The Week’s Most Felonious, Euphonious, and Sanctimonious Headlines

CRIME BLOTTER: GUNFIGHT AT THE VIOLENCE AIN’T O.K. CORRAL
Gunfire erupted during an anti-violence vigil last Thursday night in Charlotte, NC. A group called Mothers of Murdered Offspring had arranged the event”€”meaning the vigil, not the gunfire”€”to commemorate the previous week’s fatal shooting of Javon Booker by police after Booker had allegedly attempted to rob a Charlotte convenience store. Four people were injured during the anti-violence vigil.

Virginia’s infamous “Butt Slasher,” Johnny Guillen Pimentel, was sentenced to seven years in prison for a string of 2011 attacks where he slashed female posteriors at shopping malls.

Eighty-two-year-old Don Scarbough Fenters, bless his heart, was arrested for allegedly receiving oral sex from a 29-year-old prostitute while driving in a white Cadillac Deville in Myrtle Beach, SC. A witness had called police after seeing the vehicle swerve on Highway 501.

Child Protective Services in Sacramento, CA is being criticized after an eight-month old male infant died as the result of ingesting his mother’s milk, tainted as it was with Xanax and methadone. The child’s thirty-two-year-old mother had been warned five months previously to stop breastfeeding the boy after a test revealed high levels of methadone in his bloodstream. The mother has been charged with murder and child endangerment.

Two men”€”both named Daquan“€”were arrested in connection with the death of one-year-old Antiq Hennis, who was shot in the face in Brooklyn’s Brownsville section as he sat in a stroller over Labor Day weekend. The shooting was allegedly gang-related and the child’s father refused to cooperate with police. Pundits will now argue over whether the incident is the result of lax gun laws or of naming your son “Daquan.”

In Columbus, OH, 22-year-old Matthew Cordle posted a video online where he claimed responsibility for killing a 61-year-old man three months ago in a drunk-driving incident. A prosecutor says that homicide charges could be filed against Cordle this week.

THE ERODING LABOR FORCE
Despite Democrats’ claims that they are the party of the working class, there are now nearly ten million more Americans over age 16 who are not participating in the labor force than when Barack Obama took office.

THE JACKASS AND THE SCUMBAG
Serial sexter and fading New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner engaged in a videotaped pissing contest at a Jewish bakery in Brooklyn after a yarmulke-wearing patron called Weiner a “scumbag” and criticized him for marrying an Arab. In return, Weiner called the man a “jackass” while chomping on a kosher confection. It cannot be confirmed at press time why Weiner was not wearing a yarmulke, but we presume it’s because in addition to being Jewish, he is also part-Jamaican and part-archaeopteryx.

SYRIAL KILLERS
As America’s Nobel Peace Prize-winning president scrambles for excuses to bomb Syria, a former provincial governor in Iran warned that retaliation would include the rape of Obama’s daughter Sasha. Meanwhile, Syria’s First Lady, Asma Assad, is being criticized for ordering expensive chandeliers and wearing a calorie-counting electronic bracelet while being photographed feeding soup to starving children.

Marcia Fudge, head of the Congressional Black Caucus, has requested that her fellow Congressional non-Caucasians keep shtum about Obama’s plan for missile strikes. AIPAC is reportedly planning a full-throttle campaign to lobby (bribe?), persuade (intimidate?), and cajole (threaten?) “virtually every member of Congress” to support strikes against Syria because, oh, we don’t know, the Holocaust or something.