The Week’s Most Shaking, Baking, and Year-of-the-Snaking Headlines

DOODLER DIDDLER
Darrin Bell had it all…Pulitzer-winning Trump-hating black political cartoonist for the WaPo and syndicated comic-strip artist. Yep, the gargantuan, overweight Bell had everything. Except that 134th kiddie porn video. He’d successfully downloaded 133, but just like when he’s at a Thai buffet, he just had to go back for one more yung prik.

That final video tipped off the cops, who found more than 600 child porn images on his computer along with the 134 videos. Bell’s strip Candorville, about a middle-aged loner who can’t relate to adults, seems way less funny in hindsight.

The L.A. Times, home of Candorville for two decades, ran a blank panel the day after the arrest, informing readers that Bell’s strip would not return, and the comics page will remain one short until a replacement strip is found.

Odd that notoriously anti-Israel Times owner Patrick Soon-Shiong and his Marxist daughter Patricia Late-Shiong didn’t tap in-house “journalist” and Hamas supporter Adam Elmahrek—who in 2023 claimed that Jewish women rape themselves to frame Palestinians—to draw up a replacement. He has some boffo ideas:

Li’l Grabner: The adventures of a bestial Jew who seizes Arab land to increase the size of ZOGpatch.

MarmaDavidDuke: The plastic-surgery-obsessed Klansman is transformed into a Great Dane to escape his cruel Jewish pursuers.

Faminely Circus: The rollicking adventures of a Gaza family that has no food but lots of gumption and bombs.

Nancy: Nancy Mitford is constantly foiled by her Hitler-loving sisters Unity and Diana, along with their Mosley Blackshirt thug Sluggoy.

Blondi: Hitler’s dog serves large sandwiches to hapless Standartenführer Dägwald to keep him well-nourished for the fight against the Bolsheviks.

The Fareed Side: Fareed Zakaria discusses the two-state solution with cows, dinosaurs, and cavemen.

Rabbinicalvin and Hobbes: A young rabbi pits his imaginary tiger against Hamas’ imaginary commitment to peace.

DEADLOCKS
According to The Guardian, leftists have protest fatigue; Trump’s second inauguration brought no mass marches or riots.

Apparently, the power of the pussy hat was greatly overestimated.

Indeed, per the paper, leftists are resigned and depressed. And illegal immigrants?

Well, they’re not waiting for Trump to “take them out.”

Last week two Jamaicans decided to flee NYC for Florida, from there to sail back home. They had guts, determination, everything but a flight ticket.

Loaded up on ganja and looking to get even higher, they hid in the wheel well of a Jet Blue plane. And by the time it landed at Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood Airport, what fell out wasn’t so much Peter Tosh as Peter Squash.

Looking more like Ragu than reggae, the two mon died either by being crushed by the landing gear as it retracted, or, worse, they may have been crushed but not outright killed, dying from oxygen deprivation once the plane reached cruising altitude. And even the Jamaican brain, accustomed as it is to living in thick smoke, still needs some oxygen.

Decompression songs,
All I ever had,
Decompression songs,
These songs of bleed-’em.

It took airport officials several hours to fully recover all the body parts, as various extremities had become jammed in the gear.

We’re jammin’,
We’re jammin’ cause we can’t get on board.
Gear jammin’, jammin’,
Cause we’re carry-on not properly stored.

These men may not have been Bob Marley, but they likely died wailing.

Word has it that the Toyes are reworking their biggest hit in honor of the two ska’d marks:

I broke two joints in the morning,
At night I broke two joints.
I broke two joints when I got crushed by the wheel,
And with my frequent flyer points, I broke two joints.

I broke two joints, so rest in piece, I’m flattened to the floor,
I broke two joints before I broke two joints, and then I broke two more.

As maintenance crews clean up the runway goo, R.I.P. the Jamaican globsled team.

THE CONFESSIONS OF NAT TURNSTILE
Los Angeles has taken several measures to ease life for residents during the fire disaster.

And as always people of color are bearing the brunt of it.

The L.A. Metro subway and light rail system has suspended fares for the duration of the emergency. And just like that, the city’s taken all the fun out of riding the trains for local blacks.

“We’re still gonna jump the turnstile anyway,” rapper and baby-daddy D’Ashy Dermis told the L.A. Times. “But it just ain’t the same doin’ it with permission. It’s like, what next? Make it legal to shoot someone over fries? How much joy can they rob from us?”

Meanwhile Boyle Heights Beat, the newspaper for the 95 percent Latino East L.A. neighborhood, ran a piece highlighting how residents are coping with the fires. Boyle Heights is geographically quite far from the coastal hillsides of Pacific Palisades. But, as the paper notes, ash carried over the county is falling everywhere.

And the neighborhood is fighting back in a way that you’ll think is a joke but in fact is one of those “no joke can top it” moments: As the paper notes, with so many gardeners as residents, the Mexis are using their leaf blowers to repel the soot.

The beans have formed an impenetrable “Siegrefried Line” against ash.

Unfortunately, L.A. County has issued an official order banning leaf blowers during the crisis. The directive reads, “The use of leaf blowers is prohibited until further notice. These devices stir up ash and particulate matter into the air, further worsening air quality and increasing health risks, particularly for those with respiratory conditions, older adults, children, and other vulnerable populations.”

No more leaf blowers? Forget “deportations day one”; robbed of their defining tool, Mexicans are already marching back over the border. This is like when Hitler banned Jews from banking.

Exodus, meet Mexodus.

BEAU JEST
Can we go one Trump victory without a “Hitler salute” controversy?

In 2016 it was Richard Spencer and his “hail Trump” and sieg-heiling followers.

Spencer’s the guy in the room who always has to kill everyone’s buzz. The “can’t leave a good thing alone” dude. Cousin Oliver, but he’s with the show from the start. The shark, but it’s in the Happy Days pilot. Two and a Half Men, but the first line of episode 1 is “I have AIDS from whores.”

And now, with Trump II: Trump Harder, we have Elon Musk making a gesture that resembled a sieg heil even though that may not have been his intent. And while rightists blame the media (of course), it’s an unfortunate fact that even Musk’s own people don’t know what their boss intended.

Andrea Stroppa, a “close confidant of Musk who’s acted as a middleman between the billionaire and far-right Italian PM Giorgia Meloni,” claimed that Musk was doing the “Roman salute.” Stroppa then deleted that post and blamed the “salute” on Elon’s “autism.”

With Musk, it’s impossible to know if he’s trolling, being serious, or being retarded…a kind of Schizödinger’s Cat with multiple outcomes, none of which seem befitting a man influencing a president.

Upon seeing Musk’s mess, a bunch of Australians replied, “Hold me Foster’s.” The crew of a Melbourne-to-Hobart cruise ship shocked passengers as they marched across the deck dressed in KKK robes and hoods.

Worst Love Boat episode ever.

Captain Stubing: “I hear you’ve been stealing ice.”

Isaac: “Yeah, those fifty lashes hurt like hell.”

According to the cruise company, the crewmen were dressed as “upside-down snow cones.”

Yes, from Coldstonewall Jackson Creamery (made with Emmett Tillamook).

The Aussie press is backing the crewmen, claiming that the KKK is unknown in that country (and remains so, as Django Unchained was banned there due to Tarantino’s accent).

To be fair, Australian racists never needed a KKK; give the aborigines a piece of string to play with, they end up accidentally lynching themselves.

THE SURE-STANK REDEMPTION
Robert Keith Packer, an old-timer inmate, sits before the parole board. The lead interlocutor asks Packer if he feels he’s been rehabilitated.

Packer speaks.

“Rehabilitated? Well, now, let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means.”

(Very long pause)

“I mean, I really don’t. I’m illiterate.”

After being told the meaning of the word, Packer continues…

“To me, it’s just a made-up word, like the Holocaust or the moon or the globe. Am I sorry for what I did? There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret for storming the Capitol wearing that ‘Camp Auschwitz: Staff’ hoodie. Because I forgot the ‘Juice Deserve a Noose’ cap that comes with it.”

Last week Packer was able to collect his sweatshirt and go home, along with every other J6 rioter, including the ones who beat the crap out of cops.

Trump claimed that pardoning the violent felons was the first step toward “reconciliation.”

He then added, “To me, that’s just a made-up word.”

While all J6 rioters were allowed to simply walk out of prison, many didn’t, preferring to tunnel their way out by digging a hole behind their poster of Candace Owens.

Packer: “I remember thinking it would take a man 600 years to tunnel through that wall…but I’ve already been here four just trying to figure out which end to hold the rock hammer.”

Still, some of the rioters freed by Soros (oops, sorry—Trump) did manage to tunnel out…most ending up in Mongolia.

Here’s to the J6ers, who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side of the world because they lack basic common-sensory skills like knowing up from down or north from south.