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The Week’s Most Mayan, Achaian, and In-Like-a-Lion Headlines

BOSTON MAR-ATHON
If a foreigner from some remote part of the world, with no knowledge of the U.S., were to watch American TV and online commercials, he’d think the nation is 90 percent black (and any whites are married to blacks).

On the other hand, if that person were to only watch movies, they’d likely think that 90 percent of the U.S. is Boston, owing to Hollywood’s fetish for using Boston as a setting, coupled with the fact that every sonofabitch from Boston can never shut the hell up about being from Boston.

Bostonians are like vegans and black women: If there’s one in a room, no matter how crowded, you’ll hear it.

But last week was a bad one for two of Hollywood’s favorite Beantowners. First, Mark Wahlberg was bashed for giving a SAG Award to the cast of Everything Everywhere All at Once. See, the cast is Asian, and as a drug-addicted teen, Wahlberg beat two middle-aged Asian men nearly to death (costing one of the men an eye) while calling them “Vietnamese fucking shit” and “slant-eyed gooks.”

It’s this gift for verbal facility that led to Wahlberg becoming a rapper, and though his rap career was derided as being yet another example of cultural appropriation, it must be said that it was Wahlberg who was the innovator and blacks the imitator when it came to coldcocking Asians on the street.

Regarding the SAG controversy, Wahlberg stressed that he’s long apologized for his violent actions as a youth, but “none o’ them slant-eyed gooks evah apologized for what they put in my Coke.”

Meanwhile, Ben Affleck, the human equivalent of a tofu cube in a bowl of miso (flavorful only because of what surrounds it), was slammed by his hometown paper The Boston Globe for a years-old story in which he tried to hide the fact that one of his ancestors was a slave master.

In response, Affleck stated that he had no problem owning up to his ancestor’s slave-owning. The humiliation, he somberly noted, came from the fact that the slaves found great-great-great-grandpa Affleck dull and talentless as a slaver.

Most slaves in the area preferred the nearby Damon Plantation. “Now, dat guy’s a good slaver,” one field worker said in 1845. “Massa Affleck…well, I just don’ see de appeal. He bland as hell.”

THE ELEPHANT MA’AM
In April 2020, when Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot was caught going to a beauty parlor after shuttering all beauty parlors in the name of Covid, she responded by declaring that it was her job to “look good for the city.”

At which point the entire nation replied in unison, “Wait, this is you ‘looking good’? What the hell do you look like bad?”

A sunken-eyed ghoul, a genetic cross between the main guy in Eraserhead and the mutant baby, Lightfoot had a tenure that was dogged by Covid hypocrisy, school closures, and skyrocketing crime. As the city’s first black female gay mayor, Lightfoot had hoped to ride identity to a second term. Unfortunately, in last week’s primary she was hit from both sides by a white law-and-order candidate and a black far-left Teachers Union thug.

Lightfoot finished third, thus ending her career after one term, the first Chicago one-term mayor in four decades. To be fair, many people ascribe her poor showing to the fact that she was hampered in the televised debates because viewers dared not look directly at her face lest they turn to stone.

So now Chicago will choose between a guy who says “all residents deserve police protection from rapists and murderers” and a guy whose platform is “staple Covid masks to the faces of babies, keep schools closed until 2040, and Zoom classes must only teach about slavery.”

In the primary, the white dude got the largest percentage of the vote. But in the general, it’s expected that CRT McGhee will inherit all of Lightfoot’s supporters.

If it’s any consolation to Lightfoot, her ruthless campaign against Mexico-born Rep. Jesus “Chuy” Garcia, once seen as a front-runner due to the city’s expanding Hispanic population, worked. “Chuy” went kablooey, coming in fourth. During the campaign Lightfoot was accused of racism for telling black voters that if they went for a Mexican, they’d be race traitors. She ran ads painting Garcia in negative, stereotypical terms.

Following his loss, Garcia told the AP, “¡Ay yi yi, no es bueno,” adding, “You need drywall, señor? I do drywall,” before dancing around a sombrero.

PENCIL AND ERASEWAR
In Alfred Hitchcock Presents’ “The Night the World Ended,” a cruel newspaperman shows a low-IQ friend a fake headline about an upcoming apocalypse. So the gullible idiot goes on a self-destructive crime spree.

Which is a long way of saying, if you’re gonna self-immolate, don’t do it because of a Rasmussen poll.

Rasmussen is arguably the most inaccurate polling service around.

Rasmussen predicted that McCain and Romney would beat Obama. In 2020, Scott Rasmussen called on Mike Pence to overturn the election results because they didn’t conform to Rasmussen polling.

Last week, Dilbert dilweed Scott Adams torpedoed his career because of a Rasmussen poll that asked black Americans if they agree with the statement “it’s okay to be white.” Twenty-six percent of blacks disagreed. So Adams took to social media claiming that, because of the poll, white people must “get the hell away from blacks.” Stop associating with them! “Black America,” Adams declared, “is a hate group.”

Problem is, as Slate pointed out, the actual raw number of black respondents who answered “it’s not okay to be white” was…34.

34.

There are indeed many reasons to be wary of black neighborhoods. Adams chose the dumbest one: “Thirty-four blacks nationwide said something objectionable.”

And now, Adams has lost his syndicator, his publisher, and newspapers large and small.

This isn’t the first racist scandal in the Sunday funnies; there was the time Little Orphan Annie falsely accused Punjab of rape, the unfortunate incident when Marmaduke was sicced on the Freedom Riders, and the less said about when Jeremy the blond kid from Zits encountered a black child at a Primm, Nevada, casino, the better.

As angry black cartoonist Keith Knight argues that Dilbert must be replaced with a black strip instead of a cat strip, and cat strip cartoonist Georgia Dunn argues that only a cat strip should replace it, it looks like the funnies fun’s just starting.

HARRIET GRUBMAN
Black History Month may be over, but blacks continue to make history, daily.

Last week, Belinda Miller wanted biscuits.

She really wanted biscuits.

So the Augusta, Georgia, native went to a Popeyes drive-through for a chicken meal.

Tragically, when she checked the box, it was bereft of biscuits.

She did what any irate customer would do: She demanded biscuits. And the manager gave them to her.

But Miller wasn’t satisfied. Those biscuits should’ve been there without her having to ask. So she pulled into the parking lot, turned to face the front of the restaurant, and plowed her SUV straight into the store, through one wall and out the other, hitting an 18-year-old girl in the process.

No biscuits and slavey for Miller; she made her own underground railroad to lead all them biscuits to freedom.

Miller’s act is being hailed by black fast-foodies across the nation. Indeed, Stacey Abrams lobbied Joe Biden to declare the road Miller paved a new interstate highway:

Route 1619.

It even has its own theme song, à la Route 66:

Well if you ever plan to get some fries,
If they ain’t as hot as lava, someone dies.
Vent your spleen, on Route 1619.

If you don’t get the biscuits that you should,
Black lives matter, but biscuit batter makes life good.
Crush a teen, on Route 1619.

Well it goes through Chicago,
Down to Mar-a-Lago,
Where Trump serves the ladies,
Fries hot as Hades.

Next time a drive-through lets you down,
Share the pain, make your own lane outta town.
Be a queen, on Route 1619.

HO WEAVIL
And in a final Black History Month postmortem, the web series 60-Second Docs—14,000,000 views on YouTube—closed out the celebrations by profiling a young black woman who is “disrupting a centuries-old standard.”

Technically, that could be many black women:

LaQueenia: “I disapprove of the dinner you’ve served. Therefore, I shall shoot you.”

Waiter: “Madam, you are disrupting a centuries-old standard in customer/server relations.”

But this particular “disruptor,” Chanel Rhodes, is doing something that might be even more insane than executing cashiers over cold fries. Rhodes has embarked on a quest—and here’s where a disclaimer is needed that this is 100 percent for real—to create “Afrocentric ponies” by making weaves for horses that give them black-girl hairstyles.

Yes, Rhodes manufactures wigs and weaves for horses that give them afros, fades, cornrows, dreadlocks, Jheri curls, and Bantu knots.

It’s probably good to repeat the disclaimer that this is not a joke.

Rhodes makes clear that she would never ride a horse. “I’ma be honest with you, I feel like riding horses is a redneck sport,” she says in the video. “Not seeing someone that looks like you doing the act you want to do can be a little discouraging.”

So her goal is to make horses look like black women. That way blacks will ride more horses…because the horses look like them.

A third repeat of the disclaimer may be necessary: This is for real.

And what better way to end Black History Month 2023 than with a story where no embellishment was needed? The reality itself was funny enough.

Hopefully, some dumb mick can provide similarly effortless humor for St. Paddy’s Day.