Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Drooling, Tooling, and Back-to-Schooling Headlines

KAMI-KAMI-KAMI-KAMIKAZE CHAMELEON
In the Philippines, September 3rd is known as Yamashita Surrender Day, marking the moment the war formally ended in that nation in 1945 with the capitulation of Japanese General Tomoyuki Yamashita.

Following the establishment of Yamashita Surrender Day, the disgraced ex-general received several other eponymous commemorations, including one honoring his cat (Yamashita Purr-Splendor Day), one advertising his cowboy costume rental business (Yamashita Spur-Lender Day), one celebrating the guitar he gave his wife (Yamashita Her-Fender Day), and one praising his medical assistance to injured dogs (Yamashita Cur-Mender Day).

Just kidding! He was hanged (Yamashita Your-Ender Day) for crimes against humanity, none of which were as horrific as the preceding puns.

To commemorate the end of WWII, last week Japan’s largest newspaper, The Mainichi (not to be confused with its rival, The Mainscratchy), demanded that Japan give asylum to Third World “refugees.” The paper was enraged by the fact that the Jap government recently tightened its asylum regulations; last year it allowed in only 202 wretches (a figure Biden manages every half minute).

“This shall not do,” The Mainichi screamed! Japan has a duty to be like its WWII partner-in-defeat Germany—awash with Africans! Afghans! Turks! And those odd creatures with face tattoos, bones through their septum, and genitals removed via tribal ceremony (wait, those aren’t refugees, just typical teen TikTokers).

Mainichi can’t understand why there’s such resistance to importing the world’s detritus. For some odd reason, the Japanese elderly enjoy not being mugged and beaten while walking to the grocery store, and Japanese parents live quite happily without migrant rape-gangs grooming their girls. Even reports about the Nipponese population-decline “baby doom” can’t mobilize Japan, a sushi-based nation, to import those who murder over cold food.

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but this former nation of kamikazes has emerged as the least suicidal civilized country on earth. Indeed, under the new regs, filths from the anus mundi can be sent home even if they have pending asylum applications.

Happy Yamashita Manure-to-Sender Day.

THE HITMAN’S BOOTYGUARD
And now, from the nation that allows all refugees unless they’re white South Africans, a crime noir plays out in Miami-Dade.

A tall stranger—fedora, shoulder holster, cigarette—enters the warehouse.

A woman sits at a table. The stranger cracks a smile.

“At least the dame ain’t late. That’s rare in my business.”

He sits…his face, and hers, shadowed as twilight sets in.

“So, you have garbage that needs…disposing,” he intones.

“Whut? No mang,” the woman replies, “I no need no garbage disposal. You gots to kill somebody.”

“Look, lady, I was just trying to be discreet.”

“Who dis creet? I don’t know no creet. You just gotta kill somebody.”

The man draws a heavy breath. “Okay, who needs to disappear?”

The woman passes him a photo.

“Um…this looks like a toddler.”

“He my 3-year-old. My boyfriend wanna tap my booty, but he don’t want no kid. So you gotta shoot da kid.”

“You want me to kill a child? Like, for real?”

“Djeah, mang. You nail dat little puta. Here’s $3,000. I strip for two muntz for dis.”

“Wait, that’s real money…this is a gag, right? You emailed a satire site where people dress like hit men for parties. You want me to really kill someone?”

“Djeah, and djou make it painful; I hate dat little pinche pendejo. He tricky; he be all cryin’ like ‘I want my mamma,’ but he just care ’bout his’self. He no care dat my booty need tappin’.

The preceding is not based on a true story; it is a true story. 18-year-old Jazmin Paez tried to hire a hit man to kill her own 3-year-old son, because her boyfriend Gamaliel Soza (also 18) said he wouldn’t “tap her booty” unless she got rid of the child. So Paez and Soza contacted RentAHitman.com, a site clearly understood as satire by anyone of normal intelligence. But sadly, when Paez sailed from Cuba, she sat upside down in the raft with her head below water the entire trip.

Rain Mang and I Am Samba were arraigned on a variety of charges.

DISCLAIMER: No booties were tapped in the making of this story.

ABBOTT AND HOLOCAUSTELLO
The Greg Abbott/Ron DeSantis strategy of busing illegals to blue “sanctuary cities” has been a successful counter-op against open-border leftists. The once-great city of New York—formerly symbolized by a big apple but now represented by a turd emoji—is in chaos from the flood of “migrants.” DeSantis scored points by sending brown border-jumpers to fancy-pants white liberal enclaves like Martha’s Vineyard, where they were as welcome as an illegitimate Biden granddaughter at the White House.

But last week Governor Abbott started sending illegals to L.A. Four hundred and thirty-five Hispanic rio swimmers. And that lays bare the flaw in an otherwise sound tactic. Sending 435 beans to L.A.—a city that’s 48 percent Hispanic—isn’t a punishment. It’s as if Abbott poured a glass of water into the ocean and said, “Take THAT, Pacific; I’ve flooded you!”

In a city run on cheap Hispanic labor, adding 435 new drywall-installers and leaf-blowers was a futile gesture. Hollywood actors, on strike and therefore more cost-conscious than usual, were lining up at the Greyhound depot to find gardeners who’d work for a Slim Jim and a Walmart dollar-bin DVD of Blue Beetle.

Abbott can’t or won’t acknowledge the racial aspect of the “unwelcome wagon” strategy. Yes, send Mexicans, Guatemalans, and Hondurans to the Hamptons. But L.A.? You wanna cause chaos, take a busload of Haitian illegals and drop ’em off in East L.A.

You know, the place where blacks get firebombed from their homes.

But that’s a ramp too far for Abbott; it would be literal genocide. It’s all fun and games sparring over border patrol agents with fake whips, but East L.A.’s Mexicans would make the Haitians wish for whips. The “refugees” would vanish within a week. Meanwhile, L.A.’s gardeners would receive kudos from their upscale clients for their new “organic” compost.

“Oy, Manolo, my lahwn’s nevah looked bettah! What kind of foytelizer are you using?”

“It’s a secret recipe, Señora Streisand. From Texas, but with Caribbean roots.”

“Well, keep it up! It woiks like magic!”

“Or voodoo.” [Winks at camera]

A-D-HELL
“#BanTheADL”? More like “StanTheADL.”

CrossFit is a workout that tones, slims, and improves your health. Quite different from the conservative fitness craze CrossPurposes, which dulls, bloats, and debilitates.

Last week Elon Musk declared war on the ADL. The Anti-Defamation League is all about censorship, and back when the “esteemed” org only claimed to censor “Nazis,” mainstream conservatives were down with it. But now that the League of Extraordinary Gentlemensch has expanded its mandate to include banning criticism of trannies, rightists have soured on the “Ess Ess” (sorry; Yiddish joke).

Problem is, as Musk (a.k.a. Baron von Puckerlips) threatened to sue the ADL for defamation for claiming that Twitter is a hotbed of “hate,” his pro-censorship CEO, Linda Yaketysaxerino (she bans accounts in fast motion like Benny Hill), was meeting with the ADL to assist in speech suppression.

And yes, the Elon Musk threatening to sue the ADL for defamation is the same Elon Musk who called a heroic cave diver a “pedo” out of pure childish spite, and when the diver sued him for defamation, Musk was like, “Defamation suits are silly! If words hurt you, buck up and take it!”

Meanwhile, Nick Fuentes, a literal Nazi, made #BanTheADL trend on Twitter for five days straight, which the ADL used for massive fundraising, thus becoming even stronger. And semi-sentient Madame Tussauds melted wax figure Laura Loomer, who claims to be MAGA but, based on her beak, looks more like MAGPIE, went viral by posting video of a pathetic collection of skinheads sieg-heiling in Orlando, as she claimed that “Nazis are taking over Florida,” an insane assertion intended to hurt DeSantis.

As a result of Loomer’s efforts, the ADL fundraised even more and became stronger still.

Occasionally, a story pops up where the best response is, “I hope everyone involved dies quickly and painfully because they’re all idiots.”

This is such a story.

TWO SPRITZ-IT
Last week in North America’s cold useless appendage (Canada), the Trudeau government issued a travel advisory to its citizens looking to visit the U.S.: “2SLGBTQI+ people are at risk!”

And who or what are “2SLGBTQI+ people”? Folks with strong Gmail passwords? Czechs who’ve gone overboard on the “no vowels” thing?

No! 2SLGBTQI+ means “Two-Spirit-Lesbian-Gay-Bi-Trans-Questioning-Intersex-plus.”

Totally self-explanatory.

“Two-Spirit” is how Canadians refer to nonbinary indigenous Injuns. Like the Tutchone who prefer to touchtwo, the Tlingit who love Tlingus, the Oneida who are Twoneida, the Assiniboine who put bone-ini-ass, and the Mi’kmaq who are into dick, mack.

And these freaks are hardly at risk in the U.S.

In fact, U.S. tolerance for “alternative lifestyles” is so extreme, last week USA Today revealed that a “clown fetish” professor at a Louisiana university had for years been allowed to coerce female students into wearing clown makeup so he could pleasure himself while gawking at them. Even after dozens of women claimed they’d been traumatized by the prof, the university refused to discipline PTSD Barnum.

Because if “human rights” means anything, it means protecting the right of circus-fetish college professors to spritz their little men out of a cannon in the face of female students who’ve been forced to dress like Emmett Kelly.

If the U.S. can give amnesty to “Spend-a-pennywise the Clown,” there’s certainly no risk here for Inuits who’ve come Out-uits.