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The Week’s Most Abominable, Improbable, and Unconscionable Headlines

IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR AN ASPIRING RAPPER
Although one can’t swing a baseball bat these days without accidentally hitting a hip-hop artist who’s been convicted of a violent crime, imagine how much harder this unforgivably racist society makes life for the “aspiring rapper.”

At the SXSW festival in Austin, aspiring rapper Rashad Charjuan Owens, a 21-year-old father of six who performs under the name “KillingAllBeatz,” allegedly plowed into a group of pedestrians while eluding police, killing two and injuring nearly two dozen.

In northern Georgia, 21-year-old female aspiring rapper Skyy Raven Marie Mims, whose stage name is “Yo Skyy,” was taken into custody in connection with the stabbing death of a gas station attendant. Mims is also described as an “aspiring model,” and her hip-hop lyrics include: “Grim reaper on the track, hoodie with no mask/Let ‘em see who I am for the simple fact that it’ll be their last glance.”

Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary, a 23-year-old aspiring rapper from London whose Twitter handle was “Soldier of Allah,” claims he was kidnapped and tortured by rival Islamists in Syria after he’d left his £1M London home to wage holy war in the Middle East.

An alleged attack last October by her aspiring rapper boyfriend Imir R. Williams, AKA “Mirkat,” left Esther Schmucker of the cable reality show Amish Mafia “with a broken nose, broken cheekbone and several broken teeth.” Although Schmucker is reportedly engaged to her Amish Mafia costar Lebanon Levi, rumors persist that she has secretly reunited with her decidedly non-Amish former paramour and wannabe hip-hop star.

In Florida, an 18-year-old aspiring rapper named Rashad McNair was booked and charged with slamming his father into a glass table during an argument that escalated after his dad told him to turn off the television and go to bed.

Reputed “Russian Mafia boss” Mani Chulpayev has been arrested in Georgia as an accessory to murder in the case of aspiring rapper Lil Phat. Chulpayev’s alleged business partner Decensae “Grizz” White has agreed to cooperate with investigators. As luck would have it, White is also described as an “aspiring rapper.”

Aspiring rapper Anthony Murillo, whose aspiring stage name is “Lil A,” was previously convicted in California of four counts of unlawful sex with a minor. He now faces felony counts of threatening two witnesses via lyrics in a rap song he’d posted “on several social media sites.”

Former aspiring rapper Ray Jasper, convicted of slicing and stabbing a music producer to death in 1998, is scheduled to be executed in Texas on Wednesday.

THE INNATE GENDER BIGOTRY OF PACHYDERMS
As we are all aware”€”because they’ll never shut up about it”€”the workplace is hostile to women both young and old. And in a world that is divided between white men and everyone else, women struggle to keep shouting more loudly than everyone else.

Egged on by such abjectly disempowered organizations as the United Nations and the World Economic Forum, women across the globe are finally standing on their tippy-toes and demanding “gender equality” in places such as the United Arab Emirates and Jamaica.

And despite the fact that the film and music industries have made them wealthy beyond most men’s imagination, stars such as Lena Dunham and Lily Allen continue to howl about “sexism” in the entertainment industry.

These gals are enabled by beta-male white knights riding tiny sparkle ponies and insisting that sexism is still rampant in Hollywood and “There’s More to Making Non-Sexist Art Than Not Being Sexist,” whatever the hell that means. In fact, sexism is so insidiously slippery, sometimes you can’t even notice it. This is why it remains of paramount importance to blur the gender divide and stop misgendering people.

Sadly, humans are not the only ones who need enlightenment and reeducation. A recent study suggests that elephants are able to distinguish not only human gender, but also ethnicity. Clearly, a benevolent global government agency is needed to smash the delusions of the pachydermal patriarchy.