Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka

The Week’s Most Knowing, Crowing, and Beachgoing Headlines

WILLY WONKKKA
Last week the trailer for the new Willy Wonka prequel had its world premiere. Wonka stars delicate androgyne Timothée Chalamet as a young version of the eccentric chocolatier made famous by Gene Wilder (or as anyone under 25 knows him, “the meme guy”).

True story: Warner Bros. initially wanted Ezra Miller for the part. Looks like the Flash isn’t the only one who dodges bullets.

Wonka is an origin story, and in this origin, Willy has a young black girl as his sidekick. Yet this character appears neither in Roald Dahl’s book nor in the Wilder or Johnny Depp adaptations.

What happened? What happened in between Willy Wonka hanging out with blacks and Willy Wonka with zero blacks in his life?

The really interesting story seems to lie in that middle period: how Willy Wonka got radicalized.

“Willy Wonka and the Charcoal Factor”

Wonka: “Dammit! This is the fifth break-in this month! Why is this happening?”

The Oompa-Loompas start singing:

Oompa-Loompa doompadee-doo,
I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa-Loompa doompadee-dee,
This is why from big cities we flee.

Wonka: “Interesting…go on.”

Who in the world has the duskiest hue?
The highest murder rate and the lowest IQ?
The worst neighborhoods, and the most bastard kids,
They move in next door, and your block hits the skids.
And for that you can blame the Yids.

Wonka: “Whoa, whoa, I am not comfortable with this at all!”

Oompa-Loompa doompadee-dilt,
Racial awakening frees you from guilt.
Start incrementally or you’ll get too shook,
You’ll get more based the deeper you look.
Now read this Jared Taylor book.

And one month later, the factory’s chocolate is all white.

HELPING HANDOUT
In American politics, there are three cardinal rules:

(1) No president who wins a major war can lose an election.

(2) A president who bogs the nation down in an unpopular war cannot be reelected.

(3) Any president who promises a free lunch and delivers will win reelection in a landslide.

Yep, those rules are ironclad. They never fail.

Except for the last three Republican presidents.

Good thing Trump signed that $2.2 trillion Covid relief package; otherwise he might’ve lost. And giving out all that dough with zero verification has proved not so much a free lunch as an open CVS on a black pride parade route.

Under Trump, Americans never got tired of skinning.

According to an article in last week’s Rolling Stone, the final tally of CARES Act fraud may reach one trillion dollars, or nearly half of all handouts.

Rolling Stone lists several notable scammers, including rapper “Nuke Bizzle,” who got $700,000 by using fake addresses, and a woman in Minnesota who, by claiming to run a “feed the children” charity, scammed $250 million, which she used to “buy property in Kenya.”

For $250 million you could probably just buy Kenya.

Most of the heavy-duty scammers got their money by creating phony businesses to claim additional Covid hardship. A few cases left out of the article:

A black man in Brooklyn received $10 million for his “Black Customer/Bodega Owner Friendship Society” (he’s now in prison. Not for the con but because he murdered a bodega owner), an Asian man in San Francisco claimed the lockdown forced the closure of his “putting pee-pee in Coke” business, a schizophrenic African immigrant in Manhattan received $30 million because the lockdown put him out of his job (throwing commuters under trains), and a Salvadoran immigrant in L.A. received $50 million because the closure of public parks destroyed his career of stalking and murdering female joggers.

Some disasters bring out the best in people. Covid was not one of them.

A-I A-I OH
Hollywood celebrities are up in arms over AI! And why wouldn’t they be? Can you think of anything Hollywood celebrities are not up in arms about? Who you vote for, what you eat, what you drive, even your skin color. There ain’t nothin’ that doesn’t make Hollywood celebrities angry.

Well, except child molesters and black murderers. Hollywood celebrities are fine with them.

“Comedian” Sarah Silverman is suing OpenAI for using her copyrighted material to “train artificial intelligence language models.” The suit charges that OpenAI used Silverman’s work to train ChatGPT to deliver “realistic human responses” to user prompts.

It’s going to be difficult to dispute that claim. After all, if you ask ChatGPT “how do you poach an egg,” you get an abortion pill joke in response.

And Silverman’s not the only comic whose routines were used to train ChatGPT.

Jerry Seinfeld, for example.

“Hey, ChatGPT: What’s the most nutritious breakfast cereal?”

ChatGPT: “What’s the deal with Franken Berry? Is he supposed to be a corpse? Maybe we shouldn’t be eating what he’s eating. ‘Oh, I’ll have what the zombie’s having.’ And what’s with Boo Berry? Isn’t he a ghost? When did we start letting the dead dictate our breakfast? I mean, c’mon.”

[Retypes, all-caps] “NAME A NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST CEREAL!”

ChatGPT: “And the Trix Rabbit? What is with him? You’re really gonna eat tiny round things that come from a rabbit? Who thought this was appetizing?”

Unfortunately, OpenAI also absorbed the work of Carlos Mencia.

“Hey, ChatGPT: What’s the capital of Bulgaria?”

ChatGPT: “What’s the capital of Bulgaria?”

“You just repeated what I said!”

ChatGPT: “Naw, man, this is like my own, original question.”

Hopefully ChatGPT never gets around to Carrot Top.

THE TRUE AI NIGHTMARE
Sticking with an AI theme…

Black attorney Jonathan Perkins has a “storied” history. While a law school student at UVA, he fabricated a racially based police harassment incident, later confessing that he faked the claim to “spark discussion.” The university refused to discipline him because administrators feared that punishing a fake police harassment charge might frighten blacks into not reporting real ones (why does anyone send their kid to college anymore?).

More recently, as UCLA’s Director of Race & Equity (of course), Perkins wished death on Clarence Thomas.

And he got another free pass from whitey!

Last week, a Perkins tweet went viral. He tweeted a photo of an outdoor lunch gathering of about 30 white people and asked, “Serious question for well-meaning white people. When you show up at a get-together like this, do you notice there are zero Black people, or nah? If so, do you say or do anything about it? To who? Please be honest.”

Yes, whites must never gather without at least one black present.

Trouble is—and, to no one’s surprise, Perkins is too stupid (in spite of or because of his UVA degree) to get this—the “one-black-per-whitey-outing” plan is mathematically impossible. With 188 million whites and 37 million blacks, it just can be done. There ain’t enough blacks.

But AI could remedy this. Filmmakers always assumed that artificially intelligent machines would be used as soldiers or assassins. But no. Their most likely use will be to ensure that there’s a black at every white gathering.

“AI BlackFriend” (commissioned by President Newsom in 2030) will sit at your table and complain about the potato salad. Equipped with heat sensors, your AI BlackFriend will scan french fries for temperature. Deadly lasers will mete out punishment to the server should the fries not be hot enough. A female version of AI BlackFriend will ask you to touch her hair, then spit out (via attached printer) a 10,000-word Atlantic essay about white people touching her hair. Which she’ll read aloud and anyone who tries to leave the table will have to deal with the lasers.

Think this is improbable? A fantasist like Jonathan Perkins is likely hard at work on it now.

PROJECT 10 MILLION
Remember Project 10? In the 1980s it was the nation’s leading “gay rights” groups (nobody did the alphabet crap back then). Project 10 was founded by L.A. science teacher Virginia Uribe, a lesbian with a sexual fetish for nuns (that’s not a joke).

Uribe would watch The Blues Brothers just to pleasure herself to the orphanage scene; she was the only girl with a pinup of Mary Wickes.

Uribe formed Project 10 to keep gays from dying of AIDS. Unfortunately, all her employees died of AIDS, so Project 10 switched to focusing on gay kids (or as they were known back then, “pre-AIDS”), becoming an official arm of the L.A. Unified School District (sparking parental protests much like we’re seeing today).

Why was the group called “Project 10”? Because Uribe, relying on data from sociologists, believed that 10 percent of the population is gay.

Today, the late Ms. Uribe would be considered a homophobe.

10 percent? That’s Hitler talk. That’s genocidal. Indeed, Uribe’s Wiki page prevents any mention of why she chose her org’s name. Trans ideology dictates that kids must be taught that at least half or more of them might need to cut off their breasts or wiener in order to be “normal.” A teacher telling schoolkids that “only” 10 percent of them are gay and an even smaller percentage trans would get a personal “oy, you’re fired” from the frog/human hybrid known as Randi Weingarten.

A recent study at Brown University showed that 40 percent of the students now identify as “LGBT.” That’s up 793 percent since 2010.

Uribe got her kicks imagining herself as a fearless fighter for a besieged minority. A regular Shirley Chis-homo (or if a nun’s in the room, Daisy Master-Bates). Once every kid declares as LGBT, what will the Uribes of today do?

Fight for the 10 percent straights? Unlikely. More likely, they’ll start a purge against the poseur LGBTs, the faddists who’ve taken all the fun out of being gay.