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The Week’s Most Stunning, Cunning, and Preakness-Running Headlines

NEVER AGAINESVILLE
It’s to Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman’s credit that the one thing he doesn’t lie about is having a wife.

Yes, it’s a real woman, not a photo that came with his wallet.

Indeed, the Vindmans (Vindmen?) seem made for each other; wife is as truth-averse as hubby. Last week Rachel Vindman tweeted “Yesterday a friend’s daughter took the Florida American history exam. Instead of ‘slaves’ the exam said ‘forced servants.’”

Seems an odd claim, considering that the term “slave” was used by slavery foes and supporters alike; it wasn’t exactly the “N-word” of the Confederacy. Although the idea of a PC slave-owner is comical:

“Ah do declare, you Yankee scoundrel, this man is not a ‘slave’; he prefers varletinx.”

If you think Mrs. Vindman’s claim might be fake, you’re wrong. It’s totally fake. Vindman lied. She probably lied about having a friend as well (it didn’t help that she described her friend as “this really sweet paleontologist named Ross who has a crush on a girl named Rachel. Hey, I’m Rachel! Maybe that’s me! Also, I’m a monkey!”).

Vindman’s dishonesty disease is Kunta Kintagious; as she was lying about Florida schools omitting slavery, Jewish orgs were doing the same regarding the Holocaust, claiming that Ron DeSobibor has banned Holocaust history!

In fact, two Holocaust “history” books were rejected last week by Florida’s education department. Modern Genocide (a book that takes its title from David Bowie’s least popular song) is a woke monstrosity that lessens the Holocaust’s import by equating it to every misfortune to ever befall black people (including famine, Ebola, and cold fries). The other book, History of the Holocaust, tells students to “consider taking action to help victims of genocide in Congo and Sudan” (perhaps painting “Black Lives Matter” in crosswalks will help).

Worst of all, according to Rachel Vindman, DeSantis has decreed that “Holocaust survivors” must now be referred to as “unhappy campers.”

KKKENTUCKY
As Jews in Florida lament that students aren’t getting enough Nazis, blacks in Kentucky complain that they’re gettin’ too much Klan.

A middle school teacher in Somerset, Kentucky, population 11,924 (not counting Ol’ Clem, who fell in the baler last month and hasn’t been seen since), is in hot bourbon for allowing a white student to come to class dressed as KKK Grand Wizard Nathan Bedford Forrest as part of an assignment to dress as a historical figure.

Sadly, the student didn’t understand that dressing as a Klansman is not allowed unless you’re an actor in every Netflix film about whites.

It might seem perplexing that a story would go national from a town of only 11,923 (Boog went looking for Clem; now he’s missing too), but turns out even kids in Kentucky have TikTok, and video of the student, clad in hood and robe, went viral.

The teacher tried to explain that “Pall Robeson” was only trying to show how evil the Klan was, but no dice. The NAACP, uncharacteristically meddling in a matter that doesn’t concern them, has demanded the teacher’s ouster. Kathy Townsend, Somerset’s “black community organizer” (the town has 31 blacks…used to be 32, until Cephus went looking for Boog), told the news that seeing a Klan outfit gives her “nightmares.” She then showed off her Blu-Ray collection of Emancipation, 12 Years a Slave, Django Unchained, Roots, and BlacKKKlansman.

As for the student, he expressed confusion. “They told me I can’t do blackface, so I was tryin’ to do the opposite!”

Initially, defenders of the embattled teacher pointed to the fact that she allowed a black student to dress as Idi Amin and act out the dictator’s atrocities, but it turned out the kid wasn’t pretending; he just likes beating Asians.

Administrators have pledged “reparations” to any students “traumatized” by the Klan costume, though there’s not much in the coffers of this town of only 11,922½ (they found Clem…well, part of him).

REVENGE OF THE NADS
Somewhere in Hollywood, a writer pitches ideas to a studio chief.

Writer: “One of the biggest hits of the 1970s was Animal House. Remember the scene everybody loved where Belushi climbs the ladder outside the sorority to watch the girls undress? Well, get this: We reboot it for the woke age! The Belushi character pretends to be a tranny and joins the sorority! And he follows the girls day and night masturbating openly, and a court orders that the girls have to take it! Funny, huh?”

Boss: “Good Lord, that doesn’t sound funny at all!”

Writer: “Okay, how ’bout this. Remember Revenge of the Nerds? And the scene where the nerds plant spy cameras at the sorority and watch the girls undress? Well, in our version a big fat nerd pretends to be a tranny and joins the sorority! And he follows the girls day and night masturbating openly, and a court orders that the girls have to take it!”

Boss: “That’s just as bad! What’s the matter with you?”

Writer: “Okay, remember Black Christmas, from 1974? A killer hides in a sorority suffocating the girls with Saran Wrap and abusing the corpses.”

Boss: “That’s the least funny of all. Next to that, I guess your other ideas aren’t so dark.”

Writer: “Great, because we just bought the rights to the story of Artemis Langford, a 6-foot-2, 260-pound John Belushi-looking creepazoid who pretended to be a tranny to join a University of Wyoming sorority, and he follows the girls day and night masturbating openly, and a court’s ordered that the girls have to take it.”

Boss: “Can we get Jack Black for the lead?”

Writer: “I think we need somebody so unbelievably repellent, the audience will feel as nauseated as the girls. Someone who’s available, and universally hated.”

Boss [picking up the phone]: “Get me James Corden!”

BLUE’S CLUELESS
One would think a beaver would get bottom surgery.

But no, this tranny beaver got busy having her breasts cut off.

The story of the Blue’s Clues cartoon beaver getting a mastectomy (yes, a cartoon child beaver got its boobs lopped off for “gender affirmation”) goes back to 2021, but only last week The Washington Post’s Megan McArdle discovered the controversy, tweeting “Blue’s Clues decided to publish an image featuring a beaver who is supposed to have had top surgery. Apparently it didn’t occur to anyone to look up how many nipples beavers have.”

Sadly, PolitiFact didn’t fact-check McArdle’s tweet, because that would’ve been funny. “Although our researchers found that female-identifying beavers have four teats, scientists at Boston University’s Seth Brundle Institute for Turning Children Into Monsters inform us that it’s transphobic to attribute any number of teats to beavers, who often alter their bodies to affirm their true gender.”

The responses to McArdle’s tweet varied from leftists telling her she’s imagining things because no cartoon would be so insane as to give a beaver child a tranny mastectomy, to leftists telling her she’s transphobic for complaining that a cartoon show was so insane as to give a beaver child a tranny mastectomy.

However, even Snopes confirms that the cartoon beaver top-surgery is genuine, and BuzzFeed’s Mary Colussi praised the beavers for “trying to teach me to count to 10” (no joke; she literally said she needs cartoon tranny beavers to teach her to count to 10).

In light of the Blue’s Clues beaver, other cartoon characters are being rebooted in tranny form. Kids can now enjoy the gender-nonconforming antics of Bugs Binder, Gaffy Tuck, Topsurgery Cat, Woody Woodpacker, Scrotoplastro Boy, and Penectom and Jerry.

BLACK MAMA WHITE MAMA II: THE RECKONING
White girl to black friend:
If you’re ever feeling low, I’ll give you dough!
If you gotta drive real far, have my car!
Need a kidney, ’cause you drank too much fortified wine? Take both of mine!

Black girl to white friend:
If you’re ever gettin’ mugged, I won’t be bugged.
If you’re ever bein’ maimed, you’ll be blamed.
If you’re ever bein’ raped and you resist, you’ll get my fist.

Together:
Interracial friendship, friendship, black & white, a blend-ship,
As long as whitey is always wrong,
Our friendship will still be strong!
Cracka-cracka-cracka nig-nig-nig

Damon and Pythias, meet Dumb’un and Pissiest. As reported last week in the L.A. Times, white chick Melissa DePino and Ghanaian Adjoa Saahene were strangers who met by chance one day in 2018 when they were customers at the Philly Starbucks that became the universal center of racism when two black men who demanded to use the bathroom without purchasing anything were denied their craparations. DePino, 55, and Saahene, 36, decided to join forces to form a “diversity, equity, and inclusion” org called From Privilege to Progress.

Soon the two newfound best friends started raking in the bucks, strong-arming corporations to pay for their “one-on-one anti-racism coaching sessions” and selling DEI merch on their website.

DePino, a professional marketing exec, and Saahene, who recently figured out can openers, agreed to split the profits 50/50.

And that worked…until there were profits. By 2021, each woman was making over $100,000 a year from their “diversity” work, at which point Saahene, who’d returned to Ghana, demanded a bigger share for being black, even though DePino was doing all the labor. When DePino balked, Saahene christened her a “Karen,” and the partnership dissolved.

Saahene moved to L.A. to begin a solo career as a racial blackmailer, and DePino, now the target of online abuse for having racisted a sista, began dating a black man to reclaim her cred. The two women no longer speak to each other.

It’s like an episode of interracial Friends…that should’ve been canceled before the pilot was even filmed.