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The Week’s Most Wasting, Pasting, and Turkey-Basting Headlines

RICKET SCIENTISTS
Welcome to this weekend’s edition of Lowclassterpiece Theatre.

When Minot, North Dakota, resident Steven Riley, a “son of the soil” who’d dedicated his life to learning how to open beer cans from the correct end, was informed that he’d inherited $30 million, he knew exactly what he’d do once the money arrived: He’d dump his pig-faced girlfriend Ina Kenoyer.

For years, hapless Riley had been living off the proceeds of the PSAs Kenoyer would do for the state, warning of the hazards of bestiality. But now, with $30 mil en route, he’d be movin’ on to a woman who doesn’t look like the Twilight Zone “plastic surgery episode” freaks.

When Kenoyer got wind of Riley’s plan, she removed her face from the trough long enough to tell her friends, “I’m gonna poison Steven with antifreeze and keep the money for myself.”

She literally told everyone who’d listen, “I’m about to poison Steven with antifreeze.” Then she poisoned Steven with antifreeze.

For some odd reason, detectives arrested her. Maybe it was the Coors bottle in Steven’s hand that was filled with antifreeze, and the nearby bottle of antifreeze with Kenoyer’s prints on it.

She might’ve gotten away with it, except for every single thing she did. Worse still, detectives informed her that even if she had gotten away with it, N.D. doesn’t recognize common-law inheritance; she wouldn’t have received the money anyway.

Worse worse still, turns out there was no inheritance; Riley had fallen for a “Nigerian prince” internet scam.

Because someone has to.

With Riley dead and Kenoyer in prison, America just got a few IQ points smarter.

FREDDIE THE FREEWAYLOADER
Thirty years ago, L.A. city leaders decided to abandon Downtown to the homeless (or as Governor Newsom calls them, “those currently experiencing homelessness”). Still, every few years some optimistic soul would try to bring nightlife back to an area in which the streets are tent cities and the parking lots charge upwards of $20 an hour (because parking on the street means you won’t have a car in an hour).

Most notably, in 2007 SNL icon Garrett Morris opened the Downtown Comedy Club. You may wonder why a man who’d previously been shot in the belly during a robbery attempt would lure patrons to an area where people are routinely shot in the belly during robbery attempts, but hey—public endangerment is easy; comedy is hard.

Morris’ club closed due to lack of business, after patrons kept getting shot in the belly during robbery attempts.

As of now, most of Downtown is just two things: storage yards and homeless encampments. And last week the two came together in glorious fashion, as a wood pallet storage yard went up in flames, then spread to a homeless camp, then spread to another storage yard, then spread to the fire truck that arrived on scene (yes, the fire truck burned down). The combined heat of the wood, vehicles, and bodies of homeless who are more Ripple than man wrecked a section of the 10 freeway, which connects Downtown to Santa Monica beach.

When detectives ruled the fire an arson, the eyes of Santa Monica residents guiltily darted back and forth like a Jap spy in a Hollywood WWII movie. “Hey, don’t look at us! We’re devastated that Downtowners can’t get here anymore!”

Hot on the trail of “those currently experiencing pyromania” is California Secretary of Transportation Toks Omishakin, a Nigerian whose name sounds like a dance craze from 1958. “Hey, kids, do the Omishakin!”

To his credit, Omishakin is doggedly pursuing the case even as he grieves over the fact that his latest mark in North Dakota was killed before the con was completed.

THE 2023 STOOGES
The left might have billionaire George Soros, but the right had Peter Thiel. Thiel, cofounder of PayPal, decided several years ago to transition from taking 15 percent plus a processing fee from grandmas selling crocheted tea cozies to backing rightist political candidates.

For conservatives, it was a dream—a billionaire of their own. Plus, it was like a rebate: The $10 in PayPal fees from that $25 Thomas Sowell potholder you bought on eBay would come back in the form of campaign donations to your favorite politico.

Except…whereas leftists treat Soros with deference, rightists saw Thiel and decided, “Let’s end him.” Last month, far-right con man Charles Johnson—whose hair is so clownishly red, black people hit him up for burgers—claimed that Thiel is a “fed informant.” Johnson told The Atlantic that he himself is a fed, a Biden leftist who posed as MAGA in order to gather dirt on Thiel.

Mission accomplished, Howdy Doody! Last week Thiel, shunned by rightists based on the word of “Wendy’s logo as autistic transman,” announced that he’s done giving money to politicians.

Give the right a Soros, they give him a sore-ass.

Meanwhile, in Congress, GOP Rep. Tim Burchett claimed that former speaker Kevin McCarthy painfully elbowed him in the kidneys, as another GOP rep, Markwayne Mullin—an MMA fighter—challenged a union thug to a fistfight on the House floor.

In the Nixon years, Republican “plumbers” were stealthy operatives who carried out secret actions in defense of the president. But today’s GOP “plumbers” are more like when the wealthy dowager needs her bathroom fixed before a fancy ball and Larry, Moe, and Curly show up, beating each other with wrenches as they drown the party guests.

If Lincoln had known what his party would become, he’d have grabbed Booth’s gun and done the job himself.

OVER(CORNPOP)ULATION
Last week, the U.S. Census Bureau announced that the global human population has surpassed 8 billion. And guess what? It’s all in the Third World.

That includes Gaza, where there’s supposedly a genocide going on. The Palestinian population “has risen from 1 million to 5 million since 1970 and absolute numbers are rising faster than at any point in history, with another 100,000 added every year.” Meaning that Jews are as good at genocide as they are at sports.

But the big boom is happening in Africa. Yes, the population that was supposedly going to be exterminated via AIDS. Talk about “worst genocide ever” (in terms of accomplishing the opposite of its goal). Whoever paid that green monkey to wipe out sub-Saharans deserves his money back.

According to The New York Times, within twenty years, one out of every four humans on earth will be black. A dystopian future indeed: riots over cold Soylent Green (“Man, I don’t want this cold-ass Soylent; gimme that goooood Soylent”), Asians becoming even more inscrutable due to facial paralysis from the constant punching, Starbucks converting all franchises into public toilets (and blacks will still sue), and food deliveries forever waylaid as driver and customer rob each other in turn in an infinite loop.

The Census Bureau cautions that counting the population of African nations like Nigeria (projected to soon reach 400 million) is difficult, as Nigerians don’t keep birth records (likely because they still don’t understand how babies are made).

The good news is, Americans can mentally prepare for the future by watching online commercials, which are already 99 percent black.

Weave New World.

EFF-YOU-GEE
By the score they come…refugees seeking amnesty because their home nations are extermination camps, literal Treblinkas! Marching north by the hundreds of thousands, Venezuelans, Hondurans, and Guatemalans flee certain death just to breathe free in the U.S.

Then they meet American blacks and are like, “Uh, actually, I think I’ll head back.”

Turns out many of the 20,700 “migrants” bused to “sanctuary city” Chicago want out. Apparently, the combination of constant muggings and the onset of the city’s cold season have South and Central Americans longing for the good old days of living under despots and cartels.

Perhaps it was a mistake for the Biden administration to boast about all the money it was giving the “newcomers.”

Biden: “I want to assure the people of the South Side, your new friends from Latin America will not be an economic burden. We’re giving each of them $15,000 for housing. Yep—they’ll have lots of money in their pockets. So please welcome these strangers into our gates!”

That might not have been the smartest strategy. Because there’s an old saying in the ghetto: “A stranger’s just a friend you haven’t robbed, beaten, and left for dead by the curb.”

Whereas “refugees” who’ve been relocated to predominantly white parts of the country always have the “food defense” to fall back on (“Sure, I raped and murdered your daughter, señor, but isn’t our food worth it?”), once these pobres bastardos entered the land of Arbeit Macht Fries, the lure to blacks of authentic tequeños is nothing compared with the lure of stealing enough money to get three orders of McDonald’s fries (it’s the urban lottery; the more fries you order, the better your chances one of them will be hot).

And it’s not just about the robbing. Chicago’s black political leaders have expressed a desire for the “new friends” to vamoose, with one black politico even advancing a measure to strip the city of its sanctuary status.

“Them leaf blowers be wakin’ up the crackheads,” 9th Ward Alderman Anthony Beale told the AP. “That Home Depot parkin’ lot used to be the best open-air drug market in the city; now it’s just beaners lookin’ for work.”

According to the Daily Mail, the hazards of Chicago are convincing migrants by the thousands to turn tail and leave for home.

America may not have a wall, but it’s got DaQuall…perhaps the next best thing.