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The Week’s Most Mirthing, Girthing, and Virgo-Birthing Headlines

THE LITERALLY NAKED GUN
2025 will bring a reboot of the Police Squad/Naked Gun movies, starring Liam Neeson in the Frank Drebin role made famous by Leslie Nielsen. And while there’s a modicum of hope that the movie won’t be a total disaster—Neeson’s proven his chops at deadpan humor numerous times—the fact is, nothing in that film could possibly top the Police Squad-esque dialogue that surely resulted from a murder case last week in rural San Bernardino, California.

Elderly sex freaks Daniel and Stephanie Menard lived at the Olive Dell Nudist Resort (motto: “Extend your olive branch here!”). Last week the Menards went missing.

On the case: Detective Frank Drebin, who immediately began interrogating neighbors.

Drebin: Have you seen Menards?

Neighbor: No, because you’re not showing them to me.

Drebin: Do you need a photo of Menards?

Neighbor: I’d rather see them in person.

Drebin: So would I, sir. But I can’t find Menards anywhere.

Neighbor: Have you tried your underwear?

Drebin: Under where?

Neighbor: Just look down.

Drebin: Ah, a shallow grave! I’ll call in the corpse-sniffing dogs.

Michael Sparks, another nude fetishist who lived next door to the Menards, was arrested for their murder after police dogs found the bodies buried under his house.

Chief: What cracked the case, Drebin?

Drebin: Our dogs smelled Menards.

Chief: Then maybe you need to start washing better.

Drebin: Trust me, cap—I’m always watching…for crime. I just wish I could’ve saved Menards.

Chief: Have you tried Levitra?

Drebin: No, but if she’s mixed up in this, I’ll bring her in, too.

Cue music and credits.

HIS ANCESTORS COME FROM DE’NILE
Those wacky liberals! Every time an election rolls around, they move center, win, and then return to the left.

What are they, nuts? It’s almost like they enjoy electoral victories.

In Canada, retarded man-child Trudeau—about to face a federal election that, according to polls, disfavors his party—is cutting back on the mass immigration of Third Worlders that’s so unpopular with voters (free health care is great until 500,000 tubercular Africans show up). Trudeau’s also scaled back his “temporary foreign worker” program. From now on, Quebecers will have to slave away in their own poutine fields.

Meanwhile in the U.S., Harris is trying to pretend that her soft-on-crime and soft-on-immigration policies are a thing of the past. When grilled in a recent interview on how she could so quickly switch her soft stances to hard ones, Harris responded that it was always her specialty, going back to when she was a political novice, to make soft things hard.

“It’s how I got here,” she told reporters.

On the GOP side, we see elections done the right way—full-on kamikaze! Choose a pyro and give him matches.

The GOP nominee for North Carolina governor, a Family Matters dad-lookin’ fat black guy named Mark Robinson, is a Holocaust-denying Hitler-quoting lunatic who calls Jews “satanic” and accuses them of milking black people for “shekels.”

Since 1994, four of the past five N.C. governors have been Democrat; GOPs have only controlled the executive branch four out of thirty years.

So of course the GOP runs an insane idiot. And of course Trump endorsed him.

Last week, Robinson faced a new hurdle in his reich-race: Turns out “Reggie VelJohnson” liked slapping his Johnson at porn shops. Employees of local porn emporiums said Robinson would even pay extra for “hardcore” material for self-pleasuring.

GOP, meet FAP.

Poor bastard; if only he’d crossed paths with Kamala Harris, he wouldn’t have had to heil his own bratwurst.

YELLOW RIVER…OF DEATH!
In China, the most common mode of suicide is drowning. The Yangtze is such a hub of corpses, there’s an actual profession—“body fishing”—in which entrepreneurial Chins pull out bodies and sell them to relatives for proper burial.

Each body can bring in 6,000 yuan ($895).

Whereas Indians float dead bodies down the Ganges, making zero profit, Chinese jump live into the Yangtze to fund an entire industry. That’s why Chins are the ones who build computers, while Indians can do nothing but lie about security breaches.

Grand Prairie, Texas, is half Hispanic, half white and black. Asians don’t make much of a splash there, but boy, do they make others splash! Last week an overweight Asian named Elizabeth Wolf was drunk poolside at her apartment complex when she became angered by the playful sounds of two small children, ages 6 and 3. Upon seeing that the children’s mom was Muslim, Wolf demanded that she “go back to her own country.”

Talk about the pot calling the kettle yellow.

When the mom balked, chunk-king cannonballed into the pool and attempted to drown both kids. Fortunately, bolstered by her faith, the mom was able to fight off the Great Walrus of China, because in a fight between the righteous and the boozy, Mohammed always beats mo’hammered.

Last week Wolf, 42, was charged with “attempted capital murder of persons under 10.”

Her mug shot looks like a bad Bowen Yang SNL character (not that there are any good ones). Indeed, the self-described “mixed-race Asian/white” (who seems to have inherited the fat ass of a redneck housewife and the Uyghur genocide of a Beijing commissar) has a visage that could be put to good use in recovery groups for MAGA incels who can’t shake their Asian fetish.

As for the mom, who’s Palestinian, she’s just glad that her kids are alive so they can grow up to be suicide bombers. “Losing them now would be like premature detonation,” she told the AP. “I only hope almost being killed by an Asian doesn’t lessen their hatred of Jews.”

HBCU IN HELL
The fall college season is not starting off with a bang, because there are fewer blacks to shoot up campuses. According to The New York Times, due to the recent SCOTUS decision to end affirmative action in academia, black college enrollment has fallen harder than LaQueda in a McDonald’s brawl.

Across America, black enrollment is down, while white and Asian enrollment is up. At MIT, black enrollment fell by 10 percent, crippling the engineering school’s most vital projects (including bulletproof weaves, hovercraft Nikes that prevent drowning in an inch-deep puddle, and the Tressla, a car that runs on Jheri-juice).

Meanwhile, the percentage of Hispanic students rose at Tufts and UVA. But experts caution that those “new Hispanic students” might just be gardeners hired to leaf-blow the weave fragments and bullet casings left behind by the blacks.

Of course, black students always have HBCUs to fall back on. Or perhaps that should be “fail” back on. Shaw University in Raleigh (back when Mark Robinson attended it was known as Nuremberg Raleigh) is the oldest HBCU in the South (this is not to be confused with Robert Shaw University, which is comprised entirely of fishermen who claim to be from New England but speak like a Scottish pirate).

Last week there was a minor controversy when browsers Chrome, Edge, Firefox, and Opera blocked visits to Shaw URLs because of suspected malware.

Now, that’s just unfair; cybercrime is literally the only crime blacks don’t do (how can you write malicious code when you can’t write?). Shaw gets its URLs blocked while Delhi Tech operates freely.

The world’s an unfair place.

BTW, Shaw has a graduation rate of 18 percent (the national average is 61.4 percent).

If anyone’s running phishing scams via its website, it’s likely U.S. Army recruiters collecting names of people who’ll have no other options in life.

SCOOBY DEI AND THE CASE OF THE GHASTLY GALLEON
From HBCU to HB-SEA-U.

In 2019, the wreckage of the Clotilda, “the last ship to transport enslaved Africans to the United States,” was discovered off the Alabama Gulf Coast by divers searching for bodies of blacks who drowned while swimming off the Alabama Gulf Coast.

Came from the sea, returned to the sea. Life comes full circle.

Since the discovery, the State of Alabama and the Alabama Historical Commission have been looking for ways to raise the ruins, because—and this is not a gag—they consider the ship a “crime scene.” In 1860 “the Confederate ship, captained by William Foster, traveled to West Africa and illegally smuggled 110 Africans back to Alabama. Foster then attempted to burn and sink the ship to hide the crime,” James Delgado, lead archaeologist on the expedition, told the AP. “The Clotilda is the scene of the crime, so everything we did was in a crime scene investigation manner.”

Last week Delgado’s team admitted that they won’t be able to raise the wreckage because it’s too delicate and might crumble if disturbed. He told the CSI team to stand down. “Sorry, boys, we’re not gonna be able to get prints or DNA. But as we’re looking for a suspect who’s over 160 years old, just arrest every white man in the Gulf with a long white beard.”

Billy Gibbons is being held without bail.

Although the divers couldn’t raise the ship, they did discover an air pocket in which a descendant of the slaves was still living. Upon surfacing, she told the AP, “You’ve never known cold fries until you’ve had ’em on the ocean floor.”

To celebrate her return to society, Delgado took the survivor to McDonald’s. After receiving her order, she barked, “Naw, these are even colder,” and killed the cashier with a broadsword.

Unable to move the ship, Alabama is thinking of building a memorial at sea over the remains so that slavery descendants can pay their respects.

Are they trying to get black people killed?