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The Week’s Most Convoluted, Persecuted, and Prostituted Headlines

OUT, DAMN”€™D RACIST SPOT!
Amid the national moral panic that’s been engineered and whipped up subsequent to the recent Charleston church shooting, dunderheaded moral crusaders everywhere are buzzing around like brainwashed worker bees attempting to permanently erase what they feel is the innately sinful and malodorous stain of white history.

Next symbol targeted for elimination: the Stars and Bars.

The mere fact that alleged shooter Dylann Roof was photographed sullenly holding a Rebel flag is being used as a blanket excuse to permanently take the flag out of circulation. As we all know, even seeing that flag causes tremendous pain for black people and therefore constitutes a hate crime. That evil, sinful, hateful, horrible, terrifying, unacceptably problematic flag also hypnotizes lone wolves with bowl haircuts to go on murder sprees at black churches.

Despite what its supporters may lie to your face about, the Confederate flag only represents one thing: intolerance. Therefore, it must not be tolerated.

South Carolina’s governor Nikki Haley called for the flag’s removal from outside the State House in Columbia last week. Last Saturday morning, a black female “activist” named Bree Newsome took the job upon herself to actively scale a 30-foot flagpole and snatch the Confederate flag from outside the State House. She was arrested and of course became an instant social-media hero.

In Alabama on Wednesday, Governor Robert Bentley ordered the removal of four Confederate flags that had been flying at the State Capitol. State Sen. Vivian Figures, who is nominally black but appears to have at least a half-cup of cream in her coffee, applauded Bentley’s decision:

That flag is a message of hatred, bigotry, negativity, white supremacy, shackles, whips, segregation, church bombings, beatings, lynchings, and assassinations.

What about boiled peanuts? Cornbread? Sweet tea? Jerry Lee Lewis? Junior Johnson? Does it all have to be bad? Obviously it does.

On Saturday, a hundred or more protestors gathered outside the State Capitol hoisting Rebel flags and signs that said #SouthernLivesMatter. A pro-Confederate protester named Tim Steadman told a reporter:

Right now, this past week with everything that is going on, I feel very much like the Jews must have felt in the very beginning of the Nazi Germany takeover. I mean I do feel that way, like there is a concerted effort to wipe people like me out, to wipe out my heritage and to erase the truths of history.

Last Monday saw the beginning of a huge corporate purge of Confederate imagery from vendors such as Walmart, eBay, Amazon, Google Shopping, Sears/Kmart, and Apple.

eBay said in a statement:

We have decided to prohibit Confederate flags and many items containing this image because we believe it has become a contemporary symbol of divisiveness and racism.

But why should anyone stop there? Last week Memphis Mayor A. C. Wharton suggested disinterring and moving the corpses of General Nathan Bedford Forrest and his wife from a city park:

These relics, these messages of this despicable period of this great nation, it’s time for those to be moved. I despise what the Confederacy stood for.

Wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute there”€”isn’t “despise” a synonym for “hate”?

SUPREMELY GAY
Sodomites the world over erupted in one giant spermy rainbow-colored spurt of joy last Friday when a US Supreme Court ruling proclaimed that homosexuals had a constitutional right to get married and be as miserable as everyone else.

Ice-cream giant Ben & Jerry’s is celebrating the SCOTUS decision by dedicating an ice-cream flavor to gay marriage all summer.

In fact, and to our extreme irritation, the acronym “SCOTUS” (Supreme Court Of The United States) was repeatedly used during online celebrations. That’s easily the most repulsive acronym of all time. It sounds like some incurable skin disease affecting the scrotum. And now we have SCOTUS approving of scrotums touching scrotums.

As evidence that not everyone on Earth has come around to venerate the holy glories of same-sex soixante-neuf, a man in Sacramento has been arrested for allegedly stabbing three other men whom he accused of being “faggots for wearing tight jeans.”