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The Week’s Most Jarring, Scarring, and Alarming Headlines

DO BLACK LIVES MATTER IF THE GUY’S NOT REALLY BLACK?
A mere two months after Rachel Dolezal smeared the NAACP’s mighty and incorruptible name by pretending to be a colored person, the righteous and holy Black Lives Matter movement has possibly been eternally besmirched by a white guy pretending to be a mulatto.

At press time, it is unknown whether Shaun King‘s middle name is Luther. But any person who’s not completely insane would agree that he looks more like Fearless Fly than he resembles a strong and proud black man from the inner city who don’t take no mess from the goddamned cops.

Last week King’s painfully pale face was all over social media after Breitbart ran an article alleging that the father named on King’s birth certificate is a white Kentuckian and that King is listed as white on a police report regarding a 1995 altercation with another student. Although King had later described the incident as a mob attack by steel-toed “rednecks” that forced him to undergo repeated back surgeries, the police report said it was instead a trifling scrap with one other individual and that King walked away with only “minor” injuries.

In a post on the Daily Kos website, King responded to the allegation that he was a white man living as an Artificial Negro by implying that his mom was a bit of a cheating mudshark:

I refuse to speak in detail about the nature of my mother’s past, or her sexual partners, and I am gravely embarrassed to even be saying this now, but I have been told for most of my life that the white man on my birth certificate is not my biological father and that my actual biological father is a light-skinned black man. My mother and I have discussed her affair. She was a young woman in a bad relationship and I have no judgment.

At press time, Al Jolson could not be reached for comment.

You see, it doesn’t really matter whether or not King is “actually” black, because race is nothing more than an imaginary social construct. Then again, if race doesn’t really exist, then neither do black people, in which case the Black Lives Matter movement doesn’t really exist, either. Glad we could clear that up.

As King once stated on Twitter, “Haters gonna hate.” Well, yes”€”one would assume that’s why they’re called “haters.”

ARE THE SWEDES GOIN’ NAZI?
Described as “‘Nazi-inspired’ anti-immigration group,” the Sweden Democrats have been named in a new poll as the Scandinavian nation’s most popular political party. A spokesman described the Social Democrats’ appeal:

There’s too much immigration and too many beggars from Eastern Europe. People are starting to realize that this is a serious problem for Sweden.

Per capita, Sweden is taking in more refugees than any other country in the European Union. If this bold and blonde nation were to get a handle on its immigration problem, that would free up time, energy, and resources that would enable it to properly deal with Sweden’s most pressing problem”€”all the indigenous batshit feminists.

TRUMP BLAMED FOR ATTACK ON HOMELESS MEXICAN
Last week a pair of Boston brothers allegedly beat a homeless Mexican man with a metal pole and urinated on his face while calling him an “illegal immigrant” and taunting him that “Donald Trump was right.” Trump referred to the alleged hate crime as “terrible.”

One of the brothers had already spent a year in prison for an incident that occurred only days after 9/11 in which he threw a cup of coffee at a Moroccan man at a Dunkin’ Donuts.

Despite this most recent scandal and a slew of prior ones that all seem tailored to destroy Trump’s candidacy, The Donald remains firmly ahead of the GOP pack. He even leads nationwide among women, despite having called some of them “fat pigs.” He leads Texas Senator Ted Cruz in Texas. He leads ordained minister Mike Huckabee among evangelicals. He leads stained turdlet Jeb Bush among moderates.

Citing an incident in which Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley apologized for saying that “All lives matter,” Trump called O’Malley “a little baby…a disgusting, little, weak, pathetic baby.” And this is why he’s leading”€”because no other candidate talks that way.

ANOTHER RELENTLESSLY GAY HATE-CRIME HOAX?
In June a Baltimore lesbian and serial mom named Julie Baker claimed she found a note by a self-described female Christian neighbor saying that her rainbow-themed yard was “relentlessly gay” and that she needed to dial down the homo stuff a notch.

In response, Baker told the world of her savage victimization at the same time she launched a GoFundMe campaign seeking to raise $5,000 to decorate her house in an even more relentlessly gay manner just rub her homo-hating neighbor’s nose in steeper piles of gayness. She raised a whopping $43,000 before people started pointing out inconsistencies in her story and the fact that both Baker and her alleged antagonist had an odd habit of inappropriately capitalizing the first letter of words.

Baker is now reportedly returning all the money to her donors because instead of being relentlessly gay, her little sob story was likely “fabulously fraudulent.”