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The Week’s Iciest, Diciest, and Pumpkin Spiciest Headlines

NO RHYME OR REASON
How ironic that a dispute between black and white is taking place in Green.

Green, Ohio (94 percent white, 1.4 percent black), where two white students asked two girls to the homecoming dance with a rhyming invite that some claim shows a failure of racial sensitivity:

If we were Black we’d be picking cotton;
But unfortunately we’re white so we’re picking you for HOCO.

That’s not a failure of racial sensitivity, it’s a failure of basic English. Only a liberal Robin Williams Dead Poets Society-type could’ve trained students to suck that bad at poetry. Meter, rhythm, assonance, rhyme scheme, all wrong. And while the school’s disciplined the two students in question (for racism, not illiteracy), others in town are suggesting better poems for the cotton suitors.

A few of the options:

If we were Black we’d be picking cotton;
We’d also never listen to Johnny Rotten.

Accurate, but skirts the homecoming invite.

If we were Black we’d be picking cotton;
With yo’ giant ass I’d be besotten.

Better, but not flattering to white chicks.

If we were Black we’d be picking cotton;
And I’d beat yo’ face till it’s bloodshotten.

Decent, but “bloodshotten” is archaic.

If we were Black we’d be picking cotton;
This GHB will make the rape forgotten.

Nice, but not very romantic.

If we were Black, cotton we’d be picking;
And our KFC fingers we’d be licking.

Improving!

If we were Black we’d be picking boll;
Here, take this corsage that I stole.

Almost there!

If we were Black we’d pick cotton still;
You’re as hot as fries that don’t make me kill.

Perfect! Good luck at the dance, kids!

SWAP MEAT
Last week was all about racial impostors. A Pakistani pretending to be white, and a white pretending to be black.

And to add to the confusion, both stories took place in the U.K.

First to Birmingham, where Paki chef Ehsan Hussain posed as a right-wing white guy on Telegram to lure members of the English Defence League into an ambush. For weeks Hussain built trust in the EDL chat group by saying racially inflammatory things about nonwhite immigrants, only occasionally dropping his guard in ways that raised suspicion among his EDL marks.

“This geezer seems a bit dodgy, dunnee? I mean, why’s he so concerned with me Windows havin’ malware?”

“Relax, Jocko, ’ees a right proper mate. We oughta be chuffed to ’ave a bloke from Microsoft Security on our side.”

Hussein’s charade ultimately failed when, after one particularly lengthy tirade against bride-burning Muslim-killing street-pooping Kashmir-stealing Hindus, he actually joined the EDL and helped them firebomb the Curry King restaurant (motto: “You’re a fatter man than I am, Hunger Din”).

Meanwhile in Wales, a 57-year-old white man named Barry Griffiths accidentally stabbed himself to death while trying to separate two frozen hamburger patties.

That’s what the U.K. gets for banning guns.

Upon hearing the news of Griffiths’ demise, every black American observed a moment of silence.

“Mr. Griffiths went above and beyond in the fight against cold fast food,” Ibram Kendi told the AP. “He gave his life to protest the fact that food is sometimes colder than we’d like it to be. May his name live forever as a martyr, a white man who was not only righteous, but french fryghteous.”

Farewell, Mince of Wales.

HE IS THE EGGMAN (GOO-GOO-A-RUBE)
Good news! Violent crime is down, according to the FBI. Needless to say, the press breathlessly reported the story in an attempt to cripple the crime issue for GOPs six weeks before the election.

After all, if crime’s goin’ down, Biden and Harris must be doing something right.

Which presents a conundrum that you can expect the press not to cover.

Following the release of the FBI report, an Egyptologist read from an ancient scroll that allowed Biden to emerge from his tomb to give the following statement: “None of this happened by accident. Our American Rescue Plan—which every Republican in Congress voted against—helped deliver over $15 billion in public safety funding that enabled over 1,000 state, city, and county governments to avoid cuts to police budgets.”

The solution to the crime epidemic is funding police, say the people who cried “defund the police.”

Not a single mainstream news organ that reported the FBI stats linked police defunding to the 2020 crime explosion. Indeed, the AP condescendingly explained that the 2020 spike was caused by “the massive disruption of the pandemic, gun violence, worries about the economy and intense stress.”

If it was all about “the economy,” why was there no spike during the Great Recession?

By Biden’s own admission, the drop in crime was caused by cities ignoring the Democrat call for police defunding, while the press ignores the obvious contradiction between what Biden says (“the crime spike was ended by not defunding police”) and what journalists say (“the crime spike had nothing to do with defunding police”).

These would be really great issues for Trump and Vance to mention on the campaign trail, but alas they have other priorities. Like last week, when Vance held a media event at a Pennsylvania supermarket to announce that “thanks to Kamala Harris, a dozen eggs now cost $4.00,” while standing in front of a shelf full of eggs for $2.99.

Numbers aren’t his strong suit, but hot damn he held one heck of a hoedown in the moonshine aisle.

PHONE A-DICK-SHUN
In the 1982 Canadian horror film Murder by Phone, a madman invents a machine that turns people’s landlines into bombs detonated by his call.

And why did this psychopath concoct his elaborate plot? No joke—to punish Canadians who were not polite enough.

No, it’s not a satire on Canadians as the world’s most polite and civil milquetoasts; the film takes the premise seriously that rude bank tellers and civil servants deserve to be blown up by phone.

Is this where Israel got the inspiration for its pager-bomb gag? Or can the roots be traced earlier, to Catskills vaudeville and the introduction of the exploding cigar?

Regardless, the pager story’s been a refreshing novelty in a scenario so predictable, it’s like an animatronic Disney ride: Palestinians do a terrorism, Israel does a boom, Hezbollah does a bam, Israel does a kablammo, tards warn of WWIII, everything returns to normal.

Those tards are the same folks who repeatedly ride the Pirates of the Caribbean expecting a different outcome. “This time those jailed pirates will finally get the keys! Trust me; I have a communications degree from UC Berkeley.”

Hezbollah has now banned its members from possessing all smart devices: phones, laptops, tablets, etc. And its members, at least the ones who didn’t have their testicles blown up their rears, are complying.

Ironically, Hezbollah going Luddite happened the same week California’s Governor Newsom signed a ban on cell phones in schools. Will it make students pay better attention in class?

Well, now that Hezbollah fighters have gone cold turkey on social media, texting, video-watching, and all things internet, they’ve really taken to whittling, painting, meditating, and learning the oud.

“Forget that whole ‘war with Israel’ thing,” Hezbollah Commander Nasrallah announced on Al Jazeera. “I’m building a ship in a bottle! And our suicide commandos have taken up line dancing. You get so used to using suicide vests to kill Jews, you forget how comfy they are on the dance floor!”

Will Newsom’s phone ban similarly civilize black students in Oakland?

A lasting peace in the Middle East is more likely.

RECYCLED BAGS AND BEANS
Sticking with Newsom, last week the guv also signed a bill banning nonrecyclable plastic bags in grocery stores.

This is a new chapter in a saga that’s very “California Democrat.”

In 2016 the state banned plastic bags in grocery stores, encouraging customers to bring their own reusable canvas totes. Then, during Covid, the state banned reusable canvas totes, because after repeated use they can become “disease ridden.” And now the state’s re-banned plastic bags, but the canvas totes are still condemned as germ spreaders.

So how are Californians supposed to transport their groceries?

How about muy-recyclable Mexican kids?

Yep, that’s become a thing. Illegal beans have been crossing the border into Cali toting “reusable” kids, in order to take advantage of the Biden/Harris “here’s a hundred EBT cards!” policy for alien “families.” The kids are then shipped back to Mexico (USPS Media Mail, or in this case Mejia Mail) and reused for the next family circus act.

According to Border Patrol agents, the “recycled kids” (yes, that’s the official term) are usually sedated before the trip, sometimes with narcotics, other times with a viewing of that three-hour Kevin Costner Horizon film. And when the kids get too old for the scheme, they’re sold into sex trafficking.

So what better solution than for Newsom to use the kids as grocery transporters? Five of ’em can carry enough food for a standard American family—just stuff the kids in the trunk along with the groceries, let ’em carry the food from the car to the home, and then leave the niños on the sidewalk like electric scooters, to be used by the next family.

Newsom would be hailed as a hero: no more plastics (Mother Earth is saved!), no more canvas disease-bags, and no more kids sold into sex trafficking; they’d be slave laborers instead.

Sound crazy? Considering that the most populous state has now made it impossible to buy more food than can be held by a flimsy paper bag, there’s really no limit to how “crazy” California can get.