Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Begging, Bootlegging, and Easter-Egging Headlines

HOSTAGE NEGROTIATOR
Mark Taylor might be the ballsiest lawyer ever; dude’s trying to score cash by purposely antagonizing black folks.

Last September, white-guy Taylor was appointed superintendent of Virginia’s Spotsylvania School District ($245,000-a-year salary). The appointment was controversial; the black board members voted against him. Taylor has zero experience in education, but he does have a reputation as a cutthroat litigator.

Parents were concerned that having a non-educator supe might “harm the children.” Then they remembered that half the children in the one-quarter-black county can’t read and the other half can’t stop brawling in school, and they were like, “I guess they’re harmed enough already.”

Upon taking office, Taylor realized that the district had a $19 million budget shortfall. He begged the state for money. And he sent a letter to parents asking them to beg. And nobody responded because the parents can’t read either.

But then a light bulb went off over his head. Or perhaps more appropriately, a traffic light bulb. These days, the key to getting national headlines is to anger blacks. So Taylor began removing “controversial” black-themed books from the district’s libraries. Toni Morrison, George Johnson, America by E.R. Frank, Sold by Patricia McCormick, gone!

Taylor got angry headlines, but no money. So last week he declared that if he doesn’t get the funding, all Spotsylvania school libraries will be shuttered permanently! No more Ibram Kendi or Ta-Nehisi Coates. No more black children’s classics like Charlotte’s Web Du Bois and Where the Wild Things Are (a map of Chicago). Not even Where’s Waldo: The Ghetto Edition (every drawing is Waldo lying in a pool of blood) or the black version of Goodnight Moon (an elderly Asian named Moon is sucker punched by a street thug).

It remains to be seen if the gambit works, but you gotta admire the man’s moxie. And with blacks vowing vengeance, hopefully at least some of that quarter million is going to security.

VETTED VAXXERS
Most women in the market for sperm have strong donor preferences: tall, attractive, intelligent, good character, and not a sociopathic felon.

Billionaire Chinese criminal Guo Wengui is at least intelligent. But as far as the other things on that list, count him out.

So why is Wengui auctioning his sperm?

Well, there are benefits to turkey-basting with Guo’s goo. Like, no need to worry about buying “It’s a boy” or “It’s a girl” party favors; a simple “Congratulations! It’s a non-dimorphic inscrutable midget” will do just fine. Plus, with “trans nonbinary” the hottest fad, if the child’s a boy, the size of his endowment will forever leave his gender a mystery.

But according to Wengui, the No. 1 reason to bid on his buttermilk is that he’s unvaxxed. Wengui’s sperm auction—to be held on Gettr—will feature only the finest “uncontaminated” gunk from the unvaccinated. That includes his own, and potentially other hot genetic tickets like Rob Schneider (who managed to be Asian and Jewish and still miss out on the high IQ), rocket Zionist Kyrie Irving (whose sperm comes with its own outstanding warrants), and Matthew McConaughey, whose sperm is considered a controlled substance in thirty states.

Guo, who fled accusations of rape and kidnapping in China, is currently facing federal charges in the U.S. for billions in fraud. His assets frozen, some speculate that the auction is a way for Guo to pay his legal bills, though cutting out the middleman and finding a gay lawyer with an Asian fetish would seem an easier way to pay legal bills with jizz.

Word is that Guo’s best buddy, rightist fraudster Steve Bannon, will also be selling his seed: “We Build the Wad.” For $500, you get a cup of Bannon batter plus the Daily Wire’s crowdfunded gay porno starring Jeremy Boreing’s toupee: Head-wig and the Angry Inch.

Puts a whole new spin on changing the “culture.”

STANLEY COOCOOBRICK
Sticking with vaxxers and movies, remember Died Suddenly? The film that would “blow the lid” off the Covid vaccines?

Well, while there are plenty of legitimate concerns regarding vax side effects, you might want to think twice about Died Suddenly. The film’s director-producer, Nicholas Stumphauzer (“I tell you what dang ol’ Hank dang ol’ vax man it’s like shaky-shaky-shakes an’ dang ol’ fallin’ like a tree I tell you what”), is a flat-earther (like, literally), Bigfoot believer (like, literally), and virus skeptic (he doesn’t believe viruses exist).

Also, his “film” is comprised of clips of people fainting that predate Covid.

And just to put a fine point on the pinhead, last week Stumphauzer declared the Nashville Christian school shooting a “false flag” hoax.

“Guys this one isn’t real move on” Stumphauzer told his Twitter followers. His proof that the massacre is fake? In the body-cam footage of the cops taking down the killer, the time stamp doesn’t match the hands on an old grandfather clock in the background. “Was this a FEMA drill that was filmed over 2 sessions?” he asked.

Stumphauzer’s other piece of evidence? “Why isn’t there a single person in the school on camera?”

Yes, he finds it suspicious that fourteen minutes after a shooter began roaming the halls murdering people, the halls are not filled with students and staff milling about like it’s a normal school day, rather than hiding in locked classrooms.

No matter how bad the vax may be, it couldn’t possibly cause more brain damage than you’ll find in the addled head of the newest right-wing filmmaker hero.

Or the film’s most vocal champion, Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Perhaps Greene and Stumphauzer can mount a joint expedition to the “Arctic ice wall” to find the edge of the earth. And with any luck, they’ll tumble over it.

IDIOGRAPHY
Idiocracy is a prescient look at a future America in which Nicholas Stumphauzer would be the intellectual elite. But as prophetic as the film may be, its bleak vision might only partly come true…thanks to geography.

A Washington Post piece last week posited that red and blue states are creating “political polarization” that’s “sorting colleges into red and blue schools.”

WaPo points out that colleges in Florida admit students based on ACT and SAT scores. Subjects taught include math, science, and medicine. Subjects not taught include “critical race theory” and “radical gender theory.”

Conversely, the Post explains, if you go to college in California, test scores are forbidden in the admissions process, and you’ll be taught only “critical race theory” and “radical gender theory,” STEM having been banned because Tasmanian aboriginals fail to excel in it, which means it’s racist.

Also, California mandates “free” (as in, taxpayer-funded) abortions at all campuses, while Florida doesn’t.

As a result, students are flocking to different states based on their desired learning experience. Would-be doctors, scientists, and engineers are heading to Florida, while California’s attracting low-IQ whites who think the height of academic achievement is to have an abortion while high on pot as a genderfluid black-Matlatzinca dwarf with AIDS yells at you for being racist.

Soon enough, corporations that care about quality will only want to know the state where applicants attended college.

“I see you went to UCLA and you’re not Asian. I’m sorry, there’s no place for you here. Also, are you on fire?”

“I tried to light a fart in the waiting room.”

“Well, that explains why you’re not wearing pants.”

“Pants are racist.”

“Here’s your diploma back.”

“It’s a graham cracker; California outlawed paper—it causes global warming.”

“Well, good luck. Do you need validation?”

“I’m white; I don’t deserve it.”

“Please leave now.”

“I’ve forgotten how to walk.”

The good news for California is that the nonstop stream of Mexican illegals will ensure that even as the state’s infrastructure collapses, the hedges outside crumbling homes will be beautifully maintained.

THE CHEESE WIZ
Of course, it wouldn’t be The Week without checking in on the war between fast-food employees and reparations enthusiasts.

And what a war it is! A great battlefield spanning a continent…a regular Gourmandy, an Ant-eatum, a Gettysburger.

First up: Mama’s Restaurant drive-through in Opelousas, Louisiana (76 percent black). A female passenger in a car full of hungry peanut butter inventors got into an argument with a female cashier (the transcript of the exchange has not been released, but it likely involved cries of “Oh no you dih-int”). As the ladies exited the vehicle to brawl, the male driver exited with a gun, where he was met on the field of battle (the parking lot) by a male cashier…with a gun. Many bullets fired, zero direct hits, and everyone hauled away for some free jail food, just like Mama used to make.

Next: a Burger King drive-through, Ellenwood, Georgia (80 percent enrichers). A customer who received the wrong sauce with his order reacted the only way a rational man could—he barged into the restaurant and started beating everyone. 16-year-old employee Tyarius Wilcox responded to the saucy pugilist by gunning him down. The customer’s bereaved family is requesting BBQ sauce in lieu of flowers.

Finally, to a Chipotle in Columbus, Ohio, where two blacktose intolerants decided that their meal didn’t have enough cheese. So they did the only thing noble descendants of kings would do: They started beating the employees, shouting “Brie at last, brie at last!” When the pummeling failed to produce the desired bro’quefort, one of the brawlers pulled a gun and tried to execute the cowering camemberts. Fortunately the gun jammed, and Lawrence Stilton Jacobs was forced to flee.

Police have yet to arrest the suspects, who are described as parmed and dangerous.