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The Week’s Dippiest, Drippiest, and Yippiest Headlines

ANTIFA V. BLACKS
Antifa (pronounced “an-TEE-fa”) is a group of psychopathically self-righteous masked pussies who live with their parents and refer to all non-members as “fascists,” whereupon they proceed to club the accused Nazis’ skulls with nail-studded baseball bats to atone for perceived historical sins. They are at least partially financed by George Soros’s Open Society Institute yet remain blissfully unaware that they are the cowardly pawns of global power rather than its brave opponents.

Because intersectional pissing matches between the patchwork of deranged identity groups that form the modern left is one of the only forms of comedy remaining in this increasingly dramatic and even tragic world, we glean tremendous mirth from the fact that Antifa’s almost entirely white ranks are turning against black people who don’t submit to their every psychotic whim.

On August 19 in Dallas, throngs of historically illiterate cretins gathered together to work out their lifelong resentment against their parents by hootin’ and howlin’ in the streets about how all monuments to the Confederacy need to be SMASHED and CRUSHED.

In an amusing incident that recalls the severe dressing-down a black guy gave to a white Antifa geek in Auburn, AL earlier this year, an alleged Crip wearing a giant cowboy hat squared off with a fat white masked Antifa member, telling the group of neo-commie white-savior misfits to get the hell out of his town. In response, the masked chubster sucker-punched the black guy in the face. For some unknown reason, the American mainstream media was silent about this horrifying hate crime that was captured on video.

The next night, a young black Trump supporter named R. C. Maxwell was sucker-punched by an overweight, unmasked antifascist loser during an anti-illegal-immigration rally in Laguna Beach, CA. The alleged assailant, 20-year-old Richard Losey of Ohio, was arrested last Tuesday on suspicion of misdemeanor battery.

R. C. Maxwell wrote the following in a blog post:

I showed up in Orange County and got punched in the face by ANTIFA. My name is RC Maxwell and I am a victim of leftist violence. The media won’t show me because it will detract from their narrative….I knew that leftist groups were inspired to ramp up their violent attacks against Trump supporters after the mess that was Unite The Right in Charlottesville. What I didn’t expect was that I would become Antifa’s target so quickly….I took a punch for Trump in Laguna Beach. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to expose to the nation how violent leftist agitators are.

In order to fight “Nazis,” apparently you have to punch a few black people.

GOOD NIGHT, LEFT NUT
The funniest Benny Hill-styled slapstick of the week came last Tuesday night in Phoenix when riot police fired a tear-gas canister square into a gas-mask-wearing chubby Antifa protestor’s groin, sending him to the ground in pain. People online originally thought that 29-year-old Joshua Stuart Corbin, a worker for web giant GoDaddy, had been hit with a pepper ball, leading to several memes referring to Corbin as “Pepper Balls” and a parody of an Antifa slogan titled “GOOD NIGHT LEFT NUT.”

From a hospital bed with his face covered, Corbin made a video addressing his “brothers and sisters” in Antifa about how he was fighting “Nazis,” who in this case were supposedly the Phoenix police. His tone was much less defiant when he told a reporter, “I was out there just mindin’ my own business” and that he had a right to peaceably assemble and protest the Nazis he’s always hallucinating in his fever dreams.

However, Phoenix police arrested him and charged him with three felony counts of assault against a police officer and one misdemeanor count of unlawful assembly. A police report claims that surveillance footage shows Corbin threw two gas canisters at police and kicked another two canisters toward them.

Good luck in court, Pepper Balls!

MAN STABBED FOR “NEO-NAZI HAIRCUT”
In case you needed more evidence that the country has gone completely Nazi Crazy, a Colorado man was stabbed by a man who thought he had a Nazi haircut. According to Joshua Witt, he was getting out of his car in a Steak ’n Shake parking lot when a man ran up to him, said, “Are you one of them neo-Nazis?,” and began swinging a knife at him. Witt deflected the knife with his hand, suffering a slash wound that required stitches. “Apparently, my haircut is considered a neo-Nazi statement,” Witt told the New York Post. Witt says he is not a Nazi and is considering a new hairdo.