Victor Voronov and Johnny Weir

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The Week’s Most Bodacious, Perspicacious, and Trepidatious Headlines

SORE WINNERS IN GLASGOW
By a margin of 55-45, Scottish voters elected on Thursday to remain in the United Kingdom. One possible explanation for the results is that elderly voters were afraid of losing welfare benefits should Scotland break free of the Crown.

Voters in Glasgow, Scotland’s largest city, tilted in favor of independence, which did not sit well with Union supporters, many of whom were thought to be associated with the Protestant Orange Order and the Scottish Defence League. Appearing to be “quite intoxicated,” they thronged Glasgow’s George Square on Friday while throwing flares, bottles, yanking Scottish flags from young blonde women, and making what newspapers referred to as “Nazi salutes.” They also reportedly sang “Rule Britannia” and “God Save the Queen” in addition to chanting “You can stick your independence up your a***.” At press time, it is unknown why the Daily Mail felt the need to censor the word “anus.”

A SATANIC COLORING BOOK FOR KIDS
The Tradition, Family, and Property Student Action Group claimed to have received over 215,000 advance signatures protesting a Satanic black mass that was performed in a small room at the Oklahoma City Civic Center on Sunday. Oklahoma City Archbishop Paul S. Coakley had warned that “this satanic ritual invokes powers of evil and invites them into our community.”

The group that performed the black mass calls itself Dakhma of Angra Mainyu. Bespectacled and ginger-bearded spokes-Satanist Adam Daniels told reporters before the event that his group worships a literal devil and that his mass will conclude with a reverse exorcism wherein they cast the Holy Spirit out of a willing participant. The group complied with the city’s parks and recreation department’s stipulation that “no bloodletting of any kind will be allowed”; they also agreed to “substitute vinegar for urine where needed in the ritual.”

A New York-based group called the Satanic Temple”€”which says it does not believe in a literal devil”€”announced back in the spring that it plans to erect a seven-foot Satanic statue outside the Oklahoma State Capitol. The Satanic Temple has also announced plans to distribute a coloring book called The Satanic Children’s Big Book of Activities in Florida schools due to the fact that an Orange County, FL court recently ruled it is legal to distribute religious literature in schools. The website Opposing Views describes the tome as “a coloring book that focuses on Satanic themes and human tolerance.” On one page, children are taught how to draw a pentagram by connecting the dots.

KENTUCKY CANDIDATE: “WITH JEWS WE LOSE”
Robert Ransdell is a write-in candidate for the US Senate from Kentucky who shocked, bewildered, outraged, disgusted, flabbergasted, and possibly titillated residents in the northern part of the state by planting an estimated 20 lawn signs with his campaign slogan, “WITH JEWS WE LOSE.” Ransdell told a Cincinnati TV station that “we’ve had a lot of positive feedback.” Ransdell reportedly announced his candidacy last month on the Stormfront website:

This campaign will attempt to expose as many White people as possible to the facts regarding the Jewish role in America’s decline as well as highlight the destructive effects that multiculturalism, diversity, and political correctness have had on this country.

“He’s a very bad person,” said Heidi Beirich of the Southern Poverty Law Center, whose body appears to be entirely made of donuts. “His views are virulently anti-Semitic and racist,” said the ADL’s Marilyn Mayo, whose body appears to be entirely made of testosterone.

A Democratic borough council candidate in New Jersey has dropped out of the race after it was revealed that seven years ago while drunk, he mooned a pair of women outside a diner window and allegedly called them “niggers” and “dykes.”

Jacob Dorsey, a 19-year-old Republican candidate for the Wisconsin state assembly, bowed out of his campaign after it was revealed that he called homosexuals “fags” on Twitter and claimed in a YouTube comment that “Niggers trash cars.”

Meanwhile…

Charles Barron, who served on the New York City Council from 2001-2013 and is now running for the State Assembly, hosted Robert Mugabe at City Hall back in 2002 and said he would love to have Mugabe visit the State Capitol. “I think he’s a shining example of an African leader on the African continent,”€ Barron told the New York Observer. Pooh-poohing Mugabe’s notoriously murderous and corrupt regime, Barron said, “Nobody’s perfect.” He added, “All my heroes were America’s enemies.

Mugabe has been quoted as saying, “The only white man you can trust is a dead white man” and “Our party must continue to strike fear in the heart of the white man, our real enemy!”

Whereas the three aforementioned pro-white candidates either stand no chance of winning or have been forced out of their races entirely, the unabashedly anti-white Charles Barron is expected to soundly win his election in November.