Nostradamus

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED THAT THE KARDASHIAN SISTERS WOULD KEEP HAVING SEX WITH BLACK GUYS

The man will be called by a barbaric name
that three sisters will receive from destiny.
He will speak then to a great people in words and deeds,
more than any other man will have fame and renown.
—Century I, Quatrain 76

The “three sisters” could be no other than the Kardashians—Kim, Khloé, and Kourtney—and despite the fact that their initials combined spell “KKKKKK,” these Armenian-American vixens have moved American race relations forward several centuries by hopping atop as many black schlongs as their hungry legs can swallow. They have been banged by more black poles than Rodney King’s head. Knowing that ugly racism persists in America, it’s 100% mathematically certain that one of their black male suitors has been called “a barbaric name.” We know what that name is; we’re just afraid to print it. Let’s all imagine that name together for a moment before we move on.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED THE SINISTER RISE OF KOCH INDUSTRIES IN RIGHT-WING POLITICS

From where they will think to make famine come,
From there will come the surfeit:
The eye of the sea through canine greed
For the one the other will give oil and wheat.
—Century IV, Quatrain 15

For nearly a year, dedicated leftist scribes have proved beyond a pubic hair’s width of doubt that Charles and David Koch of Koch Industries—who, as luck would have it, are involved in both “oil and wheat,” and you can be sure it’s Big Oil and Big Wheat—have, through their unparalleled “greed,” paid off a cadre of media “lapdogs” (hence the word “canine”) who bend to their every suggestion, and if you can’t “sea” that, your “eye” is blind, my friend. The brothers’ cruel, behind-the-scenes string-pulling will “make famine come,” and dozens of people who currently subscribe to the print edition of The Nation may be forced into such poverty, they’ll have to view it exclusively online next year. So when you rail against “the wealthy,” forget about George Soros, Ben Bernanke, or anyone named Rockefeller or Rothschild—these Kochs are your guys. They are, shockingly, the only wealthy people on Earth who have ever attempted to influence politics.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED THAT DIRK NOWITZKI WOULD LEAD THE DALLAS MAVERICKS TO THE NBA TITLE

At night the last one will be strangled in his bed
because he became too involved with the blond heir elect.
The Empire is enslaved and three men substituted.
He is put to death with neither letter nor packet read.
—Century I, Quatrain 39

The “blond heir elect” is undoubtedly the 7-foot Kraut Frankenstein Dirk Nowitzki, the first white man to lead an NBA team to a championship since Larry Bird’s Celtics beat Houston way back in 1986. The “three men” who were “enslaved” are obviously LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh, African-Americans who, despite their enormous wealth, continue to struggle with slavery’s indelible stain. We’re not certain, but it seems highly likely that the passage about the “last one” being “strangled in his bed” refers to unsubstantiated rumors that Nowitzki vowed to quit masturbating in hotel rooms until he finally won a championship.