Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Meaty, Peaty, and Trick-or-Treaty Headlines

MOAT-TOWN
With the L.A. Dodgers in the World Series—and with ticket prices reaching Taylor Swift concert-level expensive—it’s instructive to recall that legendary Dodgers GM Al Campanis was fired in 1987 for claiming that there are no champion black swimmers because blacks “don’t have buoyancy.”

Was he wrong? In 2018, a Branson “duck boat” sank, wiping out two entire black families (seventeen people total). Sixty-four percent of black children can’t swim, and the other 36 percent are already drowned.

Last week on Georgia’s Sapelo Island, home of the Gullah-Geechee slave descendants, the locals were having a festival when several dozen decided to board a boat to prove to the world that blacks ain’t scared of water.

Then the gangway collapsed and they drowned. That’s how bad it’s gotten; blacks are now drowning before they leave the dock.

The Sapelo tragedy prompted Biden’s handlers to switch his IV from formaldehyde to sodium chloride so he could be rehydrated long enough to express his condolences.

True story: In 2016 the Red Cross was forced to apologize for a swimming safety poster that showed a public pool with a black kid drowning as a friendly blue whale says “not cool.” Sadly, telling blacks that “drowning isn’t cool” didn’t work. But maybe the whale idea was solid.

Introducing Bellcurve Beluga, the new Red Cross swimming safety whale, and his little black pal Booker.

Bellcurve: Ready to learn, friend?

Booker: You bet, buddy!

Bellcurve: Two skills could’ve saved blacks from the slave ships: lock-breaking and swimming. Sadly, blacks have only managed to master one of those.

Booker: The hell?

Bellcurve: The key to buoyancy is fast, repetitive leg-kicking. You’d think blacks would be good at that, with all the experience they get running from the cops.

Booker: I ain’t takin’ that crap from no fish!

Bellcurve: Actually, Booker, whales are mammals. So we have that in common. But we’re also sentient beings who mate for life, so the similarities end there.

Booker: You mutha! I’ll put my boot up yo’ blowhole!

Bellcurve and Booker: Coming to a pool near you!

HOMECOMING DUNCE
Mountain View, Colorado, has a population of 541. Needless to say, they don’t get a lot of new faces ’round those parts.

So to keep things interesting, they create new faces…with a shotgun.

Last week two Mountain View high school students were driving through town looking for a spot to take homecoming photos with their sweethearts.

Spotting a home boasting a glistening pond, the teens agreed that this would be the perfect spot for a photo to last a lifetime.

Parking outside the property, the teens approached the house to ask permission to take the pics. Finding nobody home, they returned to their vehicle, writing a polite note requesting permission from the homeowner.

And then the homeowner drove up and blew the face off one of the boys with a shotgun.

If Los Angeles is the City of Angels, Mountain View is the City of Mangles. The shooter was local councilman Brent Metz. And although the teens were not on Metz’s property when he pulled up, he suspected they might be up to no good, so he exited his truck Rambo-style. The boy who retained his face told police that he heard Metz shout, “Oh shit, my gun went off,” indicating that Metz’s firearms training is as well-honed as his ability to size up a situation.

Metz was arrested, and the shot teen is in critical condition. At least his body is. They’ll know the condition of his face when they find it.

On the plus side, while the teen is unlikely to be snapping any homecoming pics, he’s gonna be a real hit as a zombie at this year’s Halloween haunted hayride.

FAT’S MY MAMMA
The city of Carson (L.A. County) is so black its flag is a weave. Carson so black the streets are paved with gold teeth. Carson so black the city seal is Seal. Carson so black its main industry is diabetes. Carson so black its official tree is the Pickin’ Cottonwood. Carson so black it elected Mayor McCheese, then assassinated him for being too cold.

Carson’s black, okay?

And last week the city, located 7.2 miles from the beach (or as Carson residents call it, “the forbidden zone”), proved just how black it is. A dozen sophomores from Nipsey Hussle High (where every student earns an Eazy-A) were congregating at a Taco Bell when they got into an argument with a rival bunch of teens at another table (unconfirmed reports suggest that the topic of the disagreement was Édouard Manet’s role as a bridge from Realism to Impressionism, though several eyewitnesses claim it was because Darquesha called LaTrina a stank-ass ho).

Whatever the cause of the disharmony, one of the girls phoned her mamma, and nobody’s sayin’ the mamma be fat, but the recent L.A. earthquake cluster was caused by her doing jumping jacks.

Mother Macretin ran to the Taco Bell, bursting through the door like the Kool-Aid Man filled with Ripple, screaming, “I beat kids, I’ll beat you” (with Tito Jackson dead, somebody has to keep alive his daddy’s favorite bedtime lullaby). When the teens laughed, mammalardo produced a police-grade pepper spray fogger and doused the entire table (and by extension the entire establishment; you’d think a woman that obese would know how noxious gas can fill an enclosed space).

Fats Momino then started punching the kids, using a Chromebook to crack one over the head. Eventually the cops came and Gastroscoperah Winfrey was arrested.

As for the Taco Bell? Management gave refunds because the kids didn’t find the pepper spray hot enough.

GOP THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
It’s long past 1990, but don’t tell that to congressional Republicans, who are perpetually stuck in the year that’s considered peak terrestrial radio in terms of stations and listenership.

Last week Hebraic Bond villain George Soros won approval from the FCC to assume ownership of the bankrupt radio conglomerate Audacy. Audacy was a terrestrial radio giant, owning such powerhouse stations as KXFG Riverside, WRCH Hartford, KFBZ Wichita, WWKB Buffalo, and WTPT Greenville. At any given moment on any given day, upwards of ten people might’ve been listening to Audacy stations.

That’s why it went bankrupt, with over $1 billion in debt.

But Capitol Hill Republicans are balking at the FCC’s decision, claiming that allowing the diabolical Soros to take control of the Audacy “empire” two weeks before the election might skew the results.

Dudes, if there are any voters out there who’ll be swayed in their presidential choice by WVEI Providence morning DJs Richie Wrecked’er and the Pooman, those are likely not voters who’d be making a sound decision anyway.

The GOP outrage is “so 1990” in its belief that a station like WJMH Greensboro (“urban contemporary.” Tagline: “Hot booty to put you in the moody”) can sway an election. It’s also moot, considering that Trump’s biggest booster, the richest man on earth, runs Twitter/X as a nonstop pro-Trump platform. It’s pathetic to be bitching that George Soros might propagandize over KYYS Kansas City (“regional Mexican.” Audience: two gardeners and the guy with the churro cart on Eighth Street) when Elon Musk propagandizes to 245 million people a day.

There’s a time to play the victim, and there’s a time to ridicule Soros for spending a billion dollars to buy the “empire” that brings you Cowboy Kinky Kincaid, DJ at WGGY country music, Wilkes-Barre.

This endeavor will not only not influence the election, it’ll likely end as badly as Soros’ “Air America” in the 2000s.

GOP, take the W (for “win,” not “whine”).

BUDDY COP (KILLERS)
Homicides committed by juveniles are up a whopping 65 percent. “Experts” are blaming it on the pandemic, proving that it’s not just radio-obsessed Republicans who can’t stop living in the past.

Looking at one recent, unique example of juvenile homicide, it’s pretty damn difficult to find a “pandemic” angle to explain it.

The 1974 James Caan/Alan Arkin movie Freebie and the Bean was the first “buddy cop” romp. And in a Las Vegas courtroom, people are seeing what might be described as a “buddy cop killer” romp, as two teens are on trial for purposely running over a retired Nevada police chief last year.

What makes the “buddies” a mismatched pair is that Jzamir Keys (16) is a dreadlocked ghetto black and Jesus Ayala (17) is a tatted border-jumping Mexican.

So, a “gimme da free welfare” black and a quesadilla-munching wetback. In other words, Freebie and the Bean.

As Ayala and Keys ran over the 64-year-old former cop, Andreas Probst, on a desert road, Keys was recording with his phone as the two laughed hysterically about killing the old white guy. And they might’ve gotten away with it…except Keys uploaded the video online.

There are many reasons not to partner with a black teen. That’s one of them.

Last week, Ayala was ruled mentally incompetent to stand trial (wait…Keys spoiled the perfect crime by putting it on social media but Ayala’s the crazy one?). He’ll be committed indefinitely. Court-appointed doctors told the judge that Ayala has massive brain damage from birth (definition of “not sending their best”—a bean with a worse brain than a black).

It proved difficult for doctors to explain to Ayala’s madre why her son was going to the nuthouse:

Doctor: “Mrs. Ayala, your son has hypoxic–ischemic encephalopathy.”

Mrs. Ayala: “Qué?”

Doctor: “Perinatal brain injury.”

Mrs. Ayala: “Qué?”

Doctor: “Brain damage.”

Mrs. Ayala: “Qué?”

Doctor (sighs): “He’s three leaves short of a pile.”

Mrs. Ayala: “¡Ai Dios mío, es un monstruo!”