L.A. City Hall

Source: Bigstock

Here’s a fun fact: My cousin was one of the attorneys who got silicone breast implants banned in the 1990s.

As regular readers know, my biological dad killed Elvis. So my bloodline took away Elvis and boobies. That’s why I never had kids—Lord knows what manner of villainy they’d inflict upon mankind.

After Big Mammary was forcibly shut down, a weird thing happened: Fourteen years later, silicone implants came back and everyone was like, “I guess they were fine after all.”

Turns out the class-action silicone suit was bunk. There was never any hard proof that the implants harmed women. But lots of people got rich from the claim.

Mainly the lawyers.

Well, only the lawyers.

It was a hell of a scam. And I can’t understand why the class aktion that took out titties hasn’t been repeated to get tranny procedures for minors—the surgical removal of healthy organs and the introduction of body-altering chemicals—banned like Dow Corning’s silicone boobs.

Where are the lawyers? If shysters could manufacture a phony case against Dow, why can’t, or won’t, they pursue a legitimate claim against the well-heeled institutions that mutilate kids?

I don’t have an answer to that. I wish I did, but I don’t.

I mean, sure, any attorney fighting the trans lobby would be slammed as a Nazi. But when did ambulance chasers start caring about their image? Some lawyers revel in the notoriety that comes from bad publicity. There’s no shortage of legal eagles who represent pedos and rapists and DaQuan who shot a white child in the head but that kid had it coming because African slaves created chocolate and never got reparations and that dead white boy ate a candy bar once and he really enjoyed it but he never thanked black people so honestly, who’s the real victim here?

Lawyers haven’t gotten any less willing to be dicks. But they won’t take on Big Tranny. Is it the left-wing Jewish thing? Does the rebbe at Temple B’nai Medina counsel his flock that “you can’t spell ‘Maimonides’ without ‘maim’; let the carvings continue”? Is it that the eternal genocide-accusers don’t want to be accused of genocide? Did lantern-jawed raglefant Deborah Lipstadt crawl out from under her bridge and pick her teeth clean of children’s bone fragments as she declared at a press conference that “if you prevent doctahs from toining children into monstahs you’re committing monstah genocide”?

“But Professor Lipstadt, as a monster yourself, do you feel you’re biased in this matter?”

“I am not a monstah! I’m a respected academic.”

“You’re sucking the marrow from a child’s femur as we speak. That seems fairly monstrous.”

“This press conference is ovah!”

The genius of the silicone implant lawsuit was that technically, the attorneys were taking freedom of choice away from women. But by craftily presenting the case as pro-woman, as “ditzy dames versus Big Chemo,” the lawyers came off as heroes. A class-action suit against Big Tranny would be everything the Dow implant case was, but, like, for real this time. It would be about actually protecting vulnerable people from bloodstained white-coat butchers who’ve traded whatever humanity they once had for a massive payday in the name of furthering a criminal ideology that distorts nature and deforms children.

“Lawfare.” Everyone on the right says it, but none of ’em do it. Guys like Steve Bannon don’t seem to care about filing court documents unless it’s to set up phantom LLCs to launder the money they steal from followers.

I don’t want to beat a dead horse, especially one I long ago flogged into glue, but the lack of conservative “lawfare” is emblematic of the right’s larger problem these days, which is that at one extreme you have end-stage con men—scammers who sense that nothing’s going to get better so they might as well make money from the desperate rubes who’ve yet to realize that no help is coming—and at the other extreme you have the desperate rubes, and end-stage desperate rubism involves getting lost in the fantasy of easy, magical answers.

Because when practical answers seem out of reach, where else is your mind gonna go?

When I hear Trumpers braying about “Just elect Trump! He’ll fix everything,” my mind flashes to Homer Simpson. “Gabbo! He’ll tell us what to do!” You can ask Trumpers questions like “But if Trump can magically fix everything, why didn’t he do so in his first four years?” And all you’ll get in response is the MAGA version of “Oh, but that wasn’t real communism.”

“It didn’t work then, but this time it will!”

See, Trump’s angry now.

Well, good to know he had no interest in “fixing everything” until he got angry. I always figured that of all the Marvel characters, Hulk would make the best president.

Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation altered his body chemistry. And now, when Donald Trump grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs.

I’m not trying to pick on MAGAs (easy as that may be). Conservatism in general has fallen to “paint with a wide brush” thinking. You have the Trump personality cultists and their “He’ll solve everything this time…we can’t say how, we just know he will.” You have the conspiratorials: “It’s the Illuminati or Moloch or the Jews or the [insert invisible enemy here], and while we can’t fight ’em per se, we sure as hell can leave comments on Unz.com so at least they know how mad we are!” You have the Shapiro/Boreings: “Here’s a Bible and a flag pin and if you send us $50 for our latest paywalled film in which Gina Carano plays Martha Washington, Dean Cain plays George, and Nick Searcy plays a wooden molar, we’ll change the culture and save the world.”

“Sorbo: He’ll tell us what to do.”

The irony is, while rightist optimism is wide-brush, rightist defeatism is too. Like what I covered last week—“red state defeatism”—or the “demographics is destiny” defeatism I regularly get from VDARE readers. And I’m not saying there isn’t a grain of truth to the demographics-is-destiny argument. Blacks will never vote GOP in numbers that matter. The right will always have Jimmie Walker and Joe Phillips so turn on Nick at Nite and grab your Sowell and thank the Lord for small mercies as you bathe in nostalgia. But black votes? The right ain’t gonna get those, ever. Politically, blacks are the personification of “wide brush.” Big, brutish, incapable of intricacy.

But what about browns? What about a county like L.A., which traded black for brown? And I don’t just mean beaner browns. I mean all the swarthies—Armenians, Persians, Sephardics.

I’ve been asked about this a lot since that video of SoCal Armenians battling trannies and Antifas went viral last week. “Hey, Dave, are Armenians our great off-white hope? Can the Glendale Armenians, the Beverly Hills Persians, and the Mexis who voted to kill affirmative action be our saving grace?”

Will they “tell us what to do”?

And for the second time in this column, I raise a question I cannot answer.

For three weeks now I’ve promised to talk about Richard Riordan—L.A.’s last GOP mayor—and how in 1997 he handily won the Hispanic vote. And my grand scheme was to revisit my notes from that period and publish a plan of action to, well, “tell us what to do.”

But I can’t do that. It would be insincere. Riordan was a creature who’s extinct. A right-leaning billionaire who understood subtleties and nuance. Boy, was the man skilled. That rare marriage of money and strategic brilliance. On abortion, education, and crime, on immigration and other bean-related issues, he took conservative positions in a way that attracted constituencies you wouldn’t have pegged for likely GOP voters.

We don’t have guys like Riordan anymore. I’m sorta struggling to explain why, but here’s my best effort: Back in the 1990s, Riordan was a vocal supporter of Ron Unz’s Proposition 227, which mandated English-only in California schools. Riordan backed English-only and won the Latino vote. He then went on to help plan and fund the 2003 California gubernatorial recall that saw Arnold Schwarzenegger become our last Republican governor, elected in a landslide on an anti-immigration platform.

But Schwarzenegger reversed course, screwing immigration restrictionists like so many Guatemalan nannies. And Riordan was term-limited out of office (“Yay, term limits! What better way to fend off demographic change than to mandate that popular old-school old-stock incumbents can never run again? Hooray, we’re retards!”).

And Unz? He became the No. 1 purveyor of Holocaust denial and Protocols of Zion big-brush escapism.

Riordan tried, but he had no backup. He had his smarts and his money, and both died with him. While Unz realized that it ain’t about winning but scamming the mental midgets among us.

The right will never get another Riordan. Rightist Twitter wouldn’t allow it. His nuance would get him tarred as a “cuck.”

Last week, SoCal swarther Richard Hanania tweeted video of the Glendale Armenians battling trannies and Antifas, adding the caption, “Selling immigrants on hating liberals would be the easiest thing in the world to do if conservatives had a real interest in winning.”

And here we see the problem. No, it’s not “the easiest thing in the world.” Could rightists win the votes of L.A.’s brownies? Yeah, but it would be hard. It would take money, brains, skill, and willingness to make an effort. The minute you say, “It’ll be easy,” you’ve lost. Because you’ve tricked your audience into not demanding money, brains, skill, and willingness to make an effort.

Last year, when dipshit Republican/Independent billionaire Rick Caruso ran for L.A. mayor, he won the Latino vote in the primary. But in the general, he refused to mention the word “crime.” He only campaigned on pro-choice (in a city where single-issue abortioners reflexively vote straight “D”). So he lost to Karen Bass, a Laqueda who’s actually smarter than she looks (she was never a “defund the policer,” and one of her first acts as mayor was to increase LAPD funding).

Could Caruso have won if he hadn’t been an idiot? Well, the majority of our Latinos didn’t vote. Our Jews did, our whites did, our Ching-chongs did, our remaining DaQuans did, but our Mexis stayed home.

So when I’m asked, “Can Republicans win the L.A. brown vote?” my response is, we’ll never know. Nobody’s gonna make the effort. Nobody’s gonna demand that anybody make the effort. Richard Riordan’s dead, and in his place are either wide-brushers like Unz and his army of morons (“Oh no, ZOG’s after me!”) or cowardly weaklings like Caruso (“Crime? What’s crime?”).

In theory, could the apathetic L.A. Latinos, and the semi-conservative Armenians, Persians, and Sephardics, be persuaded to go GOP?

Sure. But we no longer have people capable of making that happen.

No help is coming.

But Gabbo is coming.

He’ll tell us what to do.