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The Week’s Most Grueling, Drooling, and April-Fooling Headlines

SLAPPY BLACK
Once again, an onstage disaster has overshadowed the Best Picture win of a woke film. In 2017, the Warren Beatty/Faye Dunaway envelope mix-up upstaged the win by the black-African-immigrant-gay-tranny-Hispanic-pedo film Moonlight (a movie that never had a script, just a series of checked boxes). And this year, the “historical” win of “Look at us, we’re deaf!” movie CODA was ignored because everyone was talking about the Will Smith/Chris Rock slap (on the bright side, the cast of CODA couldn’t hear what people were chatting about anyway).

The Hitch-slap sparked debate on the left, ranging from “Hooray, a black man standing up for his woman!” to “Racism caused Smith to assault Rock” to “Racism is why people are criticizing Smith for assaulting Rock.”

Finally, leftists settled on “White folks just need to shut up.”

The inevitable end-point of all leftist debates.

On the right, a bunch of amateur Zapruders studied the slap for clues as to whether it was staged (correction: A bunch of amateur Zapruders decided it was staged and then projected their confirmation bias on the footage). “Rock kept smiling after the blow” (because we all know that any man sucker punched in front of millions of people will simply crumble to the floor crying, “Oweee oweee I need my mommy!” Ego and adrenaline are Deep State myths). “The slap was orchestrated for ratings” (even though the moment was bleeped for U.S. audiences and only viewable on YouTube and Twitter).

Perhaps the best argument against the incident being staged is that Rock had no decent comeback. In 1974, the Academy was tipped off that a streaker might crash the event, so host David Niven was pre-equipped with a witty rejoinder. Niven’s “off-the-cuff” comment went down in Oscar history.

So, with Smith and Rock we have an A-lister destroying his brand on the night of his first Oscar win and a comedian stammering with no comeback.

Paging Oliver Stone! This was definitely a false flag.

PH.D IS A PH.DUNCE
The worst-of-all-takes on the Smith/Rock incident came from self-promoting, self-appointed “spokesman for blacks” Dr. Jason Johnson (a “Dr. Jill Biden” type with a nonmedical Ph.D and an inferiority complex that compels him to demand to be called “doctor”).

Doc Johnson, a regular commentator on (of course) MSNBC and (of course) CNN, took to Twitter to declare that if a white man had told the “Jada so bald men tryna use her head to pick up a spare” joke, the Academy would’ve unleashed a strike force to tackle Will Smith before he could reach his target:

No way Will Smith does that to a white comedian. A Bill Burr or Ricky Gervais. He wouldn’t have even been able to reach the stage. He definitely would’ve been asked to leave afterwards. And both of those comedians would be just as likely to make that joke.

When it comes to BS “doctors,” Jason Johnson is the best of ’em. He can’t cure disease or stitch a wound, but man, can he prove why degrees in political science are only of worth if you use them to light a cigar.

The idea that if a white comedian had told the “Jada so bald gypsies read her head” joke, and if Smith had stepped up on stage as he did, the Academy would’ve unleashed some hidden Seal Team Six to tackle him, is so stupid, it could literally only come from an MSNBC guy with a worthless degree. The notion that the telecast’s producer had a red panic button to push in case a white person needed help is pure paranoid schizophrenia.

This guy literally believes that the producer said, “We’ll let Smith stay because he only hit a black man.”

Oh wait—the show’s producer was black and he employed an all-black production team. So the decision to not deploy the Green Berets, and to let Smith stay after the assault, was made by blacks.

It’s hard to say whether “Sawbones Johnson” is mentally ill or just incurably stupid. But either way, he’s earned his position at CNN and MSNBC, where paranoid schizophrenia and/or mental retardation are job requirements.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION ISN’T SENDING ITS BEST
And on the topic of that “all-black Oscars production team”…

It might not have been the best idea to choose the staff via color chart instead of knowledge and experience.

“Incidental music cues” have always been the most annoying way talentless filmmakers club an audience over the head with the obvious. Like when a Chinese character enters the room and the soundtrack plays “tingle-tingle-tingle-ting-ting-ting, GONG!”

Experienced TV producers would avoid such things.

But this year’s Oscars didn’t go by experience, just color.

2022 Oscars so black, Angelina Jolie tried to adopt it. 2022 Oscars so black, the sets were bought on layaway. 2022 Oscars so black, it was sponsored by Newport menthols. 2022 Oscars so black, CPS seized the budget for unpaid child support.

And wow, did that all-black staff go wild with the ethnic/racial incidental music cues.

When Ugandan-born actor Daniel Kaluuya walked on stage to present an award, the producers played Toto’s “Africa” as the music cue.

As Toto are an L.A. band with zero connection to Africa (and no founding black members), one can assume this idiotic error occurred because one of the affirmative-actioned cancer-curers googled “Africa music” and downloaded the first thing that came up.

Later, when Colombian/Bolivian actress Stephanie Beatriz took the stage, the producers played Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita,” which is as authentically South/Central American as a Del Taco Crunchtada.

“Alexa, play somethin’ Spanish, yo.”

While covering the outrage surrounding these gaffes, The Hollywood Reporter was forced to admit that no white decision-makers were involved.

Too bad this wasn’t the year Parasite won; it would’ve been nice to hear that Charlie Chan theme music.

JUDGE FRUITY
It wasn’t just the Academy Awards that checked all the right boxes regarding hiring practices last week. Elsewhere in the formerly great state of California, unrestrained madman Gavin Newsom chose a walking disaster in a dress as the first openly transgender Superior Court appointee in the state’s history.

If you took Paul Shaffer and threw a wig on him, he’d still look better than Andi Mudryk, Newsom’s new tranny judge. Judge Trainryk welcomed the news of “her” installation with a speech in which “she” put the people of the state on notice that “she” checks so many victimhood boxes, resistance to the appointment is futile.

Judge Schmendryk told the L.A. Times that zhe’s “a transgender woman, a person with a significant disability, the parent of an adult Black man, and the descendant of Jewish Holocaust survivors.”

Cut to Mudryk’s parents looking at each other and saying, “Oy, we survived for this?”

The Times doesn’t explain what the “parent of an adult Black man” thing means (if you have a black son, you have a black son, whether he’s a minor or an adult). Some questions are best left unanswered; it’s likely the “adult Black son” mess involves grown men in diapers and Pulp Fiction S&M “gimp” outfits.

Good luck to anyone without victimhood cred who appears before Judge Cut-Off-My-Pudryk. No doubt the judge will show little compassion toward parents whose children are being forcibly “transitioned” at their school.

Governor Gruesome is currently scanning the roster of lower-court judges for his next appointee.

Word has it that in Bakersfield there’s a traffic court judge who identifies as a “transgender Afro-Cuban dwarf with Lyme disease and long Covid who has a 100-year-old Cambodian son who survived Pol Pot because he’s part hyena and also invisible.”

California’s next state Supreme Court chief justice!

THE MOLDIN’ STATE
And since we’re in California, why leave just yet? Such geographic beauty. Majestic mountains, stunning beaches, snowy slopes, starry deserts, and a rich history of supporting the Confederacy and growing cotton on slave plantations.

Wait, uh, that last one doesn’t seem accurate. But before you consult a history book to determine if Jefferson Davis ran his renegade republic from Malibu (“Ah do declare, Madam Streisand, that your new guesthouse has blocked mah ocean view. You have offended mah honor”), know that to the California legislature, whether or not the state ever had slavery is irrelevant.

Cali is paying off blacks for something Cali never did.

Last week, the “blue ribbon panel” convened by Governor Newsom to determine the scope of California’s slavery reparations scheme released its first report (the report took longer than expected after Bubba Wallace mistook the blue ribbon for a noose and 300 FBI agents descended upon Sacramento to investigate).

Funny enough, the asylum of anencephalic vegetables on the panel were locked in a bitter dispute over who should get the gubmint cash. One group favored blacks who can trace their lineage to slavery. The other favored any person who identifies as even partially “black.”

For those who enjoy reading between the lines, the latter group was comprised of Democrats who realize that with blacks now making up barely 5% of the state, the cash giveaway is meaningless, vote-wise, if it can’t be extended to Hispanics.

“Si, señor, mi nombre es Kunta Gonzales. You need drywall, massa? I do drywall.”

Sadly, by a 5-to-4 vote, the panel decided that only slavery descendants will get the dough, because in the words of every black on the panel, “ain’t no beaner gettin’ my bread.”

So, the group that votes 100% Democrat no matter what will now get millions of taxpayer dollars from Democrats.

Kinda makes the entire venture meaningless.

Still, for those who seek to heal the wounds of California’s nonexistent Confederate history, finally, some closure.