Andrew Yang

Source: Wikimedia Commons

Last Wednesday and Thursday night, the top twenty Democratic presidential candidates—yes, there are actually more than twenty—locked horns in Miami to bitch about corporations, racial injustice, brown children who are denied Facebook access in concentration camps, how guns are uncool, and all the other shit no one really cares about. Every last one of them was rich and powerful—at least compared to me—yet none of them could stop screaming about the “rich and powerful.”

After thinking that my vote for Trump would change something—anything—I’m back to where I was before 2016—despondent that voting changes anything at all. I am unfamiliar with nearly all of these clowns, and I doubt that I’d be persuaded even if they explained their policies.

My “analysis” of their performances is based not on their policies, because I doubt that even they understand their policies, if they in fact have them. Instead,I will focus on what actually decides elections—physiognomy and gut reactions.

Here are the 20 candidates, presented in alphabetical order.

MICHAEL BENNET
Right out of the box, I’m annoyed that he spells his surname with only one “T.” But not only is that unforgivable, as is the fact that he has all the personality of room-temperature milk, he had to go and blow everything by announcing, live and onstage, that he is a recent survivor of prostate cancer. This means that doctors have been fiddling around inside his anus. How will that look—and smell—on a world stage? It also means that he has been compromised as a male, and this is entirely unacceptable. A man without a functional and robust prostate gland is not fit to be the leader of the free world. Do we really want a president who won’t ever be able to achieve another erection? He has no chance to become president, and he really needs to shut up.

JOE BIDEN
This duplicitous, shape-shifting cactus is drying up in front of our eyes. If he survives the primaries and is the Democratic nominee, his body will contain all the moisture of a tumbleweed on Election Eve, and a dehydrated president is not what this nation needs right now. Even though he’s a white man, he wants everyone to know he’s not cool with it, and he went out of his way to call Trump a racist and a supporter of white supremacists. It didn’t help, though—the mulatto mud-puppy Kamala Harris ate him alive on some alleged “racism” in his past, but Joe knew it would be political suicide to get salty with an ex-Negress. And there’s no way his teeth are real.

CORY BOOKER
This bullet-headed, haunted-eyed faygelah surrounds himself with hostile-looking black women and claims that people on his block are getting shot all the time, and somehow he expects this to be his pathway to electoral victory? Apparently both of his parents were black, but not by much, as he’d have trouble passing the paper-bag test. During the debate he claimed, without a hint of irony, that “we” don’t talk nearly enough about black trannies. This, combined with his terrifying eyes and pronounced frown lines, suggests to me that he may be the first gay mulatto serial killer to run for president of a major American political party. His name should be Scary Booker. Keep him away from your children; he’s far too frightening.

PETE BUTTIGIEG
Should any president have a husband, much less a male president? Mayor Pete’s upper lip has a five o’clock shadow that is borderline Nixonian, and as he spoke in his disingenuously earnest way, I kept wondering: How many male buttholes has he sniffed? It may not seem relevant to you, but it’s intensely relevant to me: I’m not saying we should have a woman president, but if we did, we should assume that at one point or another during her various sexual escapades she’s caught a whiff of a male anus. But the fact that Pete Buttigieg has undoubtedly sniffed at least one male butthole is a deal-breaker. Sorry, but you can’t ever walk that back.

JULIAN CASTRO
Greasy and reptilian, this half-pint race-hustler eats beans and remembers the Alamo. He kept breaking into some weird language that I assume was Spanish but couldn’t be bothered to check. His entire campaign seems to be based on the fact that he’s Hispanic. But so was Richard “The Night Stalker” Ramirez. I can tell he hates gringos with every drop of grease that drips from his ample forehead. Plus, he refuses to pronounce the “J” in “Julian.”

BILL DE BLASIO
The worst hook nose and teeth of any presidential candidate I’ve ever seen. Being very tall doesn’t compensate for these glaring physical deficiencies. He made a point of mentioning that his son is black and that, by proxy, he has experienced anti-black racism. His biggest accomplishment in life is dragging a black lesbian back onto Team Hetero—impressive, but hardly presidential.

JOHN DELANEY
Way too bald to be president. Blindingly bald. All I see is bald. His eyes are intensely terrifying, perhaps even scarier than Cory Booker’s. His eyes bear the anguished and mortified expression of a man who had seen himself bald in the mirror for the first time in his life only minutes before walking onstage. He sees himself as the most moderate candidate, but he is also the baldest. Extremely bald cancels out politically moderate every time.

TULSI GABBARD
The only sensible antiwar voice in the whole campaign on either side and quite possibly the only surfer, too. She is not only Samoan, but she isn’t fat. And if she’s going to be religious, she might as well be a Hindu, because at least they have the best food. Surrounded as she is by other female candidates who couldn’t get laid at a bar in Fairbanks in mid-January at 2AM surrounded by horny lumberjacks, she is possibly the most attractive female who has ever run for president. She is also the most “presidential” in mien. She is the only candidate toward whom I had a positive reaction. I’m finding it difficult to say anything negative about her, and it’s pissing me off.

KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND
Blinking multiple times per second, Ms. Kirsten wants everyone to know that she’s a woman, but we knew that already because she can’t shut up. Everything is women women women women, and I’d like to stand before the world to announce it’s not an accomplishment to be born with a vagina, especially one I suspect is icy-cold and bears the faint aroma of clam juice and boiled cabbage. She kept interrupting everyone like the rude bitch she obviously is. If she actually meant half of what she said, she would have had a live abortion onstage during the debate.

KAMALA HARRIS
For someone who was obviously named after a famous pro wrestler—whose surname was also Harris—she grossly disrespects her heritage by insisting on mispronouncing her uniquely enchanting first name. Although she is half-black and half-Tamil Indian, I’ve never heard her say “I am a Tamil Indian and I am proud of it,” but just this year she said the same thing about being black, even though her cup of java has at least three scoops of Coffee Mate in it. She clearly hates white people and all they’ve accomplished and has made it her goal to turn the First World into the Third World while pretending it represents “progress.”

JOHN HICKENLOOPER
The Lincoln Chafee of this voting cycle, this goofy-assed fossil is polling less than 1% because he has a ridiculous name and an even more ridiculous toupee. Hairpieces should disqualify anyone from public office. He also slices his wrinkled throat by announcing that he opposes socialism in a party that fellates Karl Marx. Beyond that, I don’t know what he stands for and I don’t want to know. All I know is that I disapprove of this so-called “man.”

JAY INSLEE
A bit of a blockhead, he looks like a high school football coach who has spent most of his adult life immersed in a world of jockstraps and butt-slaps. He’s kind of the most “presidential-looking” of all the Democratic candidates in classical terms, but he’s not running in a classically oriented party. Being a normal-looking white male will be his death blow, and unless he transitions into a woman over the next 90 days, he needs to pack his duffel bag and get the heck out of here.

AMY KLOBUCHAR
Despite her unfortunate face and name, she smiles so much she seems drunk—and she may indeed be snockered simply to take the edge off what is a legendary temper. She has a self-satisfied smile that makes up for an appalling lack of beauty. She kept staring at Tulsi Gabbard as if she wanted to have sex with her. Still, I couldn’t find it within me to hate her, which is miraculous.

BETO O’ROURKE
Like some people are famous for being famous, he’s best known for being a candidate who thinks he should be a candidate. With a candy-corn nose on a Howdy Doody face, he redefines the term “lightweight.” A measure of weight lighter than a milligram should be called a “beto.” He appeared chastened by the fact that no one thinks he should be president more than he does. Like at least three other candidates—only one of whom was Hispanic—he made a point of speaking in Spanish. Why, it’s almost as if all the wetbacks in southern Texas don’t see him as a gringo no matter how hard he aims to please.

TIM RYAN
What a boring name. The only thing worse would be if his name was Kevin Ryan. This is the sort of guy who would choose to live in Ohio even if he didn’t have to. He came off like kind of a dumb douchebag—maybe the douchebaggiest of them all. Paranoid and charmless, he also suffers from noticeably dark circles under his eyes, and anus eyes do not a viable candidate make.

BERNIE SANDERS
The passage of four years has done nothing to make him happier; if anything, he’s more crotchety than ever, which I assumed was biologically impossible. Always shvitzing and kvetching and on the verge of popping a blood vessel, he is the angriest person in politics. Did you not hear him the first seven hundred times when he said, “We’re doomed”? I did, and I stopped listening after a while.

ERIC SWALWELL
Smirkingly overconfident in an asshole-jock kind of way, he looks the candidate most likely to be a date rapist. Remember, this is the power-hungry lunatic who arrogantly proclaimed that the US government has nukes and would easily squash any insurgency by gun owners. He kept reminding Joe Biden that he was younger than Joe Biden, apparently unaware that everyone in the theater was younger than Joe Biden. He also made some comment about the smell of diapers, which should have disqualified him from the debate right then and there. Plus, his last name is confusing.

ELIZABETH WARREN
What a tightly wound ball of twine this wannabe squaw is. She kept shaking her head so hard I feared it would fly off. She was so uncomfortably intense it seemed as if her ovaries were going to explode. She reminded me of grade-school nuns who’d beat you bloody with a yardstick if she so much as suspected you were even thinking of masturbating.

MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
It is quite evident that this woman’s vagina cries actual tears. She criticized the other candidates for having these dumb and superficial “plans” while insisting what is really needed is to come up with a slogan as empty as “Make America Great Again.” She said that the great struggle in this campaign season is between love and hate, and she represents love, and she’s actually stupid enough to think that Americans are dumb enough to vote for love, but if they are, she’s a genius.

ANDREW YANG
Despite being the only male without a tie, this anti-gun Russia conspiracy nutter was easily the most uptight candidate of both debates. Being Asian may be a blessing when it comes to math skills, but it is a crippling liability when it comes to the sort of charisma required to be a national leader. Yang once mentioned that whites were being affected by the opioid crisis, and as such he is the only presidential candidate in memory who has ever explicitly expressed sympathy for white people. But the moment it was brought to his attention that white nationalists supported him, he explicitly disavowed them. He won’t last past the first couple months of primaries, and every former Alt-Righter who hopped on the mega-cringey “Yang Gang” train will look like the directionless, idea-free, bandwagon-jumping meme-tards I’ve always said they are.