SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY JOINS GIRL SCOUTS
After a spate of squabbling and quibbling, the Colorado Girl Scouts have finally agreed to allow seven-year-old Bobby Montoya to join their ranks and sell their cookies. Bobby’s differently surnamed mother, Felisha Archuleta, says Bobby, who still has a boy’s name and a boy’s genitals, has been fond of “girl stuff” since he was two. (Presumably he was as butch as Dick Butkus prior to that age.) Bobby claims to have been bullied for dressing like a girl, and by now we’ve been instructed to believe that his tormentors are ignorant and hateful bigots rather than children acting in accordance with their natural instincts. It is clear that they, and not Bobby, are confused.

WOMAN ALLEGEDLY STABS BOYFRIEND FOR CHEATING AT MONOPOLY
A rumpled, wart-covered, rancid-looking 60-year-old Santa Fe woman named Laura Chavez was arrested for reputedly smashing her boyfriend Clyde “Butch” Smith over the head with a glass bottle and then slashing him with a kitchen knife because, according to her 10-year-old grandson, she suspected him of “cheating at Monopoly.” Police say they found Chavez sitting under her porch drenched in blood and boasting that she “fucked him up.”

WOMAN GIVES BIRTH AS LIVE “PERFORMANCE ART”
Nothing portends a happy, well-adjusted life more than one’s mother squeezing your slime-covered newborn body out from between her legs for all the world to see as part of an art installation called “The Birth of Baby X.” Well, there’s that, plus naming you “Ajax Kotak” as if you were a feminine-hygiene product. In front of art-world witnesses, Li’l Ajax entered this earthly plane Tuesday morning at Brooklyn’s Microscope Gallery. His mother, Marni Kotak, explains that she is “driven to hold onto an authentic personal experience in a world that has essentially become consumed by an unreal hyper-reality.” She then added she sometimes fantasizes she’s a Russian spy named “Marnitov Cocktail.”

SOUTH AFRICAN GIRL DIES AFTER BEING BURNED ALIVE IN “SATANIC RITUAL”
While frolicking with friends near a swimming pool last Friday in Johannesburg, 18-year-old Kirsty Theologo was allegedly bound, doused with gasoline, and set ablaze by four young males in what they claimed was a “satanic ritual.” When Kirsty’s 16-year-old friend attempted to extinguish the flames by rolling her in sand, she, too, was torched. Theologo had been in a coma with third- and fourth-degree burns for nearly a week until she finally gave up the ghost this Friday.

TWO WOMEN PLEAD GUILTY IN PHILADELPHIA “HOUSE OF HORRORS” ABORTION-CLINIC CASE
In January, authorities arrested Dr. Kermit Gosnell and nine employees at his West Philadelphia clinic on murder charges for performing illegal late-term abortions in which at least seven babies were born alive and stabbed to death with scissors. Sherry West, 52, who allegedly was paid $8 to $10 in cash per hour to perform ultrasounds and give anesthesia while often failing to wear gloves despite the fact that she was infected with hepatitis C, pled guilty to administering a fatal anesthetic dose to a 19-year-old female immigrant. Andrea Moton, 34, entered a guilty plea for stabbing one baby to death “that she had pulled from a toilet where it had been delivered.” She also snapped cellphone pictures of an oversized 30-week-old fetus she’d murdered.

LOHAN FAMILY CONTINUES TO EXIST
Except for drugs, we still don’t know what Lindsay Lohan does. Last week during one of her seemingly thousands of court appearances, she looked as if she’d burned her face on a giant meth pipe. Her estranged father Michael, ever eager to wriggle into the spotlight despite a deafening lack of discernible talent or redeeming personal attributes, told a TV reporter his baby girl looked that way because she was “smoking a pipe with meth or crack.” Michael Lohan appeared in court on Tuesday to face charges that he’d assaulted his girlfriend for refusing to perform oral sex on him. Mere hours after being released from jail, Mr. Lohan violated a no-contact order with his girlfriend. When police arrived at his hotel on Thursday to arrest him, he jumped from the third-floor balcony and fell 30 feet, reportedly breaking his foot. He told arresting officers he’s “a sucker” and “an idiot.” Fair enough.