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The Week’s Most Thunderous, Plunderous, and Blunderous Headlines

RAPPER KARENS HIMSELF
In Mexico, it’s quite common for members of the drug cartels to either sing songs about their crimes, or commission professional musicians to write and record songs about their crimes. Those ditties, called “narcocorridos” (drug ballads), are essentially musical confessions, and in any civilized nation, they’d be treated as such by law enforcement. But narcocorridos flourish south of the border because broadly speaking there are only two types of Mexican cop: on the take and in league with the bad guys, or upright and scared shitless of being killed by the bad guys.

Neither type has any desire to haul in the cartel members and use their ballads against them.

But here in the U.S., even in the face of George Soros’ best efforts to prevent it, criminals sometimes still get arrested and prosecuted. So boasting about your crimes in song is not always advisable. That’s a lesson learned too late by an L.A. rapper named Fontrell Antonio Baines. Baines, who “performs” under the name Nuke Bizzle, was busted last week for scamming a whopping $1.2 million from the Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security Act (hey, that spells CARES! That means it has to be a good program), which was signed by President Trump in March. Bizzle applied for and received 92 phony Employment Development Department (“EDD”) electronic benefit payment debit cards, because if Trump had put any strings on getting EDD cards (as in, not being able to apply for 92 of them under false IDs), he’d have risked losing a few black votes, and we all know that it’s the black vote and the black vote alone that’ll secure reelection on the 3rd.

It’s actually startling how easily Bizzle was able to work the system. His scam set off no alarm bells (alarms bells having been long ago eliminated for being racist). He got the money, no problem. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling…Nuke Bizzle.

See, Bizzle recorded a rap called “EDD,” in which he bragged about scamming the government for phony EDD cards. And he shot a video for it, in which he re-created scamming the government for phony EDD cards. And he played the song on Instagram as he filmed himself scamming the government for phony EDD cards.

And when LAPD detectives searched Bizzle’s home, they found that he’d scammed the government for phony EDD cards. What are the odds?

Nuke Bizzle was literally his own George Zimmerman, tattling on himself like some gossipy neighborhood busybody.

On the bright side, Bizzle is in good company. He joins an esteemed corps of rappers who gave away their own game, including C-Murder (arrested for murder), Pimp C (arrested for pimp-slappin’ a bitch), Bobby Shmurda (arrested for conspiracy to commit murda), and J-Dee of Da Lench Mob (who “lenched” a man for hornin’ in on his girlfriend).

The good news is, it’s highly likely that thousands of less musically inclined prospective ghetto Trump voters have been able to retain their scammed EDD winnings because they knew to keep their fool mouths shut.

SWINGIN’ POPE PITCHES BIG TENT
In a new documentary film that premiered last week, Pope Francis—the Vatican equivalent of the cool, laid-back college professor who lets you call him by his first name as he reeks of pot and maybe gets a little too touchy-feely, and in the end you realize you never actually learned a damn thing in his class—comes out staunchly in favor of civil unions for LGBTs. Yep, the pope’s all-in for gays gettin’ hitched! And to deliver that message he chose as his apostle a Jewish Israeli filmmaker, because at this point it’s literally all about daring conspiracy theorists to not take the bait.

Evgeny Afineevsky’s movie Francesco covers the pope’s newfound embrace of consecrated buttsex, as it chronicles the progressive pontiff’s campaign to push for the canonical acceptance and legal recognition of same-sex unions.

Funny enough, in his 2013 book On Heaven and Earth, Pope Permissive XXX claimed that laws “assimilating” gay relationships into marriage are “an anthropological regression,” adding that “if same-sex couples are given adoption rights, there could be affected children. Every person needs a male father and a female mother that can help them shape their identity.”

Look, science changes. One day Bill Nye is saying there are only two sexes, and the next he’s redacting his old work and admitting that “boy/girl” is just a social construct. By that same token, faith changes too. It’s not like the pope is supposed to be representing some kind of eternal, unchanging truth, right? Some kinda hifalutin “word of God,” right?

It’s not like he’s the pope or anything.

In an interview with EWTN News, filmmaker Afineevsky bragged that his friend the Holy Seesaw isn’t supposed to be “a leader to people in the sense of the Catholic Church, but in the sense of pure leadership, on the ground, on the streets.”

Yes, how ludicrous to expect a pope to be a leader of Catholics.

And while we’ll all suffer from the loss of “is the pope Catholic” as a rhetorical device, at least bears still shit in the woods.

Just as popes shit on doctrine.

BLACK DOCTORS AIN’T FOOLED BY NO GENOCIDAL WHITE VACCINE
In a perfect world, Emmett Till would have been part of the Tuskegee Syphilis Study. Such a serendipitous fusion of the two things black America will never shut up about would be the joining of chocolate and peanut butter into one delicious woke candy bar of whiteshaming.

And while the authors of a recent antiracist “study” published in The New England Journal of Medicine (which believe it or not used to actually cover medicine) were unable to find a way to work Mr. Till into their story, they certainly made some excellent hay from the unfortunate fate of the unwitting black syphilitic study subjects (a.k.a. the “Tuskegee Baudelairemen”).

“Trustworthiness Before Trust—Covid-19 Vaccine Trials and the Black Community” was penned by Rueben Warren, director of the Tuskegee University National Center for Bioethics in Research and Health Care, and David Augustin Hodge, associate director of the same institution (whose solo works can best be described as “massively convoluted gibberish,” and that’s being very generous). The other two authors are a couple of Harvard white dudes who probably spent their time on the study doing an impression of the speechless stick guy.

The gist of the “study” is that while whitey needs to “trust the science,” the black man don’t. The black duty to mistrust science is rooted in “centuries of well-documented examples of racist exploitation by American physicians and researchers”…although the authors can name only one actual example of such “racist exploitation”—you guessed it, the Tuskegee Syphilis Study. Therefore, because of these many (one) examples, the Tuskegee Mental Impairmen argue that blacks should not avail themselves of any Covid vaccines until white doctors have provided “convincing evidence” that the vaccines are not part of a racist plot.

Most importantly, the Tuskegee Nothing Going On Upstairmen stress that the white man’s vaccines are so risky, so likely to kill black people, that blacks should not partake of any Covid vaccine unless assurances are given that they will receive appropriate medical care if they are injured as a result. The authors call for “the pharmaceutical companies sponsoring these trials to establish a fund to guarantee health care coverage and death benefits to patients and families as compensation for serious vaccine injuries or possible deaths.”

You’ll never find any “vaxxers” being given a platform in The New England Journal of Medicine. But “blaxxers”? That’s another story. As long as you’re slamming vaccines to slam whitey, it’s totally cool to say that vaccines are risky. So risky, in fact, that a fund is needed to compensate patients and families for injury or death resulting from vaccinations.

This whole “uncritically accept everything a black person says and never impose even the mildest demand for rationality” thing is going great for science. Although the paper does leave one obvious question unanswered: If the white man’s medicine is so dangerous to blacks, weren’t the Tuskegee syphilitics better off without the penicillin?

ICE GRINDR
In the Terrance McNally play (and subsequent film) The Ritz, a man running from the Mob is forced to hide out in a gay bathhouse. The man is hetero, and, trapped in the refuge, he soon finds himself besieged on all sides by dudes trying to rape him.

It’s a comedy. And every bit as funny as it sounds.

The state of California, in conjunction with ICE, is currently producing a real-life version of The Ritz in the privately run immigration detention centers that dot the state. Apparently, those facilities have become hotbeds of hot, steamy, but not always consensual gay sex, according to a recent L.A. Times “exposé.”

Among the cases detailed in the report:

A detainee from South Korea named J. Lee (detained for overstaying his tourist visa) kept waking up each morning feeling like something wasn’t quite right. Chalking it up to kimchi withdrawal, Lee put it out of his mind, until one of his two cellmates confided in him that each night as he slept, the other cellmate had been slipping his hand down Lee’s pants and jerking his jaji.

Another detainee at a different facility was trailed into a bathroom by an inmate who fondled his buttocks and slapped his rear with his penis.

Yet another detainee at the same facility complained that every time he made a phone call to a family member, a persistent fellow inmate would grab and fondle his “member” as he spoke.

And poor Geovany Murillo, a “refugee” from Honduras. His 53-year-old cellmate would “watch him shower, masturbate in front of him, and slap his buttocks.” According to the prison, the cellmate was well-known in the facility for grabbing every genital he saw. It wasn’t just a hobby for this guy, but a passion.

All in all, the Times found a whopping 135 cases in California since 2017 of ICE detainees molested by other detainees. Amazingly, at no point in the lengthy piece did the Times bring up the fact that its own editorial board has pushed for the blanket emptying of these facilities. Had the paper mentioned that fascinating factoid, readers might have found themselves asking, “So it’s bad when these creeps commit sexual assault in detention centers, but it’s perfectly fine to release them so they can commit those same crimes in our neighborhoods?”

To which the Times would have surely answered, “Yes. Yes it is.” After all, as the paper points out, many of the detainees came here seeking amnesty on the grounds that they were persecuted in their home country for being LGBT. All that grabbing and groping and penis slapping is just them trying to be free. Like birds. Like rapey, dick-slappy birds.

Of course, there’s also the possibility, again unmentioned by the Times, that these detainees were being “persecuted” in their home countries for being rapists.

Even so, there might still be a place for these poor unfortunates on the outside, if only to fill the vacuum created by the “cancellation” of homegrown grabbers, gropers, and slappers like Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Toobin.

TRENTA REWARD FOR SHORT CUP O’ NOTHING
19-year-old Santee, Calif., native Alex Beckom is the hero of the day. The plucky and young (and fat ’n’ black) female Starbucks barista was serving a tall, thin white woman who was wearing a Trump 2020 Covid mask when the blonde dared to lower her mask to better communicate with Beckom.

A lowered mask? Truly a horror story worthy of the Halloween season.

When Beckom lectured the woman to pull her mask back up, the blondie responded, in a manner best described as “snippy” (though not overly aggressive), that she felt as though she was being singled out because of her mask’s message. While the two women remained fairly polite in their exchange, Beckom continued to needle the leggy cracker about the need to wear a mask. At which point the ofay devil took her coffee and, while still not raising her voice, brusquely responded with “Fuck you” and “Fuck Black Lives Matter” as she exited.

The customer was rude, to be sure. But she left quickly, and generally maintained an even tone throughout. The entire incident lasted a mere fifty seconds.

So of course Alex Beckom is being hailed as a hero for having “survived” a “loud assault” by a white woman. For literally just standing there as a white customer was snippy with her, Beckom has been lauded by the press, praised by Starbucks HQ, and awarded $25,000 in “reparations” via a GoFundMe campaign.

It’s tough being black in America. Beckom literally said that to The San Diego Union-Tribune as she wiped her ass with all the money she made from a fifty-second interaction.

Granted, the proper wearing of masks is Starbucks policy, and a customer cannot expect Starbucks to change its policies for the sake of one griping malcontent. Except when a black person who is not a customer wants to use the restroom, in which case Starbucks was totally forced to change its “restroom for customers only” policy in every single Starbucks on earth.

Perhaps the most important point is, where are the GoFundMes for the hundreds of white Americans who’ve been subjected to BLM terrorists angrily screaming directly in their faces at outdoor cafés and restaurants (sometimes with bullhorns)?

Alex Beckom got $20,000 (and counting) for standing still for fifty seconds as a white girl was rude in a nonaggressive way. If a stocky black chick secured safely behind plexiglass being told “Fuck BLM” by a rail-thin white girl who quickly exits the store is worth $25,000, one can only guess the proper compensation for those elderly whites at a Pittsburgh restaurant who were surrounded by young, aggressive, violent blacks screaming “Fuck white people” right in their ears.

Not that Beckom doesn’t deserve kudos for refusing to return rudeness with rudeness. But what’s the point of rewarding black people for doing the right thing if you don’t criticize them for doing the opposite?

Remember that time a bunch of black lunatics stormed a Starbucks and berated a white barista by screaming into a bullhorn held inches from his face? And the white guy just stood there stoically and peacefully, taking the abuse with dignity?

Remember how the press defended the aggressors and made it seem like the barista’s calm demeanor was a bad thing?

Do you think that Starbucks employee got $25,000 and a congratulatory call from corporate HQ?

Wanna guess?