The Week’s Most Soniferous, Maliferous, and Pestiferous Headlines

FATHER BIDEN CELEBRATES MASS(ACRE)
Only suckas, rubes, and racists observed Memorial Day last weekend. Thanks to President Biden, the evil reign of that right-wing militarist “holiday” has finally ended, supplanted by a new “memorial day” weekend commemorating the Tulsa Race Massacre, which occurred on May 31 and June 1, 1921 (initially, Memorial Day was going to be replaced by “Enjoy the Long Weekend Day,” in which Americans would be forced to gawk at photos of the cackling harpy who serves as vice president. But cooler heads realized that being forced to view photos of massacre victims is less traumatizing).

The Tulsa Race Massacre started when something that no one can describe for certain happened between two people in an elevator in a city generally not known for elevators at the time (“I don’t trust no dang magic liftin’ box to take mah feet off the ground, hang-dern it”). Either a black man tripped and fell on a white female elevator operator, or he groped her, or the two were having a tryst (both cats skipped town once the rifles and pitchforks came out, so it’ll likely never be known for sure). The notion of a black man touching a white woman in a devil sky box riled the local whites, who demanded the black guy’s lynching. The cops and some local National Guardsmen kept order admirably, and the whole thing would’ve very likely blown over, except apparently (some conjecture here) a time traveler appeared before Tulsa’s black community leaders. The mysterious stranger said, “If the Jews had only had guns, they could’ve defeated Hitler and avoided the Holocaust.” The Tulsa blacks told the time traveler, “Dem woids don’ mean’ nuttin’ ta us, but is you sayin’ dat if we gits our guns, we kin fight da lynch mob, even tho we’z only 10% of da population?”

And the time traveler said, “Yep—and your example will live on forever, proving that yes, armed with guns, a small oppressed population can fully defeat the might of an oppressive regime, no matter how large.”

So the blacks did as instructed, arming up and marching on the white part of town. And they got their asses royally kicked, as the white majority and the formerly sympathetic police and Guardsmen used heavy armaments, superior numbers, and even airplanes to round up the town’s blacks and burn their neighborhood to the ground, leaving most of Tulsa’s black population homeless and destitute.

Little-known fact: That time traveler was Wayne LaPierre, who—his psyche shattered from seeing his thesis put into action only for it to spectacularly fail—returned to the present to devote his life to recklessly misspending the NRA’s money on drunken debauchery.

And although “black Tulsa,” including the vaunted “Black Wall Street,” was indeed violently demolished, in terms of human casualties, official figures at the time listed only 36 deaths (26 black and 10 white), and a 2001 estimate raised it to 39 (26 black and 13 white).

Not exactly a one-sided “massacre,” if a “massacre” at all. In 2021, we call 26 dead black people “a Saturday night in Chicago.”

Still, President Biden visited Tulsa, where he gave a speech to inaugurate the new Tulsa Massacre Memorial Day by declaring the event “the Holocaust on steroids,” before falling asleep at the podium and dreaming that he himself was back in 1921 fistfighting Rudolph Valentino over Clara Bow’s hand in marriage. “C’mon, man, she’s mine, fat!” the president mumbled before his people turned the hose on him.

The press did its part to help usher in Tulsa Massacre Day, running breathless stories with inflated casualty figures (“300 black dead! No, 3,000! Wait, make that 30,000!”), always being careful to avoid mentioning the white dead or the fact that the authorities pretty much had the situation under control until the armed black mob showed up (most historians agree that it was a black who fired the first shot).

And although airplanes were indeed used in the course of the riot for observation of crowds and fires, the press added—unchallenged—lurid and questionable accounts of planes dropping bombs on blacks, blitzkrieg-style (in fact, the only offensive use of a plane during the riots was when a white pilot flew over the black part of town dragging a banner depicting a massively overweight white woman, hoping it would make the blacks look up and stare long enough to be disarmed).

Of course, the good news—trumpeted by Biden during his speech—is that black Tulsa was rebuilt, and today the community is stronger than ever at almost 16% of the city.

Not mentioned by the president was that the city also has one of the worst crime rates in the U.S., hitting a three-decade high in 2020, a year in which far more Tulsa blacks died due to homicide than in 1921 due to the riot.

But don’t worry; no one will call that a “massacre.”

OKLA-CHUTZPAH
Let’s not leave Tulsa just yet. After all, the place always looks so nice this time of year, decked out as it is in Massacre Day decorations (not to mention the nightly Massacre Day parade).

Barack Obama was president on the 90th anniversary of the 1921 unrest, and frankly that really should’ve been the time to begin mining the damn thing for political gain, as there were a lot more survivors to exploit. As it fell to good ol’ Joe to be the first president to elevate the riot to “sacred pivotal national moment of racial reckoning” status, it fell to his staffers to find out if any black “survivors” of the event were still alive. And wouldn’t you know it, three oldies are still breathing! They are Viola Fletcher, 107, her brother Hughes Van Ellis, 100, and Lessie Benningfield Randle, 106.

What a racist country this is where black people can live that long (average life span in Central Africa: 51 years).

The crowning moment of Biden’s Tulsa trip was supposed to occur Monday night the 31st at ONEOK Field baseball stadium. John Legend was going to give a concert, followed by Stacey Abrams doing her beloved medley of “Baby Got Back,” “Fat Bottomed Girls,” and “Da Butt.” Then, for the climax, Biden was to take the stage along with the three massacre survivors for a rendition of “The Old Gray Mare” backed by the Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldiers Jug Band.

The event was to be called “Remember & Rise” (i.e., two things that Biden and the centenarians can no longer do without assistance).

Each “survivor” charged the event organizers $100,000 for their presence, and the event chairman, black Democratic Oklahoma State Senator Kevin Matthews, agreed. After all, these fine old people had been through so much in their youth, surely a small honorarium would…

Wait, a MILLION DOLLARS? Yes, after the organizers agreed to the hundred thou, the survivors decided to up their demands to one million bucks per person, and fifty million extra for a “reparations fund.”

To which Representative Matthews responded, “Git yo’ wrinkly old Miss Jane Pittman-lookin’ asses outta my office before I cut the brakes on your Jazzy Power Chairs.”

The event was called off and nobody got nuthin’.

It was the worst “massacre” ever.

Still, the weekend wasn’t entirely a wash. The owners of local Tulsa sneaker store Silhouette felt so bad for 107-year-old Viola Fletcher, they gave her a free pair of Air Jordans and boasted about it on Twitter.

Fletcher is wheelchair-bound and unable to walk. So…maybe not the greatest gift. Worse still, Michael Jordan himself showed up and took Fletcher for five months’ worth of social security checks pitching quarters.

On top of all that, Fletcher had to go back home and explain to her relatives that she turned down a $100,000 check. After all, when you’re 107 and you get $100,000, your closest relations are obviously gonna think of that money as theirs.

Dad: “Great-grandma’s bringin’ home the dough this week! I’m gonna get me a new car!”

Mom: “I’m gonna get that weave I had my eyes on.”

Son: “I’m gonna be able to go to a good college!”

[Everyone laughs hysterically.]

Son: “I know, I know, just kiddin’. It’s a PS5 for me!”

[Grandma Fletcher wheels through the door.]

Fletcher: “I turned down the money, but I got me these big-ass Frankenstein shoes that killed my circulation. I hope Medicare covers amputations, ’cause otherwise y’all gonna have to pay.”

And for the second time in her life, Viola Fletcher finds herself homeless and destitute.

SOUTHERN FRIED CHICANERY
It was the crime of the decade, or at least that’s how it would appear, judging by the media coverage. The year was 2010, the month was March. The 14th of March, to be exact. And Americans who had fooled themselves into thinking that their beloved country was not a racist hellhole of genocidal slavers and KKK madmen were about to receive a mighty wake-up call…amplified by a public address loudspeaker.

On that March day in Washington Township, N.J., a teenager grabbed the PA microphone at a Walmart and announced, “Attention, Walmart customers: All black people leave the store now,” before running out the front door giggling like an idiot.

It was the single worst racist atrocity in U.S. history. Manzanar? Bah! Those Japs don’t know what suffering is. In fact, survivors of the Tulsa Race Massacre donated reparations money to the blacks who were in the Walmart that day, saying, “What happened to us was a walk in the park in comparison.”

The Walmart PA incident was given front-page coverage in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and every other major paper in the U.S. It was a leadoff story on every network news show that night. Police spared no expense identifying and arresting the 16-year-old culprit, who was charged with “harassment and bias intimidation,” and Gloucester County Prosecutor Sean Dalton, who held daily press briefings about the matter, assured the media and all of America’s black citizens that justice would be swift and merciless.

Oddly, the boy’s race was never revealed to the public because, according to Dalton, “it did not factor into the investigation” (take from that what you will).

Sadly, not everyone in the media was on board with declaring the teen prank worse than slavery. Cole Johnson at Mic condemned Donnell Battie, a black man who was in the store at the time of the prank, for suing Walmart for $1 million because the PA announcement left him with “severe and disabling emotional and psychological harm, resulting in depression, anxiety, anger, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, paranoia, anti-social tendencies and loss of enjoyment in life activities.”

Wow, that’s some mighty fragility there! (Batty Battie’s case was dismissed in 2013.)

And The Christian Science Monitor went further, warning that the hideously disproportionate and outsize amount of media attention given to a stupid prank could lead to years of copycat hoaxes by attention-seekers looking to stir the racial cauldron.

Perhaps people should’ve listened. But, as noble as The CS Monitor’s attempt to warn against impending disaster might have been, it was like telling retarded children to stop running with scissors.

Some calamities in life cannot be prevented by good advice.

In the eleven years since the New Jersey Chainstore Massacre, not a week has gone by without breathless coverage of some new race hoax. Sites like Mic have long given up trying to talk sense into black folks who claim to have suffered debilitating injuries by seeing a rope on the ground or a white sheet on a bed or the swastika they drew themselves on their own dorm-room door or the hate messages from nonexistent Klansmen they emailed to themselves.

And whites are always expected to recite the same pre-written under-duress hostage statement every time one of those hoaxes occurs: “Whether this particular incident was genuine or not is irrelevant; the fact that it happened and that blacks were emotionally hurt by it proves how racist this nation is and how far we still have to go to become a truly equitable society.”

Last week, two pranksters drove up to a St. Louis Popeyes and glued a note to the drive-through menu stating: “Effective 6-1-21 … This restaurant is under new management and will reserve the right to refuse service to white people. We apologize for any inconvenience. Signed, general manager, Mason.”

The manager (who is not “Mason”) explained to local media that the note was a hoax by two random strangers unconnected to the store or anyone who works there. He removed the placard, much to the chagrin of white customers who were taking photos posing next to it for fun. The media reported the story with no outrage, there were no “lessons” that needed to be learned, and no whiteys sued or claimed debilitating injuries from having seen the note (indeed, it was laughed off by whites who were interviewed on the local news).

By the next day, the entire incident was forgotten.

Meanwhile, a bunch of black students at Central Connecticut State University had to be given emergency medical and psychological treatment after seeing a nearby crane with a steel cable loop being used in the construction of a parking lot, because the loop reminded them of a noose.

Robin DiAngelo, the author of White Fragility, was unavailable for comment.

FASHION WEAK
One of the more blatant but often ignored differences between far-left and far-right protesters is fashion. In fact, the question of attire is a defining one on the ideological spectrum. Leftists, like those lovable murderous terrorists of Antifa, were wearing masks long before it was cool (and mandated). Groups like Antifa function, by their own admission, as a bloc, a single unthinking entity, dressed alike in black, the members indistinguishable from each other. This is in part a matter of simple practicality: If everyone at a riot looks the same, it’s almost impossible for authorities to make ex post facto arrests, due to the difficulty of identifying culprits via security cam video. So on that level, the “black bloc” thing is smart (as much as one hates to cede that leftists can be smart).

But also, the “mob of cookie-cutter clones” theme reflects leftism itself, which subsumes the individual into the communal, where the individual matters only to the extent that he serves the group.

Ah, but rightists…when it comes to demonstrations, marches, and protests, they become Mexican teenage girls heading to Quinceañera. Everyone wants to dress up and show off their finest dogmatic duds, hoping that they dun gets thar pitcher taken by the commie devil media. So they wear their favorite “message” shirt, or wacky hat, or somethin’ loud and patriotic. Or somethin’ puckish and ironic. Or something flat-out stupid.

Yeah, most of the time it’s flat-out stupid.

Like 56-year-old Robert Keith Packer, the “eccentric” and “oddball” Virginian who attended the Jan. 6 Capitol riot wearing a shirt reading “Camp Auschwitz: Work Brings Freedom.”

Oh, what an impish little satyr! And he certainly got his wish, getting his picture in the paper more times in one week than Meghan Markle gets in a month (and that’s saying a lot). Because what’s more effective when trying to convey a serious political message than ironic Nazi and Holocaust references?

Well, everything. Literally everything on earth is more effective. Stapling a copy of the Bill of Rights to your testicles would be a more subtle and less destructive manner of communication, and far less likely to negatively affect those with the misfortune of being your comrades in arms.

Thanks to Mr. Irony Shirt Cretin, an indelible image of 1/6 was created that will long outlive most of the dolts who stormed the building.

Now, you’d think that with Packer in jail and his shirt becoming lesson No. 1 in what not to wear if you’re a rightist looking to make a serious political statement, similar activists wouldn’t be falling all over themselves to repeat his error.

You’d be wrong.

Gigi Gaskins, the owner of a Nashville hat store called hatWRKS, decided to make a statement about what she views as the undue pressure being put on Americans to get vaccinated against Covid. And indeed, it’s a wholly legitimate issue, with politicians and business leaders talking about “special privileges” for the vaxxed—“permission” to travel, “permission” to enter stores maskless, “permission” to no longer socially distance.

So what’s a guaranteed way to take a wholly legitimate issue and flush all chances of constructive dialogue or consensus-building down the toilet?

Ask Gigi Gaskins, whose store is selling yellow Star of David patches—the kind the Nazis forced Jews to wear in Germany—with the words “NOT VACCINATED” in the center.

Genius!

On Instagram, Gaskins claims to be fighting “tyranny,” as if that’s a free pass for embarking on an idiotic crusade that will alienate more people than it attracts.

Edmund Burke is often (falsely) quoted as having said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Proper attribution aside, perhaps a more timely, 21st-century iteration is, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to respond like dumbasses.”

Although it might be naive to expect sensitivity to the horrors of the Holocaust from someone named GASkins.

As expected, everyone from The New York Times to the GOP to the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum has condemned the mad hatter harridan for her mischievous little stunt, and the Stetson company has banned its hats from sale in her store, a meaningless gesture for a hat store in L.A., but for one in Nashville, potentially fatal.

Oh well. Perhaps Gaskins is hard at work on a protest hat, a Stetson embroidered with “Arbeit Macht Fedora.”

TAB HUNTERS
Students at Cambridge University are often referred to as “tabs,” sometimes derisively, sometimes affectionately (the term comes from Cantabrigia, a medieval term for Cambridge). And these days, the “tabs” are being encouraged to keep tabs on their teachers, via a new supersecret anonymous “snitch line” that allows students to report teachers and administrators for “racist microaggressions.”

This “snitch line” is not some kind of off-campus guerrilla endeavor launched by the university’s most radical nipple-pierced bone-through-the-nose Marxist transgender transhumanist androgynous angry black-lesbo-feminist-queer cranially malformed pinhead students. No, it’s an official snitch line launched by the university itself for radical nipple-pierced bone-through-the-nose Marxist transgender transhumanist androgynous angry black-lesbo-feminist-queer cranially malformed pinhead students to destroy the lives of their professors.

As reported in The Sunday Times, the university, which has christened the service “Report + Support,” has even provided a short list of things for which teachers should be reported, including “backhanded compliments” directed at students of color, and this gem: “raising eyebrows when a black member of staff or student is speaking.”

Of course, squinting when a person of color is speaking is also forbidden. As are blank stares. So eyebrows can’t go up, or down, or remain steady and fixed.

Cambridge has essentially banned white people from having faces.

Who knew that the faceless Pale Man monster from Pan’s Labyrinth would end up being the template for “the only employable white at Cambridge.”

Of course, he’d still get fired for boasting about being pale.

The Report + Support tool is being championed by a ghoulish extra from The Walking Dead named Dr. Priyamvada Gopal, who achieved some measure of fame last year after she tweeted “White lives don’t matter” and “Abolish whiteness.” Dr. BudBud Bhopal is a professor of “postcolonial studies” at Cambridge (apparently that’s a thing). And when she’s not propagandizing her students or tweeting out racial hatred, she serves as the poster girl for the U.K. Coffee Distributors Association, where her ghastly visage appears on billboards under this caption aimed at Britons: “Your single-minded historical obsession with tea brought this into your Empire; drink more coffee!”

Dr. GoPro has been the leading advocate for the snitch tool, which she claims (in a recent op-ed) will upset “white boys,” so therefore it must be good.

Funny enough, opposing Primavera Goulash are Cambridge professors with names like Sir Partha Dasgupta, Arif Ahmed, and David Abulafia. England has essentially become a living embodiment of the Alien vs. Predator franchise, in which monstrous aliens battle each other as the indigenous inhabitants cower in a dark corner hoping that the less genocidal species wins.

“Bloody ’ell, I sure ’ope the winner is the one who’ll dominate us with a sense of honor an’ not the one who’ll murder us on sight!”

And for the moment it looks like the “right” aliens have prevailed. Turns out in British suicide poker a Dasgupta, Ahmed, and Abulafia beats a Gopal. Last week Cambridge announced that the Report + Support site is being taken down for “retooling,” although the vice-chancellor promised it’ll return in a less Orwellian form…perhaps one in which there’s a “three strikes” policy on eyebrow-raising before a white teacher can be fired.

Cambridge 2021: where Wynken, Blynken, and Nod isn’t a children’s poem but a list of boxes to check on a white professor’s termination papers.