Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Heart-Tugging, Big-Lugging, and June-Bugging Headlines

WITH FIENDS LIKE THESE
There’s an old joke about a passerby who sees a Jewish man walking what appears to be a dachshund. The passerby approaches and says, “Can I pet your dog?”

“Oy,” the Jew replies, “I vouldn’t do that if I vas you!”

“C’mon,” says the man, “I’m great with dogs!”

“I’m tellin’ ya,” the Jew cautions, “don’t do it!”

Undeterred, the man reaches for the dog…and promptly gets his hand bitten off. Shaking his head, the Jew says, “I was tryin’ to tell ya…it ain’t no dog! It’s an alligator with a nose job.”

Which brings us to Laura Loomer, unhinged Hebraic Trump-troll extraordinaire. Loomer is infamous for having used her gullible supporters’ contributions to get her honker resized. Now, nobody’s saying her old nose was huge, but on a trip to Israel she was floating on her back in the Dead Sea and the lifeguards yelled, “Shark!” On that same trip, she was shuckling at the Wailing Wall and drilled a hole in it like Woody Woodpecker.

And now Loomer’s on a one-yenta crusade to be the most repellent Trumper on earth. Last week she accused Ron DeSantis’ wife of having faked her cancer diagnosis. Pretty foul, huh? Well, it gets worse. Loomer then brought good friend Maurice Symonette to an anti-DeSantis rally. Career criminal Symonette’s a former member of a black supremacy cult that murdered a dozen whites. And now he’s Trump’s No. 1 black booster, which makes sense because why not start lobbying for that pardon before the man’s elected?

Together, Loomer and Symonette constitute the heinous mundi of Trumpworld, with Loomer proving that her old nose wasn’t the ugliest thing about her.

MERMAID IN CHINA
Retail woke took another hit last week, as Target lost $10 billion in market valuation due to boycotts regarding the store’s trans-wear children’s clothing. CEO Brian Cornell attempted damage control by reassuring parents that Target’s “tuck-friendly” children’s pants, which allow boys to conceal their penis while awaiting amputation, were actually designed in honor of George Floyd. “The pants aren’t supposed to conceal penises,” Cornell explained, “but shoplifted merchandise! It’s part of our new ‘Slacks for Blacks’ line! Happy Floyd fentanyversary!”

Meanwhile, Disney had its own rude awokening, as its Floydified Little Mermaid suffered the worst Chinese opening for a Disney film ever. China rewarded Disney’s blackened catfish with an opening-day gross of just $550,000.

No, there’s no missing zero there.

And while the three-day weekend opening tally in the U.S. came to a respectable $117 million, the Chinese opening-weekend drew a mere $2.6 million, not even enough to pay for one week of black Ariel’s guanidine-hydroxide anti-frizz hair relaxer.

With Disney, like all other U.S. mega-corps, having long ago sold its soul to China, execs are facing the frightening notion that they turned a blind eye to slave labor, genocide, and gulags for nothing (ain’t that just like the Devil? There’s always a catch). At the very least, the company will have to choose between Chinese profits versus keeping U.S. blacks placated enough to stop trashing the amusement parks (narrator: Blacks will never stop trashing the amusement parks).

Foreign disdain for Little-Rock Mermaid has caused Disney to rethink the planned blackification of its other classic films, including Peter Panafrican, .0002 Leagues Under the Sea (that’s the deepest any black can go without drowning), S’no White and the Seven Kevin Harts, Old High-Yeller, The Single-Parent Trap, That Darn Catalytic (DaQuan spends an entire night trying to steal a stubborn converter), The Genome Mobile (four bruthas with sickle cell on a road trip), Superdad (he actually makes a child-support payment), Herbie Hancock Rides Again, George Floyd of the Jungle, and the legendary 1979 flop The Black Hole (now reimagined as a Lizzo biopic).

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION FIGURES
Trying to squeeze domestic profits from the Hominy Grittle Mermaid, Disney’s releasing blackface Little Mermaid Happy Meal toys in partnership with McDonald’s.

Yes, McDonald’s thinks it’s a good idea to attract blacks with the promise of hard plastic objects that can be used as projectiles. As seen in promotional videos, the King Triton toy has a pointy trident, Sebastian has jutting claws, Prince Eric is holding a telescope like a spear, Scuttle has a long, sharp beak, and Ursula has six protruding tentacles that spin like a ninja star.

So, most of the toys can put an eye out. And McDonald’s thinks these are good things to pass out to black customers.

In a bid to reduce casualties, McDonald’s has put a warning on each Happy Meal box, though unlike the standard age-restriction guidelines, this one’s a color palette: “Keep out of reach of anyone darker than eggshell.”

Disney will be “centering” black Ariel toys for the summer; white Ariels will return in the fall, and pity the poor parent whose child demands one. With both Ariels available at Disney Stores, the company plans for every cashier to be black, to ensure that nobody buys the white one without buying the other.

“Uh, I’m just buying Nazi redhead Ariel to teach my little girl about the evils of racism. We’re gonna burn it, I promise! But here, I’ll take five noble black Ariels, plus gimme the complete set of Robin Hood transgender dolls: Friar Tuck, Alan-to-Dale, Prince Unisex John, and Sheriff of Nottingma’am.

Also last week, Disneyland shuttered Splash Mountain, the “racist” ride based on characters from Song of the South. The ride will reopen in 2024 as black-themed Tiana’s Bayou Adventure. Designed to replicate the burned-out remains of Detroit, it’ll be the only Disney attraction where, halfway through, riders get carjacked.

SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEWSOM, SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING GRUESOME
In Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar,” a sickly old man is kept in a state between life and death by an amoral, sadistic mesmerist. As Valdemar begins to decay, he begs for release. Yet his selfish tormentor won’t allow it.

Who knew Gavin Newsom is an amoral, sadistic mesmerist? Well, the first two things are well-known, but the third…

Newsom is doing to poor Dianne Feinstein exactly what Poe’s protagonist did to Valdemar. Because Governor Loki-hair has backed himself into a corner. In 2021 he pledged to nominate a black woman to replace Feinstein should she retire. Sadly, California has only three unincarcerated black women left, and two—L.A. mayor Karen Bass and chronic nitrous-oxide inhaler Kamala Harris—are spoken for. Which leaves Barbara Lee, the congresswoman from Oakland (a.k.a. “Mad Max dystopia with an urban-contemporary beat”). Unfortunately, not only is Lee a literal Black Panther, she’s anti-Israel as well, leaving the well-heeled supporters of Congressman Adam Schiff shaking their Torahs in anger, telling Newsom that if he doesn’t appoint their mensch, his funding is kaput.

Newsom’s only way out is to keep Feinstein alive long enough for 2024 primary voters to choose her replacement without him having to appoint anyone.

Considering that Feinstein’s decomposition has progressed from Guanajuato momia to Tarman, that’s a tall order.

So Newsom’s been trying to distract from the problem by attacking Florida at every opportunity. But even that’s backfired. Immediately after he condemned Florida Republicans for “burning Pride flags,” parents at a North Hollywood elementary school burned a pride flag and ran the tranny teacher who flew it out of town.

Newsom had no comment on the flag-burning in his own state. Perhaps because the school in question is half Hispanic and half Armenian. Two powerful L.A. blocs! And Newsom doesn’t want to publicize the unpopularity of trannyism among beaners ’n’ bulgurs.

So Newsom lets the flags burn as he continues to torture decaying Feinstein, using her as a whipping post for his own poor decisions.

Gavin, you’re a grand old flagellant.

THE HALLS OF MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE: A “BASED COLUMBO” MYSTERY
San Clemente, California. A crime scene.

From out of the darkness, a beat-up old Peugeot sputters into view. The door opens. Lieutenant Columbo, wrinkled raincoat, half-smoked cigar, exits.

Sergeant Wilson: “We got a messy one, lieutenant! Three Marines on Memorial Day weekend, beaten and stomped by a large angry crowd. Seemed to be a ratio of 40 to 3, and the Marines look white. So we got an APB out for black thugs.”

Columbo: “Black thugs?”

Wilson: “Yes, lieutenant. That’s how the right-wing press is portraying the crime. Another case of a black mob ganging up on innocent whites.”

Columbo: “You say the whites are Marines. Young, male, healthy?”

Wilson: “Yes, sir.”

Columbo: “So no elderly victims? No women, children, or cripples?”

Wilson: “No, sir.”

Columbo: “Wallets taken?”

Wilson: “Negative.”

Columbo: “Any weave fragments found at the scene?”

Wilson: “None. But several hairnets.”

Columbo: “And the Marines, are they dead?”

Wilson: “Just a few bruises.”

Columbo: “Gunplay? Three hundred shots fired, nothing hit?”

Wilson: “No, sir. No shots.”

Columbo: “It wasn’t blacks; we’re looking for Mexicans. And re-interview those Marines; they might not exactly be innocent victims.”

Wilson: “Holy Toledo, lieutenant! They found new video of the assault; turns out it was Mexicans, and the Marines kinda provoked it. How’d you know?”

Columbo: “Mexicans will attack in a mob, but unlike blacks they usually need provocation beyond the other party being white. Plus, San Clemente’s only 1.5 percent black, and half of that is well-tanned Jews lying about race to get into Saddleback College. Oh, and just one more thing: No need to put out any APBs; the Mexis who dropped their hairnets will need to return for ’em before they start the overnight shift at Del Taco.”

Wilson: “Boy, lieutenant, you’re good. You must have a criminology degree.”

Columbo: “Degree? No need; I read Sailer and Cole.”