Joe Bob's America

Yo! Gwyneth! Shut Up!

April 26, 2018

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Yo! Gwyneth! Shut Up!

NEW YORK—Several hundred emails pour in each week asking me about the Joe Bob Wellness Regimen.

People wanna know, “How do you do it, Joe Bob? Glowing skin after a three-day drunk. Toned abs over your beer gut. A certain aroma about your torso that prevails even after extended sessions in the cigar bars of Jersey City. And that hint of peat-bog detritus in your breath every time you return from either Scotland or Vinnie’s Package Store in Coney Island.”

I am truly humbled by all the attention, and so in the interest of public health and a vigorous America, glistening like Vin Diesel’s deltoids after being oiled up by a team of Swedish strippers, I’m happy to take you through my Wellness Day.

I always try to rise each morning by 9:45, because this creates the mental confidence caused by “not sleeping till 10” while also creating a 15-minute window to remove the previous day’s clothing and aim a garden hose directly at the eyeballs, thereby removing any blood in the iris. It helps to prepare for this morning ritual by coating the face with raw bee pollen coated with silk gum because this will cause you to throw up immediately instead of waiting until later in the day.

“Shilajit should be included as a side dish if one of your nutrition goals is to be full of shilajit.”

A little after 10 I step into a claw-foot bathtub with a polyethylene mat positioned to avoid pratfalls, whereupon I fumble through several bottles of essential body oils containing cocoa butter, hydrating tangerines, radiant lavender, jojoba, and sunflower that were left in my apartment by a gay guy until I find a bar of lye soap made from leftover cooking fat, and I scrub that son of a bitch over everything except my dangling participles, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Thus invigorated with blotchy red perforations all over my body, I take a sliced pineapple, a handful of minced fresh parsley, three egg whites, one cup of spinach, two tablespoons of organic ground flaxseed, some dried black currants, and pour all of it into a blender that has been prepped with two cups of 130-proof Booker’s Bourbon. You now have all your vegetables for the day.

By the way, I’ve shared this recipe with women who practice vagina sunbathing, and I can attest that it is equally effective when used indoors on a rainy Tuesday by a heterosexual with a non-tanned woodie.

(You thought I was making that up, didn’t you?)

Now it’s time for a little midmorning mood shift, using Kundalini meditation. For those of you unfamiliar with Kundalini, it’s a type of consciousness-raising in which a coiled female serpent takes up residence at the base of the spine. To simplify my life, I use a nude Latina masseuse named Luciana who shows up three times a week at 11:45 and coils her entire body at the base of my spine, then proceeds to kunda my lini.

Let the workday begin. To make sure my memory and cognition are at peak levels, I take fish oil, cocoa flavonols, and turmeric in order to remember how to spell “turmeric,” as well as acetyl-L-carnitine to annoy the Takimag copy editor, who is always unsure where the “L” goes and why it’s capitalized with hyphens on either side of it. I also take choline to avoid early-onset Alzheimer’s, although early-onset Alzheimer’s is an ironclad defense against libel suits, so I go easy on it.

By lunchtime I’m feeling the effects of the previous evening’s 2 a.m. pork burrito, so I do a probiotic cleanse of maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and organic kiwi juice, followed by a light lunch of sugar-cured ham slabs on a cinnamon bun that’s been sliced lengthwise and soaked in salted Belgian cream. Wash it down with a can of Lithuanian Energy Tonic (2,000 milligrams of caffeine), and you’re ready to conquer the afternoon work schedule.