Laphonza Butler

The Week’s Most Biting, Alighting, and GOP-Infighting Headlines

THE PUDSUCKER PROXY
A Gavin Newsom/Dianne Feinstein duet:

Feinstein:
Don’t cry for me, California!

Ché Gavara:
You were supposed to have been immortal!
That’s all I wanted, not much to ask for.

Feinstein:
Now keep your promise, appoint LaQuesha.
Now keep your promise!

Gavin Newsom finally found a human life he cared about. Newsom, who has zero concern for Californians butchered by criminals and homeless, the elderly who died alone during Covid lockdowns as nurses did the Macarena, children harmed by school closures, and dead fentanyl users, really wanted Dianne Feinstein to stay alive.

Because as the man in charge of appointing a successor, Newsom had stepped in a pile of poop (or as they call it in his native San Francisco, “sidewalk cookies”) by declaring that he would only appoint a black woman.

But then West Hollywood’s Adam Schiff told him, “Hey idiot, I want Feinstein’s seat! Ed Buck killed all the decent meat in my district; I need new territory.” Then Rep. Barbara Lee, a 77-year-old “black power” extremist who, after 9/11, voted to give the terrorists gift baskets and EBT cards, told Newsom, “You better be appointin’ me or I gon’ whup yo’ ass wit’ a switch, you ofay devil trash.”

Newsom’s only way out was if Feinstein could just live till the 2024 primary. Then voters would choose her replacement, and he’d be off the hook.

No dice. Feinstein launched her Moscone/Milk reunion tour last week, leaving Gavin holding the (old) bag.

So who’d he choose? A black woman who’s never held office: Laphonza Butler. Not even a registered California voter.

Worse still, she’s the star of the all-black Netflix Happy Days reboot.

“Ayyyyyyyy! I’m LaPhonzie!” [Hits jukebox with elbow, no music plays because the jukebox was torched by BLM]

POUTIN’ PUTIN PLANTS PLANTAINS
Vlad Putin wishes his problems were as trivial as Newsom’s. Putin’s dilemma: He’s running out of Russian men to send to the Ukraine abattoir. Putin’s own figures put Russian troop losses at 70,000, while outside estimates hover around 270,000.

What’s certain is that Russia’s Ukraine deaths have already surpassed all U.S. deaths in Vietnam. Meaning that the Russian Oliver Stone is likely lying dead in a Bakhmut crater.

So the war’s done some good.

But Putin has a plan, and no, it doesn’t involve riding a bear while shirtless (sorry, Tucker Carlson; sometimes wet dreams don’t come true). Putin’s recruiting Cuban soldiers by offering signing bonuses that surpass what the average Cubano makes in a year.

Already the effects are being felt on the battlefield, with Ukrainian soldiers tormented by war cries of “Babalu!” and drones blasting Miami Sound Machine (the U.N. recognizes that as a war crime equal to the use of phosgene).

Perhaps Putin has inadvertently exposed why the U.S. lost in Afghanistan. Imagine if Bush had offered bonuses to Mexicans to fight the war for us. Where’s the loss? Mexicans will do anything for a buck (that’s L.A.’s motto: “The City Where Mexicans Will Do Anything for a Buck”). And best of all, once Mexicans got access to the Taliban’s poppy fields, the cartels would’ve butchered the jihadis with a ruthlessness no heartland American is capable of.

Muslim extremists behead people out of piety. Mexican cartels behead people ’cause it’s fun. In a few years Kabul would’ve become “Juarez far-east.”

Plus, not only would Mexicans have seized the poppy fields, they’d have kept them well landscaped via advanced leaf-blower technology.

A lost opportunity for the U.S.

Will playing the “bean card” help Putin? Only if Lucy and the Mertzes don’t crash the winter offensive with their vaudeville act.

BONNIE PRINCE GNARLY
In the 1977 miniseries Roots, Kunta Kinte, now a slave in the American South named Toby, takes his newborn child and raises it above his head under the star-filled night sky, as was the tradition in his African tribe. Presenting the child before the majesty of the universe, Kunta proclaims, “Behold! The only thing that’s greater than yourself!”

Sadly, at that exact moment a flock of geese flew overhead, so that kid’s self-esteem was shot for good.

Thirty-two-year-old Bronx black man Sam Mensah—not to be confused with MENSA—wasn’t about to take any chances with that “holding the baby to the sky” thing. For the past few months, he’s been terrorizing Upper East Side residents by wheeling his baby in a stroller and beating, kicking, and spitting on any white people who get in his way. Failure to yield and cower before Mensah and his prince would result in severe punishment. And not just to humans; Mensah kicked and beat dogs who refused to bow before the royal train.

The sight of a black man terrorizing locals with a pram calls to mind one of Terry Gilliam’s animations from Monty Python, brought to life on the streets of the city that never sleeps until a black man coldcocks you.

Mensah appeared to be giving his little Kunta a life lesson in how to bully and subdue whites. “Behold, the only things that cater to yourself.”

Last week, Mensah was arrested by NYPD (turns out, to little surprise, he has multiple assault priors). His baby was taken into custody by the Administration for Children’s Services, where the conditioning will likely continue via the agency’s audiovisual entertainment offerings (“Ibram X. Kendi Talks to Kids About Beating Whitey”) and the selection of board games, including Connect Four (how to deck four Asians in one blow), Chutes and Ladders (tools for a second-story burglary), Uno (beating up a single Puerto Rican), Clue (what not to leave at a crime scene), Duck Duck Goose (best way to grope women in public), and “Go, Fisch” (telling the sole remaining Jew on your block to flee or else!).

Sam Mensah may not be father of the year, but to those he’s been terrorizing, he’s certainly father you can fear.

RAKED OVER THE COLES
As Joe Biden works tirelessly to bankrupt the coal industry, perhaps his focus should be on the “Cole” industry.

The name David Cole just doesn’t carry good mojo.

David Cole, one half of the 1990s radio favorite C+C Music Factory (“Everybody Dance Now!”) died of AIDS (HIV+V Music Factory) complicated by hepatitis C+C.

David Cole, current director of the husk formerly known as the ACLU, is the dumbass who effectively killed the org by ending its championship of free speech in favor of identity politics.

Adult porn star David Cole drinks urine on camera. Nuff said.

Australian David Cole is a fake Aborigine activist who claims the Rothschilds are genociding him (first time ever to root for the Rothschilds).

And now we have David Cole the Alabama MAGA Republican so dead set against voter fraud, he committed it himself. Cole falsified documents in order to run in a district in which he didn’t reside. He was elected to the Alabama House last year, even though his deceit was so well-known, even his allies were like, “Dude, you’re not even trying to hide it.”

In a state where the motto is “Slow on the Uptake” (syphilitic Tuskegee black man: “It’s been fawty years; I’ze finally gon’ look up ‘placebo’ in da dictionary”), Cole’s arrest was startlingly swift. Last week he pleaded guilty to felony voter fraud, resigned his seat, and reported to prison (where he’ll probably drink urine).

That Takimag scribe David Cole is the least objectionable David Cole indicates just how low lies the bar.

Attempts to interview Takimag Cole for this piece were unsuccessful, as he was in his backyard drunkenly debating politics with a raccoon (the raccoon won).

OPEN BORDERS AND ZIPPERS
A conservative scheme that actually succeeds is like a black McDonald’s customer who accepts cold fries with grace and dignity. Sure, it’s possible. But not likely.

Which is why the fact that the plan by conservative governors to ship illegals to New York is actually working is such a shock.

Operation “Big Apple Meets Grande Bean” has gone so well, NYC’s Mayor Adams and N.Y.’s Governor Hochul are both lobbying the Biden administration to close the border.

Fortunately for open-border advocates, they still have Louis C.K. Last week, a resurfaced interview from January between C.K. and Joe Rogan went viral (though Rogan thought it was a new interview because his “miracle marijuana” has fried his ability to understand the passage of time).

In the clip, C.K. insists that the U.S. must be flooded with illegals, to make life “worse” for Americans, who selfishly “bomb Yemeni weddings” to “keep themselves safe.”

There’s a lot to unpack there. The Yemen civil war is mainly a Saudi Arabian thing, so it’s odd that C.K. doesn’t want those sheet-heads to take in the world’s trash. Also, if C.K. thinks that the average American knows one damn thing about the Yemen civil war, he’s betraying his previous jokes about American’s being ignorant rubes. And lastly, America’s immigration crisis has nothing to do with bombed Yemeni wedding guests.

Of course, with C.K., he might have difficulty unpacking politics, but he’s never had similar troubles unpacking his package. When the leftist leaders of New York demand border closure and one of the few remaining high-profile open-borders advocates is a man who (by his own admission) masturbates openly in front of women who have no desire to see the act, well…that seems like something a well-disciplined and focused GOP could really take advantage of.

[Reads the news about the GOP House]

Yeah, we’re screwed. GOP leaders compulsively do in a figurative sense what C.K. compulsively does literally.

And both do it to an unwilling audience that’s repulsed by the sight.