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The Week’s Most Narrowing, Harrowing, and Cupid’s Arrowing Headlines

UP, UP, AND HUAWEI IN MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON
The Chinese just can’t help stealing intellectual property.

And as always, their pilfered remakes are of inferior quality.

Like the Chinese version of The Red Balloon, which played out live across the U.S. last week. The 200-foot spy balloon, red only in the Marxist sense, drifted across the entire nation, gathering information because Xi Jinping has grown dissatisfied with the results of Operation TikTok:

Xi: “Have we learned anything from monitoring those stupid videos?”

General Zuocheng: “Well, American girls take great pleasure in giving the middle finger while sticking their tongue out. We’re…uh…not sure why. Oh, and there’s a definite correlation between septum piercings and severe retardation.”

Xi: “Excellent! Flood America with septum rings! Especially the horseshoe ones that look like snot.”

As Republicans and Democrats bickered over the proper response to the spy balloon (Republicans: “Shoot it down!” Democrats: “Give it an H-1B visa!”), only one man on the scene had the guts to state the truth. Writing in The Guardian (no, not that Guardian…the Sri Lanka Guardian, with the masthead “We’re even crappier than the British one”), former Reagan administration official and Ron Unz/Alex Jones house idiot Paul Craig Roberts announced that the “Chinese” balloon was a hoax! Strategic mastermind Joe Biden faked the whole thing to start a war with China. He even inflated the balloon personally using Hunter’s penis pump.

Since Roberts is the guy who declared the Pulse nightclub shooting a hoax because footage of a victim being carried from the club was obviously phony, as six people cannot carry one prone human body (yes, he really said that), and if fifty people were truly shot, blood would be tidal-waving out the front door like the elevator in The Shining (ditto), surely Roberts is the one to trust on this matter.

“We don’t have a Malaysian airliner to blame on China, but we do have a weather balloon,” Roberts wrote, before donning a septum ring, sticking his tongue out, and giving the middle finger.

BLACK HISTORY MUNCH
Even if every black person in America received $151 million in reparations money—and that’s the actual figure bandied about by Democrats—shootings at fast-food restaurants would likely continue as usual.

Because it’s never about money, but principle. Indeed, the insistence on perfect fast-food orders is of theological significance to blacks.

Fries so hot Satan himself would be scalded!

Should a shake machine break, it must be cursed so that it never produces shakes again (“cursed” meaning kicked repeatedly and thrown to the ground).

On all black people’s hamburgers, extra cheese slices must be stacked so high the Lord confuses their language (oh wait, that’s already happened).

Last week alone, a disgruntled magical black woman in New Orleans shot a Popeyes worker over a disputed order, an unsatisfied traffic light inventor did the same at a Lynn, Mass., Wendy’s, and a discontented customer shot two people at a Burger King in Aiken, S.C. (that shooter’s race wasn’t revealed, but Aiken’s 35 percent black, so…).

Yet with all of these joyous Black History Month festivities, there’s a cloud on the horizon. Indeed, black America’s greatest nightmare may be coming to pass…

The food’s fighting back.

An employee at a Memphis Checkers pulled a gun on a testifyin’ Tarquesha who complained about her order, and in Puerto Rico, three American tourists—Jackson Brandom Tremayne, Wallace Alonso Florence, and Carlos Brown—were at a mobile hamburger cart when a “fair-skinned man with long white hair” told them to leave (so that’s where Julian Sands went). When the blaxidental tourists refused, a mob stabbed them.

After a New York middle school was criticized last week for serving a “Black History” meal that included watermelon, a school spokesman told the press “we were just looking for anything that wouldn’t provoke a shooting by being too cold. This isn’t about racial insensitivity, but getting through February alive.”

REVENGE OF THE GERD
As the Big Macs are fighting back against the Cutty Macks, 2023 is shaping up to be the year the food gets even.

In the past month, two men in India were killed by two different knife-wielding roosters. Frankly, even one man murdered by a knife-wielding rooster would be newsworthy. But two in the same month? “Man bites dog,” meet “chicken fillets man.”

In Kakinada, 43-year-old Suryapraksha Rao was fatally slashed in the legs by a bladed rooster who apparently ordered the “all dark meat” Colonel Curry meal. And in Godavari, another rooster, obviously thinking, “What’s good for the goose is good for the Gandhi,” fatally slashed a dude named K. Padmaraju.

Perhaps Hindus should rethink having the cow as the uneatable animal; chickens seem pissed at the double standard.

Meanwhile, a pig in Hong Kong said, “Th-th-th-that’s all, chinks,” to a butcher. Per CNN, “the butcher had been about to kill the pig—which he’d already shot with an electric stun gun—when it regained consciousness and knocked him over.” The butcher was found stabbed with a meat cleaver.

Quentin Tarantino’s version of Babe is definitely not for kids.

The slaughterhouse refused to say what happened to the butcher’s remains, but if you’re at a restaurant in Hong Kong this week and you see “m” instead of “n” in “Hunan pork,” it’s not a typo.

And in the States, fat white dude Taylor LeJeune, a.k.a. “Waffler69,” a TikTok star who gained millions of followers by eating rotting and expired food, died last week from eating rotting and expired food.

Norm Macdonald always said the perfect joke is one in which the setup is also the punchline.

Chickens wielding knives like it’s the Zoot Suit Riots is newsworthy. Miss Piggy giving a fatal chop to a butcher is newsworthy. But “man bites expired dog”?

That story went as expected.

In tribute, female TikTokers gave Waffler a 21-tongue-and-middle-finger salute.

TOOL TIME
One night in Bangkok made a hard man humble.

Laith Abdallah Algaz is, well, was a “masculinity vlogger” who went by the name “Leo Rex” (“Lion King,” so you already know he’s a douche). On his popular YouTube channel, Algaz bragged that he could show men how to increase the length of their member. In one video, titled “growing a supraphysiological penis,” Algaz claimed he’d increased the size of his own mini-minaret by two whole inches (thus giving him a grand total of two-and-a-quarter).

But last week, Drew P. Salaami was found beaten to death in a Thailand apartment. The Daily Beast, quoting local police chief Kunlachart Kunlachai (life goes on, bra, la-la how the life goes on), stated that the crime scene was bloody, and there are no suspects.

Considering that Asians are willing to exterminate the world’s entire tiger population in their search for larger wing-wangs, it’s probably best not to swindle these insecure, emasculated psychos with fake enhancement trouser-snake oil.

Still, Algaz’s death wasn’t the top headline-grabbing story on the beat-off beat last week. In the parking lot of a Mobile, Ala., gas station, bystanders found an intact tallywack just…lying there, on the concrete.

Fortunately, none of the bystanders were gay, or they would’ve invoked the five-second rule.

Turns out the penile projectile had landed in the lot after it was knocked off the body of a motorcyclist who got hit by a car on the nearby interstate.

That car hit the guy so hard it turned him into Rachel Levine.

And while the loss for the cyclist is certainly tragic, on the bright side, the driver has opened the nation’s first mobile transgender clinic.

Drive in a man, drive out a ma’am.

ARMY OF ONE
Speaking of lost appendages…

Bethany Hamilton is an American surfer who made headlines in 2003 when, at age 13, her arm was bitten off by a shark while surfing in Kauai (why the shark was surfing, we’ll never know).

After recovering, Hamilton was lauded in the press as a hero…which unintentionally suggests that everyone who’s ever died of shark wounds is the opposite.

“My son was bitten by a great white and died. What a sniveling coward!”

Unfortunately for Hamilton, after two decades of reverence (including a biopic and documentary), she’s a hero no more. Last week, Hamilton—a devout Christian—came out strongly against the World Surf League and International Surfing Association’s “transgender policy,” which allows men in dresses to compete on the women’s circuit. Hamilton declared that she’ll boycott the league if female surfers are forced to compete with pervy dudes in lipstick.

Perhaps it takes someone who’s suffered an unwanted amputation to fully comprehend the folly of tranny ideology: Getting your penis chopped off no more makes a man a woman than losing your arms makes a human a snake.

Hamilton is now being denounced as “transphobic,” while the tiger shark that bit her has been given an honorary chair at Oberlin.

Meanwhile, over in the U.K., the Church of England is considering changing its liturgy and scriptures to present God as “gender-neutral” so that trannies aren’t offended by hearing the Heavenly Father referred to as, well, “father.”

The COE’s version of Exodus has already been changed so that God tells Moses, “I ma’am that I ma’am.” Also, Noah’s animal couples are same-sex. In the New Testament, Jesus no longer cures a leper but alters his hormones. And he only busts up the money changers because they misgendered him.

As the U.K. continues to dismantle everything that once made it great, it can certainly be said that, at least for U.K. Christians, the Four Transmen of the Apocalypse have arrived.