While women whine about being “sex objects,” men are largely measured by their earning potential. And despite the largely inaccurate and mythical wage gap, a Nielsen report claims that women “€œcontrol the majority of spending decisions,”€ which suggests that the schmuck who works for the money may not be nearly as important as the shrew who winds up blowing it.

Double standards abound. Criticizing a girl’s looks is nearly a hate crime, while fat bald males with tiny schweens are fair game for cackling shrieks of ridicule. Men merely get circumcised, while women suffer “genital mutilation.” Adult males who have sex with young women are pedophiles, while adult females who have sex with young men are “cougars.” If a man loses at romance he’s a loser, whereas a woman has the privilege of claiming she was “wronged.” Women getting raped is never a laughing matter; men getting raped is always a laughing matter.

Perhaps most importantly, men can’t win when it comes to expressing emotions. We’re depicted as coldhearted for maintaining a stiff upper lip, but as weak if we cry. And still you wonder why we die younger.

How about you girls be cool for once and check your own damn privileges? I honestly think it would help. You chicks should lay off the henpecking just a tad and acknowledge that we are every bit as human as you, that our suffering is just as real as yours, that we are not monsters and that we bleed, too, although admittedly not every month. By the way, if you’re truly so oppressed, why are you the ones who get multiple orgasms? Talk about first-class citizens!

I often get wistful and wish we actually lived in a patriarchy. I heard it was great.