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The Week’s Most Dollying, Volleying, and Boughs-of-Hollying Headlines

ART-IS-ANAL CHRISTMAS
Sometimes conservatives come across like flat-earthers, in that they fail to see the curve. Last week’s outrage-du-jour involved a video posted by Her Lordship Dr. Jill Biden Ph.D. Ed.D. Esquire Esquivel. The video showed a breezy Nutcracker-themed tap routine performed by a New York dance troupe in the Christmas-decorated halls of the White House.

For some reason, conservatives declared it the greatest affront to Christmas since 1985’s Santa Claus: The Movie (never heard of it? Exactly). The fury appears to emanate from a belief on the part of rightists that the dancers’ costumes were Hunger Games–themed, when in fact they were based on Tchaikovsky Nutcracker characters.

It would be nice if the self-proclaimed “defenders of Western culture” actually knew Western culture (several of the more savvy conservatives, like Ann Coulter and “beloved” Takimag scribe Drunkowitz Dwarfenberg, took contrary positions, praising the video).

Grading on a curve, considering the extent to which Hollywood and other leftist institutions mangle beloved traditions, the fact that the video contained no twerking or same-sex snogging makes it based. At least based enough not to bitch about. Especially as the Christmas video suggested by Pete Buttigieg and Maxine Waters would’ve involved Lizzo shooting sugarplums out of her rectum as Sam Brinton dressed as Rudolph humps the leg of Rachel Levine playing Tranta Claus in a dildo workshop staffed by illegal Hondurans.

That said, far-leftists did get the Christmas video of their dreams…make that reams…as a legislative aide to Sen. Ben Cardin recorded an anal sex video in the Hart Senate Building (now known as the Hard Senate Building). The donner of gay apparel, Aidan Maese-Czeropski (ironically, AIDS and Maese-Czeropski is the clinical term for end-stage HIV), has been fired, not for violating the sanctity of the Senate but for not offering Cardin a reach-around.

Still, the news isn’t all bad for the Little Cummer Boy: He’s already landed a Netflix Christmas show. It involves the Island of Misfit Sex Toys, and the less said here, the better.

HA-MESS
Mr. Jill Biden was aroused from his cryo-chamber last week for a fundraiser in Beverly Hills. Due to threats by Palestinian beheaders-of-peace, the area surrounding the event was closed to traffic the entire weekend. Exactly what a Jewish neighborhood wants during Hanukkah.

The Biden shindig was supposed to be “star-studded,” but other than host Steven Spielberg, the only “celeb” who showed up was Lenny Kravitz. You know it’s a lousy celebrity event when the guy who played Mr. Belding would’ve gotten A-list seating.

Meanwhile, a pro-Gaza “comedy show” in Brooklyn hosted by “Muslim comedian” Ramy Youssef drew Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, and Cara Delevingne (the scowling toff-nosed Brit of royal lineage best known for inventing “resting-bitch-of-Buchenwald face”).

And Youssef was on fire that night (literally; the Molotov cocktail he planned to throw at Jews went off in his hands).

His material was actually quite strong.

“October 7th proved the old stereotype that Jewish children are always a-head of their class.”

“Say this about the Nova music festival; in terms of female-targeted marketing, it had solid penetration!”

“Hostages are like Pringles; you can’t take just one. And nobody wants to give ’em back after they’ve been used.”

Finally, in London, Eric Clapton (who long ago abandoned “keep Britain white” for “to hell with Britain; I’m fightin’ for Arabs now”) held a pro-Hamas concert, in which he demanded that Israel stop the shelling.

Clapton’s desire to end the bombing is understandable; he has an unfortunate history with objects falling from the sky.

MEATHEAD-OF-STATE
Democrats are increasingly concerned about Biden’s age. Dude’s so old, his Secret Service codename is Methuselah (which is better than Hunter’s codename, Smoking-meth-uselah). Voters worry that a second Biden term might be compromised by the fact that America relies on China for its supply of Depends. So Team Biden’s hard at work crafting propaganda about how the elderly can do anything a young’un can.

And now the propaganda’s progressed to litigation.

Meathead Movers is a gimmicky California moving company, in operation for over 25 years, in which buff college athletes looking to earn a few extra bucks put on a “show” while moving furniture, fridges, and such. They flex, jerk, pose, and jog when not carrying an item.

For California gays, Meathead Movers is the perfect way to “pop the cork” in a new home on moving day.

The Biden administration is suing Meathead Movers for not employing the elderly as movers (not as clerks, but movers). To be clear, even California, a state where you can be sued for discrimination for not having a token black at your wedding or serving “bland-ass” potato salad, sees nothing improper with the gimmick of a moving company comprised of bodybuilders.

In legal filings, Biden’s EEOC claims that it’s “ageist” to suggest that an 81-year-old can’t single-handedly carry a couch on his back like a 20-year-old muscle-head.

This from a president what gets a hernia lifting an ice cream cone.

Of course, once you claim that men can get pregnant and menstruate, you gotta seek new heights of unreality.

Should Meathead Movers be forced to hire oldies, it’s likely that the customer experience will be diminished.

Mover: “Help! I’m trapped under this terrible apparatus!”

Customer: “It’s a toaster.”

Mover: “Call FDR! Call the WPA! My spleen’s crushed!”

Hopefully, Biden’s newest idiotic move will spark a Democrat-on-Democrat war, as West Hollywood gays mourn the loss of seeing large packages move their large packages.

PITCHING WU, CATCHING POO
Poor Michelle Wu. The Taiwanese-American mayor of Boston was doing so well. Scientist parents, high school valedictorian, perfect SAT and ACT scores, she even managed to get into Harvard without fellating an admissions administrator (these days, that’s the only way around Ivy League Asian quotas). As mayor, Wu effortlessly balanced motherhood with her political duties (she was not only the first mayor in the city’s history to give birth while in office, she gave birth during her State of the City address, without using a teleprompter).

Such a high achiever! A charmed life, a high-functioning high-IQ go-getter, never failing, always reaching her goals.

Then she put a sensitive task in the hands of a black woman.

Tiger mom, meet cold fry-ger mom.

Wu had a top-secret email to send to city council “members of color”: a clandestine holiday party invite, no whites allowed. Because certainly Wu has more in common with City Councilmember L’Dariuss “Stank-Ass” Odom, who not only failed the SAT and ACT, he didn’t even correctly spell the test names, than she has with some white dude who had to overcome the same quotas she did to get into college.

Wu assigned the task of sending out the sooper-secret email to her assistant, a black queen named Denise DosSantos (originally Denise DosEquis, but she changed it because “that beer be nasty”).

Literally, all this majestic person of color had to do was send the invite to the six “colored” council members, and not the seven white ones.

But that task involved math, so D’oh-Santos sent it to everyone.

To be fair, when she was hired she wasn’t told that her job would involve counting.

So of course now there’s a scandal, as Boston’s whites, who long ago traded effective governance for the ego boost of watching bad actors ape their idiotic accent, are wondering if it’s legal for government officials to exclude other officials based on race.

Holiday tears for Michelle Wu: The last time something yellow sank so quickly in Boston, the British were losing their crates of souchong to the briny depths.

MODS AND MODESTY
In a startling development, social media leftists have decided to respect the privacy of murdered Jews.

Because up till now, anytime leftists would see a propaganda opportunity when trying to paint rightists as Nazis, out came the photos of Holocaust victims—the naked, emaciated, dead, or dying human skeletons at camps like Bergen-Belsen.

Rightist: “I think maybe we should tighten amnesty laws.”

Leftist: “MONSTER! SEE the results of your Nazism. Look at these bare-assed full-frontal zombies plowed into mass graves. This is what your racism leads to, and we owe it to ourselves to forever fixate on and replay the footage of these people who never actually signed releases to become poster-corpses for political fetishes, but hey—I’m certain each one of them would be really happy to know that even in the year 2023, strangers are gawking at their shriveled nads just to dunk on Republicans.”

Weirdly, though, today, as Jews are being kidnapped, tortured, and killed in the present, Meta—parent company of Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and Cyberdyne Killbots Inc., has decided that showing footage of Hamas savagery must be banned…to respect the dignity of the Jewish victims!

Ain’t that odd…as long as the perpetrators were white, there was never any concern about “dignity” while endlessly replaying footage of naked dying Jews. But now that the perps are Akbars, all of a sudden, one must never show their misdeeds, lest the Jews they’ve tortured or killed be seen in an undignified moment.

Surely the decision has nothing to do with shielding the savage actions of brown folks from public scrutiny.

Meta’s oversight board objected to the removal of Hamas atrocity footage. Fortunately, the Killbots took care of that problem (R.I.P. oversight board). The new board members have promised to be less uppity, though they did suggest a compromise—allow the footage, but use AI to make every Hamas thug look like 1970s Jon Voight.

And every victim like Joy Behar, to make the deaths less disturbing.