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The Week’s Most Commie, Pommy, and Flowers-for-Mommy Headlines

THE FUN-HOUSE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES
You’ll get a bigger hand if you can stand on your head,
Be a clown, be a clown, be a clown!

A Cole Porter song is the new GOP handbook. And Republicans are having regrets.

Last week GOP House members held a press conference detailing their investigation into the Biden family’s business dealings. And what a barn burner of a presser it was. Bank records! Bookkeeping irregularities! Wire transfers!

Like a Tom Clancy novel…but, just the ISBN info.

Unfortunately, that same morning all public attention was on George Santos, who followed his arraignment on fraud charges with a three-ring press conference outside the courthouse (complete with clown car and the old “water bucket is actually confetti” gag).

“Why’s Santos getting all the publicity when we just detailed every missing decimal point in the Biden ledgers?” “serious conservatives” groused on Twitter.

Well, maybe the cuckoos are coming home to roost. A party that’s gone from “We’re stodgy but reliable” to “Here’s a ‘satanic orgy’ cripple dragging his balls across the face of his bro! Here’s a dumb blonde who dresses like Cruella de Vil! Here’s a witch! Here’s a faux-Jewish drag-queen animal-killing identity thief! And here’s a former president who sells NFTs of himself as superheroes!” probably shouldn’t complain when the attention-grabbers grab the attention.

“We’re da party of charactas! Lookit all da wacky charactas!”

And people look. That’s why carnival patrons pay to see the freak show but not the accountant’s office.

“The GOP’s too boring!”

Maybe that wasn’t so bad after all.

PSYCH (A)WARD
Andrea Chu is one prize putz.

Correction: Andrea Chu won a Pulitzer Prize.

Andrea Chu, real name Andrew, is a fat male Asian-American lunatic who reinvented himself as a fat female Asian-American lunatic. And last week this tranny writer for New York magazine won the Pulitzer Prize for criticism.

An irony, considering that trannies never allow criticism.

Previous Pulitzer criticism awardees include David Shaw for his exposé of the McMartin trial, Ada Louise Huxtable for establishing the field of architectural journalism, and Roger Ebert for his essay on why movie theater popcorn buckets need to be larger (“‘Jumbo,’ My Ass: I’m Still Hungry!”).

Of course, that’s a joke. But this isn’t: Here’s an actual line from the Pulitzer-winning work of tranny Chu: “At the center of sissy porn lies the asshole, a kind of universal vagina through which femaleness can always be accessed.”

Makes the Ebert thing seem quaint by comparison.

Chu’s made a career out of misogyny: “Getting fucked makes you female because fucked is what a female is,” he wrote. “Femaleness” at “its barest essentials” is “an open mouth, an expectant asshole, blank, blank eyes.”

Yes, that’s “award-winning prose.” And if you think otherwise, you’re committing genocide.

Chu makes you long for the days when the worst a Chinaman would do is micturate in a soft drink. But at least it’s not like tranny hostility to women is leading to real-life harm.

Oh, wait. As Chu was getting his award, a 55-year-old woman was assaulted by a tranny Starbucks employee in Southampton, U.K., because she dared to use the word “lady.” The deranged bi-rista venti’d his spleen at the woman until she cried “no mo’cha.”

Starbucks fired the hazlenutcase, but weep not: He’s already won a Pulitzer for customer service.

HATE HMONGER
Last week The Washington Post detailed the difficulties faced by schools in the post-pandemic era regarding cellphones. In that, it’s impossible to keep kids off them. Nothing works. One school tried forcing students to deposit their phones in lockers at the start of the day, but the kids just brought dummy phones to drop off, hiding their real ones for later use.

American kids can’t read or write, but threaten to take away their ability to watch TikTok videos and they can actually be rather ingenious.

The kids claim they need their phones at school so they can “make goodbye calls” during a mass shooting. America might be running low on young scientists and doctors, but it looks like there’ll be a never-ending supply of new MSNBC hosts.

Indeed, last week a student at a Michigan high school used his phone for that most noble of purposes: a hate-crime hoax. The unnamed student “manipulated code” on the school’s website to make it look like a white teacher called black students “niggers.” The hoax was then used to gin up black outrage.

Maybe for some kids illiteracy is better…at least compared to learning to code.

Meanwhile, in Wisconsin, a Hmong student’s parents filed a racism complaint against a band teacher who apparently said “ching-chong” while clapping cymbals. The student’s father, Twan Vongphakdy, which sounds like a line from Jabberwocky (“Twan Vongphakdy, and the slithy toves…”), hasn’t said if he plans to sue cymbals for sounding like “ching-chong.” But a Hmong advocacy group presented the school with a list of “reparations demands,” which include the firing of the teacher (and the swaddling of all cymbals in foam rubber), a public apology to the Hmong, mental health services for Hmong children impacted by hearing “ching-chong,” and a course dedicated to celebrating the achievements of the Hmong people.

The school agreed to all the provisions, except the last one. But the principal promised to add such a course once a Hmong person actually achieves something.

YOU WINSOME? YOU NEWSOM
It’s almost enough to make you feel sorry for Gavin Newsom.

Almost.

In 2021, the governor created a committee to determine slavery reparations for California’s black residents (California was admitted to the Union as a free state and slavery was never sanctioned there, but if you start insisting that whites only apologize for things they actually did, where do you stop?). Newsom apparently believed that the committee would come back with a reasonable proposal. Something the financially bankrupt state could afford, something that wouldn’t whip the state’s Hispanics into a frenzy of bitter envy.

Newsom thought you could give black Americans a blank check and they’d show moderation…which indicates that he’s never met a single black American in his life.

Rather than returning with a recommendation like, “All we ask is free bus passes for our elderly and a two-for-one coupon for McDonald’s,” the committee literally flew in that guy from the Alabama leprechaun video: “Gimme the gold! I want all the gold!”

The committee demanded $1.2 million per black resident (including all the blacks who’ve fled the state). In total, the committee’s demands would cost $800 billion, nearly three times the state’s entire budget. Worse still, the committee recommended reparations not just for slavery, but for “redlining, over-policing, and incarceration.”

There’d even be a bonus amount for blacks who heard the L.A. Dream Team on local radio in 1986.

“That was the worst atrocity of all,” one committee member said.

Faced with an impossible reparations amount, plus the notion that further bankrupting the state might hurt his national ambitions, plus the ire of Hispanics in a state that’s 40 percent brown and only 6 percent black (Latino gangs already have their own reparations scheme for the remaining black residents of L.A., and it involves a free glass bottle filled with gasoline and a rag), last week Newsom told California’s blacks “never mind!”

He reiterated his desire to atone for slavery and pledged to sign legislation mandating that all fries served in the state be “them good fries” and not “them cold-ass ones.”

Unfortunately, that might lead to a whole new headache…

FIVE EASY CHICKEN PIECES
Waitress: “You want me to hold the chicken, huh?”

Bobby: “I want you to hold it between your knees.”

There’s just no pleasing some people. The toll of dead and maimed at the hands of blacks upset that their fast-food order wasn’t hot enough is staggering. So surely fast-food establishments can’t be blamed for trying to ensure that each black customer gets their order hot-off-the-grill. Especially in Tamarac, Florida, which is 30 percent black. Hardly a resident of Tamarac doesn’t have at least one family member either murdered over cold fries or incarcerated for murdering over cold fries.

So when employees of a Tamarac McDonald’s saw Philana Holmes motoring into the drive-through, they made damn sure her order was piping hot.

Unfortunately, Philana’s 4-year-old daughter is still in the learning phase regarding fast-food etiquette (she only just received the Fisher-Price “My First McDonald’s Tantrum” playset, complete with little “wet floor” signs to lob over the counter and action figures with removable weaves). After Philana passed the McNugget Happy Meal to her child, the child, for whatever reason, dropped or placed a hot McNugget between her thighs…where it stayed for two full minutes.

Philana, who’s suing McDonald’s for her daughter’s burns, explained in court last week that even though the child was screaming in pain, it took her two minutes to pull over and remove the McNugget because “I was eatin’ them fries before they got cold. I finally get me some hot-ass fries, and I’m gon’ stop just ’cause my baby be wailin’?”

Attorneys for McDonald’s argued that federal law mandates the temperature cooked chicken must reach. And also, they added, if your child drops something hot in her lap, stop the f*ckin’ car.

Philana is suing for “all the gold (in them arches).” She also wants McDonald’s to put warnings on Happy Meals instructing kids to not put the contents between their legs.

Somewhere in heaven, that old white lady who douched herself with McDonald’s coffee and won a mint is looking down benevolently, as a new, more diverse generation of morons follows in her noble footsteps.