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The Week’s Geekiest, Freakiest, and Cheekiest Headlines

EBOLA COMES TO AMERICA!
The USA is a nation of immigrants, and this includes viruses capable of causing widespread death.

On Saturday, with a level of fanfare not quite approaching that of The Beatles when they landed on these shores in 1964 to appear on The Ed Sullivan Show, the Ebola virus arrived in America within the body of 33-year-old Dr. Kent Brantly, a medical missionary who contracted the horrific virus while in Liberia, a nation that was initially founded as a safe haven for expatriate American slaves.

Clad in a white biohazard suit, Brantly entered Atlanta’s Emory University Hospital, where he was quarantined in a “special isolation unit” and his loved ones will only be able to contact him through a telephone from behind a plate-glass window. Brantly is one of two American missionaries to have contracted Ebola while on their fatally altruistic mercy mission; the other, 59-year-old Nancy Writebol, will arrive for treatment separately. Both patients are white Christians.

Authorities, including Barack Obama, are urging calm, claiming that there is no danger to the public at large. This is despite evidence suggesting that the most lethal form of Ebola is possibly airborne. They are also lecturing us that it is difficult to contract the virus. This doesn’t explain how medical professionals who were well aware of Ebola’s modes of transmission became infected. Emory University Hospital is also right down the street from the Centers for Disease Control, which recently bungled samples of anthrax and a strain of bird flu.

Bleeding hearts (who may also soon be bleeding from their ears and noses if this becomes a pandemic) are tut-tutting anyone who objects to the fact that the infected patients were transported here rather than treated in Africa. Even though there is no known cure for Ebola, they say it’s heartless and cruel to let these two individuals wither away in Africa rather than mercifully allowing them to wither away in America. This tends to ignore the fact that if a dreaded outbreak were to occur, untold individuals would suffer and die because we’ve been over-sympathetic to those who were suicidally sympathetic, which in the long run isn’t very sympathetic at all.

SO DIVERSE, IT’S PERVERSE
The Reverend Jesse Jackson is urging (or shaking down, take your pick) tech industrialists in Silicon Valley to diversify their workforce, claiming that demographically proportional representation in the tech industry is “the next step in the civil-rights movement.”

Tech giant eBay recently released stats demonstrating that their workforce was 61% white and 24% Asian. This means that whites are slightly underrepresented at the company, while Asians are extremely overrepresented. Blacks (7%) and Hispanics (5%) were underrepresented at eBay in proportion to their quotient of the overall population. However, when one factors in mean math aptitude, these racial groups are very well represented in the tech industry. If one dares to cite test scores, this suggests that the true inequality lies not in hiring practices but in innate cognitive differences among these groups. It is perhaps no coincidence that blacks and Hispanics are also sorely underrepresented in things such as technological innovations, but let’s not even think about that, OK? Let’s focus on unquantifiable feel-good issues rather than the horrid idea that technically, racial groups may differ in their average technical skills.

University of Michigan professor Dorceta Taylor”€”no need to look her up on Google Images, her first name says it all”€”is bemoaning the fact that environmental groups are disproportionately staffed by that modern-day incubus, the evil white male. At press time, she could not be contacted to state whether she’d prefer to live in environmental paradises such as Haiti or Nigeria.

While working at the BBC, current English FA chairman Greg Dyke, a 67-year-old white male, was “lauded” for labeling the broadcaster as “hideously white.” He is now crying foul that the FA is “overwhelmingly male, overwhelmingly white” and that if it doesn’t start purging its ranks of “old white males,” it risks becoming “irrelevant.” It is not known whether Dyke is willing to relinquish his job and salary to a younger black woman. It is also unknown whether Dyke is, in fact, a dyke pretending to be an old white man.

Strangely, though, the push for diversity only seems to be shoving in one direction. When a white male was hired to teach “African-American, Latino and Southeast Asian studies” at a Fresno, CA middle school, a black female pastor, flanked by chubby, scowling black men, protested the decision. According to the Rev. Karen Crozier, “We didn’t fight for a white male or female teacher to educate our babies.” Good luck educating those babies, Ms. Crozier. Whites have tried to do it for generations.