The Week’s Most Remembered, Dismembered, and Decembered Headlines

WOE-PENING CEREMONIES
A dictatorship where slavery is commonplace, homosexuality is illegal, and women are subjugated, Qatar saw the World Cup as an opportunity to prove that it’s even worse than its reputation.

The greatest minds in Qatar (five camels and a caracal) decided that creating an Olympics-style opening ceremony would be just the thing to psychologically destroy attendees to the point where they’d accept Islam to end their torment.

The spectacle began with a white ghostlike figure in a Klan robe sweeping over the stage, a tribute to American noose hoaxes. A petite lip-synching woman joined in (correction: It was Korean boy-band superstar Jungkook). Then Morgan Freeman entered, also lip-synching (poorly) to a speech about tolerance (for everyone but gays, women, and slaves), a magical moment briefly interrupted as Qatari emir Tamim walked by to give him huge bags of cash in sacks with dollar signs on them in exchange for his soul (“Honestly,” Freeman snapped, “you couldn’t have picked a worse time”).

Then Freeman knelt to speak with a talking soccer ball. Wait, it was actually Ghanim al-Muftah, a deformed Qatari “influencer” born with nothing below his chest (he’s the poster boy for the emirate’s campaign to promote birth control in man/sheep couplings). As Freeman tried to look comfortable sitting on the floor talking to inch-high caliphi (and here even Freeman’s talents failed him), Tamim invited the Saudi crown prince on stage, where the latter bragged about having recently beheaded four women for “sorcery.”

Whether the heads will be used as balls in upcoming matches, the emirate has yet to say.

Vladimir Putin told the AP, “Losing all those men in Ukraine was a small price to pay for getting banned from this dumpster fire.”

Meanwhile, Hollywood’s planning a Shawshank Redemption reboot with Freeman reprising his role of Red and Ghanim al-Muftah as Andy. “I remember thinking it would take Andy 600 years to tunnel out of here. Turns out all I had to do was stuff him in a pillowcase and chuck him over the wall like a hammer throw. I hope he landed in the Pacific.”

HBCU IN HELL
Twenty-five-year-old Shanquella Robinson of Charlotte was known as the “braid queen.” When her girlfriends from their HBCU alma mater Winston-Salem State invited Her Royal Twineness to join them for a weekend in Cabo, Queen Shanquella’s noblesse oblige dictated she accept.

Sadly, within 24 hours of landing, Robinson became the second queen to die in 2022. Her friends told authorities that Cornropatra suffered alcohol poisoning. And that claim would’ve held up had the autopsy not revealed that Her Majesty had been beaten to death (with injuries so bad, even a Mexican coroner noticed them).

Also, the tragic black girls forgot to erase the cell-phone footage they shot of them beating Shanquella to death.

Such irony! They would’ve gotten away with it if only they hadn’t recorded the murder and put it on TikTok. Every criminal mastermind forgets one small detail.

Reportedly, as Queen Shanquella’s courtiers ambushed her, she turned to her friends and remarked, “Et tu, Bootay?”

HBCU grad and self-described “sophisticated African-American male” Todd Smith told Fox News that Shanquella’s friends were jealous because she’d “blown up” and “found success” as the braid queen.

The assassination of Frizz Ferdinand by Gavril-ho Princip.

At Shanquella’s funeral, mourners wore “RIP Braid Queen” shirts. As for the question of who’ll reign in her place, all eyes are on Meghan Markle, who not only needs a new royal title, but proved her mettle by passing the female version of the Excalibur test by driving a sword into Prince Harry’s stones.

MAD-HATTER TRANSFER
At first, Colorado gay-nightclub shooter Anderson Lee Aldrich seemed like a perfect villain: a white kid whose grandpa is a prominent GOP politician. A right-wing white-cis-homophobe-transphobe mass killer! Time to pass a law making drag shows as mandatory as the vax.

Unfortunately, Aldrich wouldn’t play ball. He told his attorneys that he’s “non-binary,” identifying as “Mx.” and using “they/them” pronouns. And as dictated by the media’s Tran Commandments (“Thou shalt not take the pronouns of the Tranny in vain”), journalists had no choice but to take the killer at his word (after all, trannies never pretend to be trans, except most of them).

Is Aldrich trolling? He’s an obese basement-dwelling heroin-using computer nerd obsessed with anime porn. So yeah, he might be trolling. And it says a lot about our media that a lunatic can murder five people and then dictate to the press how they speak of him. CNN host Alisyn Camerota, in a discussion with Al Franken, expressed frustration with Aldrich’s gender claim, which throws a monkeypox wrench into the narrative of “antigay hate crime.”

She also expressed frustration that Franken wouldn’t stop grabbing her boobs.

Over at NBC, “reporter” Ben Collins, a boob of such magnitude even Franken is intimidated, shifted his tweets about the story from “right-wing homophobe murders gays” to “bullied transgender pushed too far by transphobic trolls.”

Hopefully, Collins migrates to Mastodon, so nobody has to hear from him again.

As for fleshy incel Aldrich, expect him to keep up the trans routine in hopes of being sent to a women’s prison, the only place on earth a guy like him will ever have the chance to see a naked woman who’s not behind a paywall.

VERY BLACK FRIDAY
Still reeling from the gay-nightclub disappointment, journalists spied a shot at redemption after a mass shooting at a Chesapeake Walmart. As NBC News pointed out, the killing had all the hallmarks of the time in May “when a racist white gunman shot 10 Black people dead at a grocery store in Buffalo.” After all, the Walmart’s in a black area and the survivors have names like K’Maria and Kwintessa and other words you’d expect to see on the name badges of people who roll their eyes when you ask a simple question (“I’m awn break now, n’kay?”).

The news media’s communications-degreed infinite monkeys were poised at their keyboards, ready to bang out another “white racists must be stopped!” story to spur a few riots (because how better to mourn a mass murder at Walmart than to loot Walmart?).

Unfortunately, word came that the murderer was the store’s disgruntled manager. Which means black, because nobody does disgruntled shooting sprees better than blacks.

And indeed, the shooter, Andre Bing, turned out to be every reporter’s worst nightmare. According to witnesses, he burst into the break room and shot everyone he saw, which was pretty much every worker in the store, because of course they were all on break.

Bing had a history of behavioral problems and multiple complaints that had been ignored by upper management because the new rules are you can’t fire a black person for any reason.

Whereas conversely, you can fire a white person for no reason.

As der Bingle brought a blight Christmas to Chesapeake, over in San Francisco, John Arntz, the city’s elections director, is about to be fired for his skin color. The Elections Commission told Arntz that even though his service has been exemplary, they’re terminating him for being white.

If you thought that kind of discrimination is illegal, take it up with the nation’s “civil rights” lawyers.

Oh wait, they’re on break.

TRANSPOTTING
If a mass-murdering incel can change gender at will, why not an entire nation?

Twenty-seven years ago, filmgoers were treated to Danny Boyle’s Trainspotting, a gritty look at an Edinburgh crawling with addicts and thugs.

Americans, who’d been used to movies depicting Scotland as a civilized, pastoral paradise only occasionally sullied by lake monsters or Mel Gibson’s ass, were shocked by images that made the nation look like a Third World hellhole.

These days, Scotland can only aspire to Third World hellhole. Bonnie Alba has become Jessica Alba—beautiful a long time ago, still decent from afar, but up close, a craggy wasteland with a fried brain.

The Scottish government is about to pass something called “self-ID,” under which women would officially cease to exist as anything but a theoretical concept. A man need only say “I’m a woman,” and he’ll be one. Self-ID doesn’t even require proof of “transitioning” or intent to “transition.”

Just say the word, and laddie becomes lassie.

Already in Scotland’s prisons, male inmates have begun identifying as women in order to be moved to women-only facilities. According to the Daily Express, 50 percent of the men petitioning to be transferred only “realized” they were women once they were incarcerated (when they also coincidentally realized that by simply saying “Hoot, I’m a hen,” they could get their own reluctant harem).

Many of the male prisoners now declaring as women are sex criminals. Strikingly, there have been 6,758 allegations of sexual abuse lodged by female prisoners since 2014. More strikingly, SNP leader Sturgeon, who, like her namesake, is a bottom feeder with no vision, is cool with this.

It would be easy to make a joke about how a nation of skirt-wearing men was always destined to go tranny, or how the Scot reputation for stinginess wasn’t supposed to apply to brain cells. But perhaps the best epitaph for once-great Scotland is a rewording of the one its native son Robert Louis Stevenson penned for himself:

Under the wide and starry sky,
I realized that hey, I’m not a guy!
Do I still have a johnson? Aye, och aye,
And I’ll get laid with it against her will.
This be the gift Sturgeon gave to me,
That I be a woman, yet I stand to pee.
And for all the real women locked up with me,
Call me ma’am as I have my fill.