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Nap time! One of the most common mistakes when structuring a holistic physiological regimen designed to produce homeostasis in the chakras is the absence of a sleep plan. All you need is twenty minutes of deep REM oblivion around 2:30, and my preferred method is to have a Watusi girl rub my temples after two shots of Duplais Swiss absinthe, chased with an Ocean Spray cranberry mixer. The resulting quick sink into dreamland has been compared to shamanistic practices in the Peruvian Amazon in which masticated jungle vines are used to induce visions of jaguars eating your brain. You awaken terrified but rested, as though your medulla oblongata has been massaged with a squeegee.

We are now entering the most productive part of the day. To enhance your mood, don’t be afraid to pamper yourself with soy-candle aromatherapy, a detoxifying pink-grapefruit bodywash, a quick cruelty-free cactus-bristle exfoliation brush, or you can do what I do: scratch your testicles and yawn. The important thing here is that this is Me Time, your own personal island of id-caressing luxury.

Dinner depends on whether you’re dieting or not. Women should probably eat clay, either roasted or raw, while men should stick to the finer boar and goat sausages, preferably dipped in lard. Everything should be accompanied by stevia and Cordyceps, unless, like me, you don’t know how to pronounce “Cordyceps” and have some skepticism about ingesting parasites. Reishi mushrooms are de rigueur, but only in countries where they have douches who say de rigueur, and shilajit should be included as a side dish if one of your nutrition goals is to be full of shilajit. Use a little barrenwort for presentation and—hey, we can’t live forever—pour some smoky Islay Scotch, actually pour a lot of smoky Islay Scotch, in fact coat the entire plate with smoky Islay Scotch and then throw out the plate and drink the Scotch.

Before you go out for the evening, don’t forget a little slow-motion tai chi to frighten the neighborhood children, followed by an electronic mixtape with a drop-out bass line that will give you the illusion of being at a rave. Voilà! You’ve gotten your daily ration of exercise and the night is still young.

Here’s the great thing about the Joe Bob Briggs Wellness Regimen. Throughout the day your body has been transmuting. You are now eligible for the Vampire Fetish Ball without needing a costume. Have fun, but remember: Some of those girls aren’t girls and some of those guys are both. You can have a threesome with one person at those things. Wear a cup. You gotta be up by 9:45.

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