April 14, 2014
Kiss
The Week’s Most Regrettable, Lamentable, and Unforgettable Headlines
HAPPY TAX FREEDOM DAY!
As Americans scramble to file their 2013 tax returns by tomorrow’s midnight deadline, let us never forget that on average, we work from January 1 to around April 15 merely to give the government the lunch money it demands from us under threat of punishment.
At least that’s according to DC think tank the Tax Foundation. Funded in part by the evil and carnivorous Koch brothers, the non-profit group defines “Tax Freedom Day“ as the calendar day “when the nation as a whole has earned enough money to pay its total tax bill for year [sic].” This includes federal, state, and local taxes. For the USA as a whole in 2014, it’s April 21″three days later than last year. Since individual states and municipalities have wildly different tax rates, Tax Freedom Day varies from state to state, with Louisiana on the low end (March 30) and Connecticut and New Jersey tied at the high end. In NJ and CT, you’ll be working for The Man until May 9 this year.
FACING MINORITY STATUS, WHITES LEAN RIGHT
A study published in the journal Psychological Science“which apparently believes “left” and “right” are scientifically objective terms”examined a group of white Americans who described themselves as political independents. When presented with evidence that nonwhite Americans will soon outnumber white ones, participants’ political attitudes veered toward conservatism. But when subjects were told whites would still be wealthier than other groups subsequent to the new demographic shift, their attitudes did not drift rightward.
AL SHARPTON: THE FORMERLY FAT RAT WHO SAYS HE’S A CAT
The Right Proper Holy Reverend Al Sharpton”famous for telling a crowd in 1994 that white civilization is descended from “Greek homos””used to be a lot fatter than he is now. Whether or not he’s withering away from AIDS is, of course, merely a matter of pure”and possibly irresponsible”speculation. The staggeringly articulate part-time Man of God”did you know that his full first name is “Alfred”?”used to be so obscenely portly, he could have been a literal “pillar” of the black community, but now it’s probably more accurate to say he’s a lamppost of the black community.
Back when he was far chubbier and wore tons of product in his hair, Mr. Sharpton was a facilitator or at least an enabler of hate-crime hoaxes and three-day riots. But now that he’s lost so much weight he looks like a celery stick dipped in chocolate, he has his own groovy TV show and is watching the Super Bowl with the Obamas.
Still, the bloated shadow of his former self hangs over him. Last week, The Smoking Gun website published FBI documents documenting that Sharpton was a federal informant in the 1980s against La Cosa Nostra. Sharpton is now claiming Italian mobsters had threatened his life and he was merely doing a public service by helping to catch the bad guys””I was not and am not a rat…I’m a cat. I chase rats,” he explained in his typically soaring oratory style, mouth wide open and eyes-a-poppin’. Speaking on his own behalf in defense of himself, Sharpton didn’t say too much about the fact that he had been forced to become an FBI rat after being caught on video in 1983 negotiating a huge cocaine deal with an undercover agent.
JAY-Z’S METAPHYSICAL AFRO-SUPREMACIST MEDALLION
Al Sharpton is undeniably a very important black American man, which is why he sat on the dais at Obama’s second inauguration ceremony last year. But he is not nearly as important as Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who were seated two rows closer to the president than Sharpton was. With a combined net worth of approximately $760 million, the superstar musicians are America’s wealthiest celebrity Negro couple.
Although Jay-Z, the man born Shawn Corey Carter, is financially a member of the “1%,” speculation emerged last week that he is at least a sympathizer with the Five-Percent Nation, a Nation of Islam offshoot which preaches that black men are God incarnate and white men are devils. It also teaches a system called “Supreme Mathematics,” which to date has not resulted in any appreciable improvement in black American students’ math scores.
At a recent game of NBA basketball team the Brooklyn Nets”Jay-Z is a minority owner of the team, and we mean “minority” in both senses of the word”Mr. Z was spotted wearing a garish Five-Percenter medallion. When a reporter queried him about whether his cheesy necklace had any meaning for him, the multimillionaire rapper said, “A little bit.”
Jay-Z, you be Cray-Z.
