteps of his hero, W.E.B. Du Boils and the Panfry-African Movement. When asked what he’s going to do with his time in jail, Waden stated that he plans to write his autobiography: The Fryer Next Time.

Perhaps the worst part of the story is, once the young black worker’s head was pulled out of the fryer, he began brawling with his colleagues, complaining that he wasn’t hot enough.

HARVARD BARD
Gone be now our Gay a’ peril. Harvard prez Claudine Gay is finally out following an ever-growing mountain of plagiarism charges. And CNN is mourning the loss, with network hack Matt Egan bitching that all Gay did was steal people’s “words,” but not their “ideas.”

Yes, to CNN, only patent disputes count as plagiarism.

Not that Gay helped her cause by telling supporters to buy her new invention: “Claudine Gay here for ShamWow! Cleans the blood of massacred Jews in half the time!”

Gay should’ve gone on the counteroffensive, asserting that the authors from whom she pilfered actually stole from her! Because that’s the new thing. Blacks are now claiming that a black woman wrote Shakespeare’s works. And while there’s zero evidence of this (of course), there’s no denying that the first drafts of Shakespeare’s classics do suggest black influence.

Henry VI final version:

My brain more busy than the spider weave;
Fear me you but warm the starved snake,
Who will sting your hearts.

Original draft:

My brain more empty than my dyed-hair weave;
Fear me if you no not warm McDonald’s for this starved snake,
Who will sting you with a wet floor sign.

All’s Well That Ends Well:

I knew the young count to be a dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to virginity and devours up all the fry it finds.

Was actually…

I knew the young thug to be a dangerous boy named LaSivius, who be fat as a whale in Virginia and devours up all the fries he finds.

And Twelfth Night:

I am an ass: so that by my foes,
And by friends, I am abused,
So that, conclusions to be as kisses,
If your four negatives make your two affirmatives,
Why then, the better for my foes.

Started as…

I gots a big ass; I can’t see my toes,
And by whitey, I am abused,
So that, Caucasians be ass-kissers,
If your four niggatives make your Affirmative Action,
Why then, the better for stank hoes.

THE “NO TRUE CHINAMAN” PHALLUSY
Talk about penis envy.

The Chinese have serious issues with animals and weenies. According to their “medicine,” eating a tiger penis mixed with herbs will increase not just the size of a man’s member, but his sexual stamina as well.

As for the tiger, he goes on to a successful singing career as countertenor in the jungle choir.

In fact, the Chinese trade in penises is wiping out a whole bunch of species. In 2022, officials in Nigeria seized several thousand donkey cocks at Lagos Airport. The donkey dongs were scheduled to be shipped to China, where, again, they’re used in “traditional medicine” (the Chinese believe that if you ingest enough donkey penises, you can bypass Harvard’s anti-Asian quotas because the admissions board will think you’re black).

The trafficking in penises is so prevalent and financially rewarding, Nigeria’s animal population is almost exhausted. So beware; the next “Nigerian Prince” who emails you might be looking for something more than just your credit card number.

The Chinese are so obsessed with animal schlongs, they’ve actually started making their own. Last week a 2018 “study” in the Oxford Journal of Sexual Medicine, published on the National Institutes of Health website, went viral. Turns out the Chins are growing artificial penises on dogs to be harvested for tranny surgery. Then the mutilated dogs are killed (hey, Fauci needs a hobby).

So, to summarize, the Chinese eat penises, make penises, eat dogs, and put penises on dogs.

Mao Zedong would be proud.

Now that California officially mandates “gender neutral” aisles in stores, no word on if stores will also be forced to sell lab-grown Chinese doggy-dicks. Perhaps for once it’s good that something isn’t made in America. But it’s only a matter of time before such conscienceless butchery comes here.

After all, Fauci needs a hobby.

CONGO LINE
Bongo, bongo, bongo, I don’t wanna leave the Congo, oh no no no,
Bingo, bangle, bungle, I got slaughtered in the jungle so the trees could grow!

And since we were just in Nigeria, why not skip over to the Congo to wrap things up?

The Atlantic, always the first to make any black person’s death at the hands of a white a genocide, has taken a new relaxed line regarding actual black genocide.

Yes, if D’Slaymius Jackson tries to rob a white man and gets shot for his troubles, it’s an outrage.

But 3 million dead blacks?

It’s good for the trees!

No joke; last week The Atlantic ran a piece about how the never-ending wars in the Congo have preserved the region’s pristine rainforest. The essay’s author, Atlantic writer Ross Andersen, gives two main reasons why the life-giving trees have thrived even as death has raged around them for decades.

First, it’s because “the perpetrators of genocide seek refuge there.”

The wily Africans have kept the trees standing so that warlords can hightail it to a hiding place like Stepin Fetchit running from a ghost.

“Ficus don’t fail me now!”

The other reason provided by Andersen is that with everyone in the Congo killing everyone else, foreign companies that work forests for timber stay out, as it’s just too dangerous.

Ah, the Congolese; so determined to save trees, they’re willing to kill millions of their own to protect their timber from being harvested.

The spirit of Patrice Lumbermumba lives on.

To be fair, Andersen does seem regretful that the only way to retain the forest is if Congolese keep dying. “What a tragedy,” he writes (cut to a beheaded tribesman: “You’re telling ME!”).

Bookmark the piece and the next time some woke activist tells you that your haircut or word choice or support for cops is “killing black people,” pull up the essay and reply, “Hey—I’m doin’ it for the trees.”

Blacks might have a tough time getting credit, but they sure make excellent carbon credit.