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The Week’s Most Arching, Starching, and Ides-of-Marching Headlines

JEW-F.O.
Between Tucker Carlson’s UFO obsession and the recent spate of “flying objects” shot down by the Biden administration, interest in space invaders is at its highest level since the time Jimmy Carter spotted a UFO in Leary, Georgia (yes, that really happened: Carter saw a “giant, bulbous, gaseous object” hovering over a restaurant, proof that Stacey Abrams has been a visible presence in her state for much longer than previously thought).

Last week, Steven Spielberg presented a theory regarding these “aliens.” The Close Encounters and E.T. director told Stephen Colbert that the “visitors” are likely human time travelers on sightseeing trips.

“What if it’s humans coming back to document the second half of the 20th century and into the 21st? They know something that we don’t quite know yet that has occurred; they’re trying to track the last 100 years of our history.”

A fascinating theory. Time travelers visiting the current age not to stop disasters but to gawk.

Humans of the future are every bystander in a WorldStarHipHop video, standing around laughing as innocent people die.

If Spielberg’s correct, the future truly is black.

Of course, it might also be that these humans from the future are specifically trailing Spielberg to try to understand how a guy so mediocre became so revered.

“Report to commander from time-walker Zherq-XQ414. I attended a 2023 screening of The Fabelmans. Holy crap it sucked. Yet it’s been nominated for an Oscar. And some humans were still wearing masks in the theater, while others paid $20 to see the film only to text the whole time. This makes no sense; request transfer to any other time-observance unit. Will happily take the post of watching cavemen flinging poo; it beats 2023.”

LAND OF THE FRIJOLE
Speaking of dystopian futures…

You gotta hand it to open-borders advocates; they’re ceaselessly creative in the angles they find to convince the public that removing U.S./Mexico border restrictions is good and necessary.

When Trump was running in 2016, the open-borders mavens warned that any reduction in cross-border traffic would result in the U.S. collapsing for lack of “immigrants doing the work Americans won’t.”

With no gardeners, Malibu would become a primordial jungle; beasts running wild, vines strangling the land, Barbra Streisand going feral, crawling on all fours, her once-manicured nails now overgrown and gnarled into piercing talons, gnashing her teeth and screaming “oyga-boyga” while clubbing deer with Oscar statuettes to feast on their flesh.

A nightmare scenario that never came to pass (sadly—because most Americans would’ve enjoyed seeing it).

And now, a new talking point has emerged: Border restrictions are actually preventing illegals from leaving the U.S.!

In a piece so poorly written an infinite monkey would’ve rejected it, NY Times immigration czar Miriam Jordan—a Portuguese-Spanish-Hebrew-speaking yenta whose LinkedIn pic shows her craning her neck to come up with the most crooked possible angle on world events—has declared that border restrictions are actually keeping illegals here! They wanna go home, but “the cost and danger of crossing the border kept them here once they arrived.”

Because there’s no task on earth more complicated than exiting the U.S.

If only Biden would remove all border restrictions, Jordan writes, illegals would vamoose. They don’t want to be here! Just open the border and they’ll leave.

What a naked attempt to get Fox viewers to support open borders. Is the average Hannity fan really dumb enough to fall for such a transparent trick?

Okay, some questions are best left unanswered.

KIDNAPPIED
As Miriam Jordan claims that it’s impossible to leave the U.S. for Mexico, an unfortunate foursome of black American travelers, or at least the two who survived, surely wish that were true.

Last week LaTavia “Tay” McGee, her cousin Shaeed Woodard, and friends Zindell Brown and Eric Williams went to Matamoros, Mexico—a place known for mass graves and nothing else—so that “Tay” could get a cheap tummy tuck at a cut-rate Mexican clinic.

While “Tay’s” reason for needing the tummy tuck hasn’t been disclosed, it should be noted that mass ingestion of scalding-hot fries, free cookies, and free biscuits may lead to abdominal distension.

Sadly, the moment the barbershop quartet crossed the border, they were kidnapped by cartel members. Only two were rescued alive, their compatriots dispatched to martyrdom in Valhallaback.

In response to this atrocity, black American race-hustlers realized that maybe the U.S. isn’t so racist after all. Maybe bitching about being oppressed by ice cream truck music (yeah, that’s a thing) is unwarranted; maybe it’s way more dangerous for blacks in countries like Mexico, where their skin color buys them trouble instead of a pass.

Wait, no. That’s not how black race-hustlers reacted at all! The Root slammed the media for paying undue attention to the murder of four blacks in Mexico: “Black lives are just as much in danger within the country they were born as they are across the border.”

Black lives matter, but less so after they cross the border.

Kidnap/murder versus ice cream truck jingle? Who’s to say which is worse?

Mexican President Andrés Obrador couldn’t resist adding his two centavos: “When they kill Mexicans in the United States, they go quiet like mummies.” Obrador didn’t specify who “they” are, but he likely wasn’t referring to Scandinavians, Jews, or Asians.

Not a single U.S. media organ that carried Obrador’s statement dared to identify the “they.”

Perhaps because nobody believes blacks could ever be “quiet like mummies.”

Especially the Mexican illegals who work minimum-wage jobs in the fast-food biz.

NSDAPR
In a 1999 episode of The Simpsons, Homer accidentally invents a highly addictive tobacco-tomato hybrid. Lisa begs him to destroy the plant.

Lisa: You’re about to launch a terrible evil on the world. You’ve got to destroy this plant.

Homer: I know, honey, but what can I do as an individual? I wouldn’t know where to begin.

Lisa: Just burn that plant right now and end this madness.

Homer: I wish I could make a difference, Lisa, but I’m just one man.

The joke is, Homer could just burn the plant. Not wanting to, he pretends the matter’s out of his hands.

Which brings us to Jon Minadeo, a neo-Nazi troll. Minadeo has a simple MO: harass Jews by leafleting their neighborhoods and screaming at them outside their temples, and use the resultant publicity to drive traffic to his website.

When Minadeo lived in California, the press downplayed his antics, because there was no politically satisfying angle (“Why are Nazis active in Gavin Newsom’s state?” was not something the NY Times was gonna run with). So Minadeo moved to Florida, knowing that every sieg heil he uttered would cause the media to demand that Ron DeSantis “denounce” (i.e., shower with publicity) Minadeo’s provocations (“Why are Nazis active in Ron DeSantis’ Florida?” is total NY Times bait).

So now that Minadeo’s being boosted by the press, Vice—which routinely gives Minadeo attention—is asking, “Why is Minadeo getting attention?”

Reporter Mack Lamoureux, whose profile pic serves as the Webster’s illustration for “never been laid,” amplified Minadeo while also acknowledging that Minadeo would have no power if the media didn’t amplify him.

And the Jewish “counter-extremists” Lamoureux interviewed also said “we must give attention to this guy who only has power because he’s given attention.”

A puzzle for the ages. A vile human thrives because he gets publicity.

But what can the people who give him publicity do?

If only there were an answer.

POTATO CHUMPS
Remember Coca-Cola’s disastrous 1990 “MagiCan” promotion? Coke engineered 750,000 specially designed cans that, when opened, would shoot money—rolled dollar bills—straight out of the opening, via spring-loaded mechanism.

Right off the bat, there were problems. Coke is so corrosive, paper money couldn’t be immersed in it for a long period of time. But the “magic” cans had to feel as though they contained Coke, so the company filled the rigged cans with chlorine and ammonium sulfate to replicate a Coke can’s weight.

But consumers were so jaded by “creative” advertising that when the commercials showed dollars shooting out of a can, people assumed it was figurative. Nobody actually thought money would torpedo their face. As a result, consumers who opened the spring-loaded cans were speared with hundred-dollar bills shooting down their throats or up their noses. And in many of the cans the mechanism failed, so customers (including an 11-year-old boy) ended up gulping chlorine and ammonium sulfate.

The contest was halted after three weeks, as Coke execs, realizing that recalling the rigged cans was impossible as they’d been randomly distributed among millions of others, took out full-page ads warning “don’t drink Coke until you make sure it’s not poison or a harpoon.”

This Valentine’s Day, Walkers Crisps, the dominant U.K. potato chip manufacturer, decided to one-up Coke in terms of imbecilic promotions. They hid a bunch of heart-shaped chips in random bags. Anyone who found one would win £100,000 ($121,000).

Because as everybody knows, potato chips are never blindly eaten in a clump. No, you take each one out individually, study it, place it on a plate, and observe its contours.

Turns out all the prizewining chips were eaten. One woman in Shropshire, unaware of the contest, even photographed the heart before consuming it.

No prizes awarded, just a bunch of pissed-off customers who’ll always remember Valentine’s Day 2023 as the day they lost $121,000.

Next up: “Uncle Ben’s has marked one grain of rice with a tiny green dot for St. Paddy’s Day; find it and win $1 million! Grab your microscope now!”