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The Week’s Most Hopping, Bopping, and Champagne-Popping Headlines

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, AUTOPSIES MATTER
In 2024, immigration would be the No. 1 winning issue for the GOP, so don’t count on Republicans to touch it with a ten-foot pole.

Still, if any GOPs do want to play their party’s winning hand, they need look no further than Vergilio Aguilar Mendez.

Mendez is the photo that accompanies the encyclopedia entry for “not sending their best.” The 18-year-old Guatemalan “immigrant” is, according to his own attorney, functionally retarded and nonfunctionally violent due to impulse-control issues.

And you’d think that would be bad enough.

Because that would be bad enough.

But remember—the motto of Guatemala, the nation that immediately follows Mexico to the south, is “You think you’ve seen bad enough? Welcome to worse.”

Mendez speaks a bizarre “indigenous” Guatemalan language called Mam (not to be confused with the indigenous language of American cowboys, “Howdy Mam,” or the indigenous language of Jews in blackface, “Mam-mee”). Retarded violent powder-keg Mendez caravanned to the U.S. knowing he speaks a language even Mexicans can’t understand (Guatemalans only exist to give Mexicans someone to look down on…they’re the fat bespectacled pimple-faced high school nerd who allows the thin bespectacled pimple-faced high school nerd to say, “Well, at least I’m not fat”), and what happens next? He trespasses on private property and attacks the cop who tried to question him.

Surely his indigenous cries of “ixtopoctle pterodactypoctle click-click-click quetzquaxtle” should’ve smoothed everything over.

And then, after wrestling with Rainforest Man as he resisted arrest, the cop—a 52-year-old with 26 years on the job—had a fatal heart attack.

And the medical examiner was like, “Ahhh, he had hypertension. He’d have died anyway!”

And the media’s cheering it.

Cut to Derek Chauvin in his isolation cell realizing that the country of his birth would’ve treated him a lot different had he been a foreign brown tard who spoke a dead language.

WEBSTER OF LIES
In keeping with annual tradition, last week Merriam-Webster’s announced its “word of the year.”

Bear in mind that Webster’s isn’t exactly culture-war neutral; this is the “dictionary” that switched the definition of “woman” from “biologically female human” to “whatever men say it is; now don’t worry your pretty little head about it princess and get back in the kitchen.”

So 2023’s “word of the year”?

Authentic.

Webster’s provided some relevant uses of the term from the year’s news:

The white man was forced to stop selling tacos because they’re not authentic unless cooked by a Hispanic.

The Chinese musician provided the most authentic version of Bach’s Cello Suites ever.

The Irish Prime Minister welcomed the newest planeload of Nigerians by saying, “It’s good to have authentic Irish back in their ancestral home.”

Bud Light was attacked by right-wingers for hiring an authentic woman to sell its delicious brew.

Djimon Hounsou was praised for his authentic performance as Frank Lloyd Wright in the Netflix biopic Darchitect.

Hamas activist Mahmoud es Fou-el condemned eyewitness descriptions of rape at the Nova music festival as not authentic. “They say the women screamed,” Fou-el told the AP. “That’s false; we covered their mouths.” Then he paused and said, “Oh, crap…”

“Webster’s definitions are not authentic,” said everyone in the world who cares about words.

The runner-up for word of the year was fryzee—“A frenzy brought on by fries served at subpar temperatures.” See also: brawl weavil—“The shed exofilament littering the floor following a fryzee.”

THE BIONIC MENSCH
Elon Musk has a robot rebellion on his hands. Last week in Austin, a robot that was programmed to “grab and move car parts” decided it preferred to grab and move human parts. The robot violently seized a human worker (who, ironically, was just about to activate software to disable the grab-bots, but he was running late because Travis County mandates a two-hour meth break before each shift), “pinned the man,” then “sank its metal claws into the worker’s back and arm.”

The worker lost a large chunk of flesh. And while pundits are making the easy-joke “rise of the machines” quips, it’s interesting to note that the amount of flesh the worker lost measured exactly one pound.

With his enthusiastic Twitter platforming and amplification of Jew-hatred and Holocaust denial, Elon may have pushed the Jews a little too far. Would it be a surprise if the people who crippled Iran’s entire nuclear industry with Stuxnet could create software that turns Musk’s robots into Shakespeare’s flesh-hungry Jew?

Behold, Shynet.

Coming in 2024: The Terminatorah.

“If you prick us, we do not bleed…YOU DO.”

The mass production of Jew-bots would certainly make life harder for street thugs; NYC hospitals would be flooded with black men with busted hands (“Man, dat Jew I sucka punched gots a jaw o’ steel!”).

So perhaps Musk’s best move, if he wants to mend fences after a year in which he repeatedly found himself at odds with organized Jewry, is to assembly-line Jewish cyborgs.

Sure, there’ll be ancillary problems; the “cybergs” will use their wealth and guile to steal all the blonde gentile sex robots, but hey, there are always gonna be trade-offs.

THE FRYNAL SOLUTION
Of course, it’s all fun and games to joke about Musk’s killer robots, but here’s an AI story that’s disturbingly true. McDonald’s was so badly plagued in 2023 by black violence over cold fries, the company is literally working on anti-cold-fry AI to stem the losses incurred via employee injuries.

According to The Verge, “McDonald’s is partnering with Google to deploy generative AI beginning in 2024” to ensure that “large orders of fries are delivered hot.”

“McDonald’s isn’t specific about how the AI will be used,” but “the system will help managers quickly spot and enact solutions to reduce business disruptions.”

Because surely it takes a robot to tell a black customer from a white one.

Meanwhile, the NY Post published a “hack” to ensure that your McDonald’s fries are scalding-hot every time: Just specify “no salt,” which means the workers have to make a batch especially for you. It’s a neat trick, but unlikely to help, because (a) blacks love salt like they love hypertension and diabetes, and it’s unlikely that potential brawlers will comprehend that they can add the salt themselves after receiving the order, and (b) thugs are unlikely to read the Post because they can’t read at all.

It’s impressive the extent to which, from Google to the Post, there’s an ongoing quest to stop cold-fry violence. Young blacks are America’s foodies, accent on the “dies.” On Christmas Day, a black vagrant with a lengthy rap sheet stabbed two South American tourists who were dining at a Grand Central Station eatery (Cavern on the Spleen, which offers a bird’s-eye view of commuters crushed and disemboweled after being pushed onto the tracks by schizos).

The vagrant, “Father Christmassacre,” asked to sit next to “the crackers,” only to declare that he wanted “all white people dead” as he stabbed the two young Paraguayan diners.

The tourists are expected to survive, and they’ll have wonderful tales to tell back home about how the fact that American blacks thought they were “crackers” confirmed everything they’d ever read about the genius of American blacks.

HOLIDAY ROADKILL
On Dec. 27, pro-Hamas protesters in the U.S. rolled out a nationwide airport blockade in which noble leftists fighting for the right of Muslims to rape and murder Jews linked arms and prevented entry to LAX, JFK, and O’Hare, keeping travelers from their flights.

The normally busy airports became so deserted, Sam Brinton had to obtain luggage by buying it at a store.

This capped a year in which “climate activists” in the U.K. and Europe (including Greta Thunberg, a.k.a. “the dwarf from Twin Peaks as a tranny”) made a cottage industry out of blockading highways, “slow-walking” traffic on busy streets, defacing buildings, and vandalizing museums.

So last week the AP decided to run a piece explaining how protests that involve violence and the use of force are actually the most important facets of a well-functioning democracy.

And the hack writer they chose to pen the piece?

Jill Lawless.

Because apparently Carl Chaos, Annie Anarchic, and Bob Barbarous were unavailable.

Lawless argues that even though, in the U.K., it’s great that anyone who misgenders a tranny gets tossed into prison, the people who must never be touched by law enforcement are “activists who have blocked roads and bridges, glued themselves to trains, splattered artworks with paint, sprayed buildings with fake blood, doused athletes in orange powder and more to draw attention to the threats posed by climate change.”

She describes these “activists” as “peaceful,” which would’ve been 2023’s largest and most pungent pile of verbal BS had Jonathan Majors not called himself “a great man.”

To be fair to the pro-Hamas protesters, they do represent a step up for violent activists, because whereas BLM “cops are genociding blacks” militants and Thunberg “the earth is on fire” radicals campaign for phony crises, at least Hamas protesters are correct that their buddies are being killed…it’s just that nobody cares and any chance that somebody might start to care is quickly extinguished when a gang of tablecloth-wearing lunatics makes you late for your flight back home.

And with that, The Week That Perished wishes you safe travels and a joyous New Year.

May your fries be hot and your Thunbergs cold,
May you age better than Biden as you grow old.
May your life be less chaotic than GOP leadership,
And longer in tenure.
Thank you for your readership.

See you in 2024!