Fort Bragg, NC

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The Week’s Most Mirthing, Girthing, and Presidential-Birthing Headlines

HUSTLERAS
The 2019 movie Hustlers told the real-life story of a multiracial group of scheming strippers who lure men to hotel suites, drug them with alcohol, MDMA, and ketamine, and max out their credit cards.

In the film the strippers are portrayed as heroes. And in real life, they were treated that way. The NYC DA let them off the hook entirely.

After all, drugging people without their consent and robbing them is a victimless crime as long as the perps are women of color!

But what if the victim is a man of color?

Adan Manzano, born in Mexico City, made his fortune as a sports reporter for Telemundo, the network named by Fonzie. And indeed, Mexicans make great sports reporters, because following the game they clean the stands with their leaf blowers.

Last week Manzano was in New Orleans to cover the Super Bowl. A widower, the horny hombre decided to scour the streets for some female company, in a city listed in the Triple A guide as “the worst place in the world to scour the streets. What are you, retarded? It’s New Orleans!”

The Spanish-language Triple ¡AY! guide is less subtle: “¡Nueva Orleans es el diablo! ¡Negros malvados!”

But Manzano didn’t listen. He picked up a black escort so homely she makes Lizzo look like Liz Taylor. And the “hustler,” Danette Colbert, decided to reenact the film. Of course, Hollywood always adds a little magic to the movies. And the most magical part of Hustlers was that it depicted black women as competent enough to meticulously mix dangerous drugs non-fatally.

Hollywood, land of fantasy.

Colbert killed the poor dumb bastardo and got caught real quick because she still tried to max out his cards, even knowing she’d just murdered a well-known guy and cops can track purchases.

Incredibly, Colbert had more than a dozen previous charges for drugging and robbing men, and, just like the girls in the movie, she’d never done time.

The moral of Manzano’s story? This is what happens when beans trade blowing for getting blown.

CAN-AND-BALL RUN
In recent years, Hollywood’s been scraping the bottom of the barrel to find new “black hero” movies.

This year, there’s been Donald Glover in the heartwarming tale of a Kanye West fan who rejects Nazism: Waiting to Ex-Heil.

Mo’Nique as the first black woman to put blueberry jam inside a pastry: The Cruller Purple.

Denzel Washington as a black Scottish ogre: Malcolm Shreks.

Sam Jackson as a gay man who’s sexually aroused by photos of the founder of Pakistan: Guess Who’s Coming to Jinnah.

And of course Don Cheadle in the inspiring tale of a black pilot with giant extraoral teeth who becomes a karate master: The Tusky Gi Airman.

Well, forget those. We now have the greatest tale of black accomplishment since a necrophiliac Ghanaian cannibal gave the world Ebola. Twenty-seven-year-old Nautica Malone drove through Phoenix with his pants off, stopping at various locations of “Bikini Beans,” a coffee drive-through where the baristas are nearly topless, at which point he’d masturbate furiously and drive off. Then he shot himself.

As a movie, it has everything: cars, girls, guns, and multiple happy endings.

That said, moviegoers might not believe a black man could be named “Nautica.” Naming a black man after water is like naming a Punjabi “Toilet,” a Native American “Immunoglobulin,” or a Chinaman “Dimorph.” Incongruity personified.

Also, “Bikini Beans” is the No. 1 pinup magazine of Tijuana.

Nautica left a suicide note in his car. This is not a joke: It read “If I’m in critical condition please pull the plug.”

Oh, Nautica, if you weren’t so obsessed with “pulling” yourself, you wouldn’t be in this mess.

BARREN TRUMP
An unfaithful wife is in bed with her lover in a room at a seaside hotel. But there’s something on the lover’s mind. He turns to the woman and asks, “What if your husband finds out about us?”

“Please,” the wife replies, “Stanley’s the dumbest Polack on earth. Fooling him is like fooling a child.”

And at that moment, the door bursts open. It’s Stanley, and he’s got a gun.

“Dumb Polack, huh?” he mockingly declares. “This ‘dumb Polack’ followed you here. You’ve ruined my life. I’m going out and I’m taking both of you with me. I’m about to give the evening news its top story: murder-suicide at Ocean View Hotel.”

And with that Stanley puts the gun under his chin and begins to pull the trigger.

The lovers erupt in laughter.

Confused, Stanley asks, “Why are you laughing? You’re next!”

The moral of the joke? Idiots who try to “teach a lesson” to their foes only make themselves look dumber in the process.

As Natalie Wood famously said, not every “dunk” is successful.

Last week far-left Michigan State Representative Laurie Pohutsky revealed that she had herself sterilized to protest Trump’s abortion policies. She told her followers she “opted for voluntary sterilization” because she was uncertain she’d be able to “access contraception in the future.”

In other words, “I’ll show Trump by taking my DNA out of the gene pool.”

And all of Twitter reacted as those two lovers in that hotel bedroom did: with derisive laughter.

A hideous leftist thought she was harming Trump by killing off her fetid bloodline.

Pohutsky’s a Polish name, BTW.

Just sayin’.

BUYER’S REMOSQUE
Trump has a Muslim problem foreign and domestic.

ISIS has regrouped in Somalia, where militants have taken up residence in caves. Not for cover, but because caves are the only dwellings in Somalia that have stable walls and roofs. The caves are located in the Somalian territory of Puntland. And honestly, if you name your province Puntland, don’t be surprised when world leaders pass on dealing with your problems.

Somalia’s president (a starving ibex) and prime minister (a desiccated tuna sandwich donated during the 1992 famine) are claiming that Trump’s foreign aid freeze has crippled Somalia’s ability to fight the Islamic terrorists, who are seeking targets abroad because killing Somalians is like pushing water off Niagara Falls.

Meanwhile, at home, during the 2024 election Arab-Americans really shawarmed up to Trump, helping him carry Dearborn, America’s Arab “ground zero” (anytime Arabs have a “ground zero,” it’s bad news). The consensus was that Harris was too pro-Israel, while Trump would stand up for the Palestinians.

Unsurprisingly, the akbars got a nakbar. With Trump’s pledge to storm Gaza, evict the Palis, and build a resort, the Ay-rabs are saying “nay-rab.” The last time an Arab expressed this much regret was when Zacarias Moussaoui missed out on 9/11.

The AP is reporting that the organization Arab Americans for Trump will change its name to Arab Americans for Peace. Although this name might also be changed due to a court challenge by Arab Americans for Piece, which was formed after Salman Rushdie’s would-be assassin only carved out one of the author’s eyes, and Muslims demanded the other one.

The former chairman of Arab Americans for Trump, Bishara Bahbah, told the AP that he’s ashamed of his support for the president. In fact, some of his own family members are shunning him. Yes, Bahbah is a black sheep.

Ba-dum-dum.

Or, as can be said of any Arab voter who thought Trump could be counted on for coherence, ba-dumb-dumb.

GREAT DANES, BAD JOKES
Denmark isn’t known for humor. Indeed, the only Danish comedian to ever succeed internationally was Victor Borge, and the Nazis tried to kill him. When Hitler hates your comedy enough to try to murder you, you either have the worst act ever, or the best.

Last week the Danes attempted comedy by countering Trump’s demand for Greenland with their own demand to buy California—as if Trump would take that as a threat. Still, such a deal might work out well for the Danes; they could import millions of Mexicans to blow icy sidewalks (Mexicans will travel to any country awash in Leifs).

Congressional Republicans have advanced a bill to rename Greenland “Red, White, and Blueland.” That’s not a joke. Indeed, name-changing’s been all the rage in Trump’s first month, from the Gulf of Mexico becoming the Gulf of America, to Mount Denali being changed back to Mount Dumbass Assassinated at a Fair.

Last week Secretary of Defense Hegseth boasted that he was ordering Fort Bragg, renamed by Biden Fort Transgender Boytoy, to become Fort Bragg again. But in a move that must’ve seemed hilarious to Hegseth on his tenth whiskey sour, the new Bragg won’t be the old Bragg. Fort Bragg was originally named for Confederate general Braxton Bragg (not to be confused with Toni Braxton brag, which is when the bitch won’t shut up about her Grammys). Since Trump doesn’t want to lose the black vote (as in, the one black vote he got), the new Fort Bragg will be named after a random WWII soldier, Roland Bragg. Literally, Hegseth went out and found any Bragg who served in the U.S. Army.

According to Wikipedia, Roland Bragg’s only known accomplishment was stealing a German car.

So of course blacks will love the guy.

Speaking of blacks, that whole “no, I mean a different Bragg” thing’s been appropriated by Kanye West, whose merch store was pulled by Spotify last week because it was selling only one item: a Hitler shirt. Kanye’s response? “No, not that Hitler! I’m celebrating Larry Hitler. He’s my plumber. Great guy…a wizard at clogs.”

When it was pointed out that Kanye yelled, “Heil Hitler,” on a recent podcast, he replied, “Yes, I said, ‘Hi, L. Hitler.’ That’s how I always greet Larry.”

A joke worthy of Victor Borge.