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The Week’s Most Informal, Abnormal, and Paranormal Headlines

MIAMI HERALD ENDORSES CANDIDATE WHO SAYS SHE WAS ABDUCTED BY NORDIC SPACE ALIENS
Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera is a chubby, middle-aged Latina who appears to dye her hair red. She insists that when she was but a wee lass of seven, blond aliens who resembled Jesus Christ abducted her onto a spaceship and told her that a cave in Malta houses thousands of alien skulls and that “the center of the world’s energy is Africa,” which clearly proves that these aliens were either dumb or liars. She also claims that she has been telepathically communicating with aliens ever since that abduction and once witnessed a UFO at age 17.

Aguilera is a Republican candidate for a congressional house seat this November. The Miami Herald endorsed her candidacy over those of eight other GOP contenders. While acknowledging that she was “unusual,” the editors claimed that they are fond of her “boots-on-the-ground ideas and experience.”

We can only conclude that when the blond Christlike aliens transported Aguilera onto their ship, her boots remained on the ground.

TRUMP PILLORIED FOR NOTICING PLIGHT OF SOUTH AFRICAN FARMERS 
Last week after viewing an episode of Tucker Carlson Tonight dealing with the new South African government policy of grabbing land from white farmers, President Trump tweeted the following:

I have asked Secretary of State @SecPompeo to closely study the South Africa land and farm seizures and expropriations and the large scale killing of farmers. “South African Government is now seizing land from white farmers.”

The mainstream press, which acts dead-certain that it is empirically impossible for white people to ever be the victims of racial hatred or violence, insisted that Trump was mindlessly parroting the baseless and widely debunked conspiracy theories of Nazi white-supremacist Alt-Right hatemongers. The very same people who insist that America is awash in white supremacist violence because one woman had a heart attack in Charlottesville after a car that was being attacked with baseball bats drove into a crowd pooh-poohed the idea that there was any looming threat to the whites who remain in South Africa.

In the rare cases where scribes didn’t entirely gaslight Trump and allowed the possibility that just maybe one or two white farmers had been murdered, they justified it by trotting out the ice-cold newspeak:

Whether or not it’s actually true is irrelevant.

Stellar point. Why should anyone care if elderly white couples are having boiling water poured on them or old white men are being burned to death or four-year-old white girls are being raped and then set on fire? The real issue is that all white people are Nazis and deserve to die.

HEALTH GUIDE SUBSTITUTES “FRONT HOLE” FOR “VAGINA”
As any man who in the throes of teenage lust while groping around for the female sexual entrance knows, vaginas are not located in the front of a woman’s body. At best, they’re due south—if the female torso were a world map, the vagina would be Antarctica.

This is why it’s so confounding that in its quest to eternally appease the perpetually bruised feelings of the fewer than one in a hundred Americans who suffer from the delusion that their genitals are lying to them, the website healthline.com recently published something called the “LGBTQIA Safe Sex Guide,” which included this gleaming pink nugget of queerthink gobbledygook:

For the purposes of this guide, we’ve chosen to include alternative words for readers to use for their genitals. For example, some trans men choose to use the words ‘front hole’ or ‘internal genital’ instead of ‘νagina.’ Alternatively, some trans women may say ‘strapless’ or ‘girl d***’ for penis. This usage is meant for one-on-one communication with trusted persons, such as your doctor or partner, not for broad discussion.

The guide was issued in part as the result of a study from last November which whined in the most headache-inducing way possible that “transgender men…get pregnant and give birth…[and] face discrimination.”

Funny—the verb “to discriminate” means “to tell the difference between things.” So if it’s “discrimination” to tell the difference between a man who will never be able to give birth and a woman who can, so be it. The statement continues with the holesplaining:

In the LGBTQIA Safe Sex Guide, we use both front hole and vagina. “Front hole” is one of the numerous, accepted terms for genitalia we use specifically for certain members of the trans community who identify with it. In no instance in this guide are we saying we want to replace the word vagina.

As far as we’re concerned, they can take that guide and stuff it up their internal genital.

SAN FRANCISCO’S POOP PATROLLERS MAKE CLOSE TO $200K A YEAR
We wrote recently about how San Francisco’s token black female mayor London Breed commented that “there is more feces on the sidewalks than I’ve ever seen growing up here.” What we didn’t know at the time is that the daffy bastards who are employed to clean up the killing fields of human shit strewn throughout the streets of this insanely overpriced coastal enclave make $184,000 a year in combined salary and benefits.

The fact that San Francisco is plagued by people who are so animalistic that they squat out turd logs in public is, of course, blamed on a “lack of affordable housing” rather than the fact that some people are animals.

AL SHARPTON CAN’T GET NO RESPICT
The Reverend Al Sharpton is perhaps best known for leaping like a predatory cockroach on race-hate hoaxes such as the Tawana Brawley debacle and the Duke Lacrosse Rape fraud.

He is also famous for referring to Greeks as “homos” and whites as “crackers” and for fanning the flames of a black/Jewish riot by referring to Jews as “diamond dealers,” but he must be some kind of genius because he’s still paid handsomely to pose as an anti-racist crusader.

Sharpton can rightly be credited as the man who lit the fire under the modern #Resistance by enjoining his TV listeners to “resist we much.”

In response to the recent death of the large black planet known as Aretha Franklin and to President Trump’s depiction of black turncoat Amarosa Marigault Newman as a “dog,” he commanded Trump to show a little “R-E-S-P-I-C-T” to his fellow human beings.

The mere fact that Sharpton isn’t homeless and squeegeeing commuters’ windshields outside the Lincoln Tunnel is proof that America is not a racist nation.

NASCAR DRIVER LOSES SPONSOR OVER COMMENT HIS DAD MADE BEFORE HE WAS BORN
NASCAR driver Conor Daly recently had his sponsorship pulled by Lilly Diabetes—which seems like a weird sponsor for race cars, anyway—after it was revealed that back in the early 1980s his father made the mistake of using the phrase “nigger in the woodpile.”
Conor is only 26. The alleged statement was made more than a decade before he was even born.

According to a press release from Lilly—who might be better served sponsoring wheelchair races or competitions where diabetics try to touch their toes—Derek Daly’s comment distracted from their focus on Conor’s racing, which must be why they chose to completely abandon Conor’ racing and focus instead on something his dad allegedly said nearly forty years ago.

The Irish-born Derek Daly attempted to clarify what he said, not realizing that such efforts are useless in the face of stampeding herds of social-justice bison:

In the early 80’s, after I had recently relocated to the United States, I was interviewed….I responded by explaining that I was a foreign driver now in America, driving for an American team, with an American crew, and with an American sponsor – and that if things did not go well, the only ‘n’ in the wood pile” would be me. At the time, I meant that I, as the new foreigner on the team, would shoulder the blame and I would be the scapegoat. This was not in any way shape or form meant to be a racial slur. This phrase was commonly used in Ireland, Britain, and Australia.

Typical thing for a monkey-faced lowlife Mick to say.

VERMONT’S TRANNY GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE SAYS HE’S BEING THREATENED
This is David Hallquist. In 2015, the former CEO of an electrical corporation decided he was a chick and changed his name to Christine, donning a wig that sort of makes him look like a fat Corey Feldman in drag.

Early in August, Hallquist won the Democratic nomination to become the governor of Vermont, a quaint and beautiful state that used to host homespun hillbillies but has now become glutted with psychotic socialists whom we suspect fled places such as Boston and New York because they were uncomfortably diverse. (As of 2015, and despite all the lip service it pays to diversity, Vermont was still a solid 94% white.)

As Hallquist prepares to quite possibly become the first tranny governor in American history, he is claiming that he has received violent death threats, a move which may simply be a deflection tactic to engender sympathy and prevent people from wondering, “Who’s the fat dude in the wig?”

Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.