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The Week’s Muddiest, Cruddiest, and Bloodiest Headlines

HILLARY CLINTON: STILL FALLING, STILL CAN’T GET UP
As everyone who isn’t an incorrigible, woman-hating, minority-lynching bigot knows, Hillary Clinton was the most qualified candidate ever to run for office, and the only reason she didn’t win, as she recently told a crowd in India, is because tens of millions of Americans “didn’t like black people getting rights” or women getting jobs.

Right before the election, a bunch of hate-filled conspiracy theorists started spreading false rumors that she wasn’t in the pink of health. Sure, on September 11, 2016—a day in which the temperature in NYC soared all the way into the low 80s, she collapsed in front of her limo, but that’s because she was overheated and dehydrated from her dogged and empowering campaign schedule. And earlier while she was campaigning, some racists said she appeared to have a seizure, but anyone who’s watched that tape knows she was just horsing around.

And, yes, if you want to nitpick, it’s true that she stumbled while boarding a plane in 2011, but this happens to everyone. And if you’re a dedicated misogynist, you’ll also point out that she fell inside her DC home in 2013 on the eve of the Benghazi hearings, suffering a mild concussion. And she had another pratfall in 2016 while boarding a plane in North Carolina. And last year she appeared on The Graham Norton Show in London wearing a surgical boot after tripping on stairs in her hotel.

And last week she fell twice while visiting some 13th-century landmark in India. Then a couple days later she slipped in her bathtub and suffered a fractured wrist.

But as we are well aware, the only reason anyone would mention this is because they hate to see women getting good jobs and they can’t stand to see black people getting rights. It’s not like she’s the living embodiment of those old “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” TV commercials.

THE TRADITIONALIST WORKER PARTY’S UNTRADITIONAL DEMISE
Based in Indiana, the Traditionalist Worker Party was led by what is known in Alt-Right circles as the “Two Matts”—Matthew Heimbach and Matt Parrott. The group was unapologetically national socialist in orientation and thus represented a rare case where it isn’t hyperbolic to call them “Nazis.” They were staunchly Christian, unabashedly anti-Semitic, and outspokenly against all forms of “degeneracy.” Heimbach reportedly once said that he opposed divorce because it hurt families. They also developed a reputation as one of the best-organized white nationalist street-fighting units, having cleaned Antifa’s clock in Sacramento while vastly outnumbered in the summer of 2016.

Heimbach had been scheduled to speak at the disastrous Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville on August 12, 2017. After the rally was canceled, he and Parrott told reporters that the City of Charlottesville purposely caused the violence by telling police to stand down and sending rally-goers right into Antifa’s maws. In this clip, Parrott gets so worked-up, he knocks himself on his own ass.

As of last week, the Traditionalist Worker Party is no more.

Heimbach and Parrott lived in separate buildings on the same plot of land that Parrott owned in Paoli, Indiana. Heimbach, 26, was married to Parrott’s stepdaughter from a previous marriage and lived in a trailer on the property.

According to a police report, last week Matt Parrott and Heimbach’s wife became aware that Heimbach and Parrott’s wife had recently ended a three-month affair. The two wives allegedly hatched a plot whereby Jessica Parrott would attempt to seduce Heimbach again while Brooke Heimbach (Parrott’s stepdaughter, please keep up) and Matt Parrott filmed from outside the trailer. Apparently the seduction was successful, but Heimbach’s wife became so upset while filming the illicit tryst that she ran away. Parrott remained watching, but because he, like Matthew Heimbach, is grossly obese, the wooden box upon which he was standing collapsed.

Parrott then claims he ran into the trailer to confront Heimbach and demand he leave the property. He claims he poked Heimbach in the chest, whereupon Heimbach allegedly twisted his wrist and choked him into unconsciousness. (He also says his own wife assaulted him at some point during the debacle.) Parrott then returned to his own house, only to be chased by Heimbach. He says he threw a chair at Heimbach, which did not deter him, because Heimbach allegedly choked him unconscious again. Upon regaining consciousness, Parrott says he grabbed his four-month-old daughter and made a hasty retreat for the nearby Walmart, where he called the police.

When police arrived at Heimbach’s trailer, this allegedly led to an altercation between Heimbach and his wife in which he grabbed her face and pushed her down on a bed in front of their children while she filmed the incident. Heimbach was arrested and charged with four offenses: strangulation, intimidation, battery, and domestic battery committed in the presence of a child. Since he is already on probation for shoving a black woman at a 2016 Trump rally, he is possibly headed for years in prison.

Parrott erased the entire membership list and database for the Traditionalist Worker Party and declared the party dead. He personally contacted the Southern Poverty Law Center to tell them that they “won,” as if they had anything to do with the fateful incident. He also contacted the Daily Beast to describe it all as a “white trash circus,” which is surprising seeing as Parrott postured as a defender of poor and working-class whites against defamation and abuse.

But since the party’s database included information that had been subpoenaed by lawyers regarding the events in Charlottesville, Parrott faces possible felony charges for destroying evidence.

It all sounds highly untraditional.