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HISPANIC BROTHERS AWARDED $2.6 MILLION FOR THE INSINUATION THAT THEY ENJOY TACOS
Blood brothers Ramon and Jeffrey Cuevas worked at a North Jersey property-management company from 2005 to 2008. At one point during their employment, their boss subjected Ramon to this humiliating, soul-crushing, self-esteem-obliterating line at a company luncheon: “Sorry, Ramon, they did not have tacos for you.” The Cuevas brothers claim they were unfairly targeted for inferior work—not for any remote possibility that their work was subpar, but obviously because they were Hispanic. They were fired after complaining to their higher-ups about racial discrimination—undoubtedly because their employers were guilty of racial discrimination and not because they suspected the brothers of racial opportunism. After receiving the monstrously large settlement, which would enable the average taco-lover to buy millions of tacos with all the fixin’s, Ramon Cuevas proclaimed, “My name has been cleared, my reputation restored.” We presume this means that the world now knows beyond a reasonable doubt that he really doesn’t like tacos.

BLACK MAN SUES NYC NIGHTCLUB FOR $500 MILLION AFTER REFUSING TO ALLOW HIM TO BRING A CAKE INTO THEIR ESTABLISHMENT
A man of sub-Saharan ancestry named Rainbell Owens is suing the Manhattan nightclub 230 Fifth for a half-billion dollars regarding a 2009 incident where Owens and fifteen of his all-black friends were ejected for allegedly bringing in a cake that club owner Steven Greenberg feared would damage his expensive sofa. Greenberg also claims that Owens’s group became “boisterous and obstructive” after two or three hours and only agreed to leave after being given a refund. Apparently the refund was insufficient. The cake is presumed dead.

LESBIAN SUES SIZZLER STEAK HOUSE FOR ALLEGED BIAS ATTACK
A woman with the undeniably lesbian-sounding name of Liza Friedlander is seeking an unspecified lump of cash from a Sizzler steak house in Queens, NY, for an alleged 2010 incident in which she says she was called a “he-she freak,” a “fucking dyke,” and was physically assaulted by a restaurant worker “Just because I don’t appear to be the Sizzler manager’s idea of what a woman should look like.” The accused manager, Edgar Orellana, denies her charges and claims that because he is Hispanic, “I respect people of all ethnicities, races, or sexuality.” He says the incident started when he confronted Friedlander for failing to pay for her buffet meal. Orellana described the aggrieved lesbian as “violent from the start.” But Friedlander describes the event as a “nightmare” which included cruel homophobic chants from the restaurant’s patrons. If her version is true, this incident is indeed shocking; even more shocking was hearing the news that Sizzler restaurants still exist.

WHITE FIREFIGHTERS (AND ONE HISPANIC) DISCRIMINATED AGAINST FOR HIGH TEST SCORES
The city of New Haven, CT, awarded $2 million last Thursday to a group of 20 Connecticut firefighters—one Hispanic and 19 whites—for “reverse discrimination” in a 2009 Supreme Court decision that concluded they were unfairly passed over in favor of nonwhite applicants who’d scored lower on civil-service exams. Ironically fearing a discrimination lawsuit from low-scoring nonwhites, New Haven officials had originally thrown out the test results and hired themselves some dusky individuals anyway. But the Supreme Court decision and the damages awarded were rare public displays of legal disdain for what we’ve defined as “bad discrimination”—i.e., telling the difference between two things and choosing the inferior one.