Congratulations, MAGA. You got your Biden/Trump rematch.

Just so you know, us opinion journalists were hoping for a long, eventful primary…because we need material. As Eric Swalwell laments to his Chinese concubines, it wasn’t supposed to climax this quick.

But climax it has, and only the fanatics are pleased. The “god-king Trump” MAGAs on one end, and the “Biden’s sharp as ever and he whipped inflation” delusionals on the other. This is gonna be one of those elections in which the average voter has to decide which turd’s baggage outweighs the other’s and which douche’s negatives can be more easily overlooked.

So let’s have some fun with local races. Here’s Part I of ol’ Dave’s Super Tuesday recap.

Schiff Steals Home
Gavin Newsom wasn’t on the ballot in Cali last week, but his presence was felt nonetheless. When Dianne Feinstein died, there were three prominent Dems who wanted her seat: beady-eyed Jew Adam Schiff, obese ugly white woman Katie Porter, and fossilized black radical Barbara Lee of Oakland (aka “the one place in California even Mexicans fear to tread”).

Newsom punted the appointment, selecting a seat-warmer who wouldn’t seek a full term. That way, he could avoid getting debanked by Schiff, shot by Lee, or sat on by Porter.

A Jew, a fat bimbo, and a black thug walk into a bar. And Newsom leaves.

Wise man.

Schiff may be even wiser. Take note, MAGAs: This is how you carry out a successful op, and it ain’t with fake delegates. Schiff spent $35 million to elevate Republican Steve Garvey to second place in the top 2 open primary. In doing so, he eliminated the chance he might have to run against Porter or Lee in the general. Schiff’s position is that he can handily beat a GOP—even a sports legend. Going up against Porter or Lee would’ve robbed Schiff of the black vote (Lee’s black, and Porter’s the kind of homely fat-ass white woman the average black man sees as an attainable paramour).

But now that the general will be a Dem Jew against a GOP white, Schiff figures he’s on easy street.

Maybe, maybe not. The last GOP to win a statewide race here was Schwarzenegger, and I’ve long said that only another celebrity Republican might stand a chance to repeat that feat. Garvey made a respectable showing in his second-place finish, but that’s because the Dem vote was split three ways. Add Schiff’s votes to Porter’s and Lee’s, and you’ll see that Garvey has a steep uphill climb.

On the plus side, Garvey has the boomer vote sewn up; if you’re over 50 and a lifelong Californian, the man’s name recognition is massive. And boomers do vote in record numbers.

My advice to Garvey: Work the beans. Anyone who’s been to Dodger Stadium the past decade knows that it’s beanier than Tijuana. You won’t hear one word of English. California beans, who don’t vote in record numbers—I mean, they literally don’t vote, no matter how easy the legislature makes it with mail-in ballots—love baseball. And they don’t like politics. Sure, beans lean left politically, but what does it matter if they don’t act on it?

Mr. Garvey, I’m speakin’ to you as a pal here: Don’t try to talk politics to the Mexicans. They do not care about politics. But they love sports, food, music, and respeto.

Go to every bean area in the state, from East L.A. to the San Joaquin Valley, and set up baseball field day meet-’n’-greets. Plenty of food, mariachis, and bol de la béis. Help the niños with their swing. Tell every adult male that they shoulda been in las ligas mayores, the way they handle that bat. Mexican family men love being respected in front of their wife and kids.

Again, these are not political people. So you don’t have to be. Just give them a good day of baseball and respect.

If you can persuade Fernando Valenzuela to join you, boffo! And at the end of the field day, every attendee should get a photo taken with you that’s printed up as a baseball card. A keepsake to show off, something to make them feel respected and respectable to the frijoles back home.

That’s what these people want. Do that all summer long, and you might have a shot.

Sometimes a slugger gets beaned on purpose. And that’s my advice to you.

You’re welcome.

The Yellow Star of Texas
It was the story of the year! And it was all mine. Texas Congressional District 7, encompassing parts of Houston and Sugar Land, was reliably right-wing for, like, ever. But then it was redistricted to incorporate darkest Alief.

Alief so black it don’t know its founding father.

Alief so black Angelina Jolie adopts its highways.

Alief so black the traffic arteries got sickle cell.

Alief so black it was purchased from Mexico on layaway.

The redistricting led to the first victory (in 2018) for a Dem since 1964. But GOPs still see it as flippable.

The two top Republicans running in the primary last Tuesday?

Mbongo Mbabwe, a Nigerian immigrant, and Caroline Kane, an over-the-hill bleach-blonde “Christian mom for liberty.”

Two newcomers, one big difference: Kane pals around with Nazis. She’s a regular on The Stew Peters Show (I alluded to this last week), spewing opinions on morality and Jesus as Peters denies the Holocaust and talks about beating up Jews.

When Kane got the endorsement of the Houston Chronicle, I was ecstatic. Nobody had made the Kane/Peters connection yet. It was my story, my baby! With the Chronicle’s endorsement, I figured Kane would be a shoo-in, and I’d get eight months of material raking her over the “coles.”

I had dreams of riding the story to national prominence, fulfilling my lifelong ambition to be on The View.

Whoopi: “So David, tell us about this shocking story from Texas.”

David: “Holy shit it stinks in here! I mean, I always figured you old bats never wash, but Jesus Christ the studio smells like a free clinic during a yeast infection outbreak.”

(Yes, I’m now doing Family Guy-style cutaways in my column.)

A week before the election, I emailed Kane:

On his February 10th show, Holocaust-denying Peters hosted an “artist” named Arthur Kwon Lee, who refers to Jews as “sewer dwellers.” Affirming that view, Peters stated, “The problem isn’t Zionism, the problem is Jews,” adding, “Jews are cowards. They fake being Jews,” again reiterating, “What do you think the problem is with America? The Jews.”

Lee then states that the time has come to “physically fight” the Jews, to which Peters replies, “I agree. I agree a thousand percent.” Lee states, “Right now the fight is between whites and Jews, and all other ethnicities have to pick a side.” Peters nods in agreement, adding, “Grab a weapon.”

This sounds rather like a call to violence. Does this give you pause regarding appearing on Peters’ show again? If not, I’d very much like to know your reasons, which I’ll print in full in my upcoming column.

Kane, a sniveling coward, refused to respond.

I emailed the entire Houston Chronicle editorial board asking if Kane’s collaboration with Peters might cause them to review their endorsement. They refused to reply.

I never knew Texas was so full of cowards. Lone Star State? More like Don Knotts State.

Prepping for Kane’s primary victory, I even had two potential nicknames for her: “Lord Yee-Haw-Haw” and “Eva Braunfels.”

I am so precious.

But the Texas GOP voters in CD7 chose the Nigerian! By a huge margin! 42 percent to Kane’s 24 percent. Red-state GOPs chose the Bongo over the past-her-prime blonde liberty mom (as with Katie Porter and black men, Kane’s exactly the kind of used-up prune most GOP men can actually attain).

But, though Mbongo came close to 50 percent, he just missed the mark. So there’ll be a runoff on May 28.

The race is actually quite interesting. Kenneth Omoruyi (no, his name’s not Mbongo; I just like being a dick) is a highly educated man who worked in the oil and gas industry in Lagos. He ran a campaign talking about substantive issues like energy policy, while Kane’s entire campaign was her mindlessly repeating “Jesus” and “liberty” as she palled around with psychotic Jew-haters.

And now we have a runoff in May. So I’d like to issue a challenge: Stew Peters, Nick Fuentes, Ron Unz, Candace Owens, these are the imbeciles who believe that the right’s future lies in Jew-hatred and Holocaust denial. I say it doesn’t. How about we use May 28 as a test? I’ll put up $5,000 that Kane gets her clock cleaned by those red-state Republicans. Will any Nazi take that bet? You’ll have two and a half months to let the RED STATERS of CD7 know that Kane is the BASED candidate! The candidate of Holohoax and Protocols of Zion! She should win handily over some African savage, no? Because we’re not talking about the general, but a closed red-state GOP runoff.

Who’ll take my bet? Peters? I know that $5,000 is nothing to you. Fuentes? With all the welfare you get from supporters, you spend $5,000 a day just on hush money to Ali Alexander’s teenage victims.

I say the average GOP voter is repelled by Nazism and Holocaust denial. You say otherwise, that it’s a winning strategy. Let’s put that to the test on May 28. C’mon, guys—humiliate me! Prove me wrong!

I have the courage of my convictions. Do you?

Several days before Super Tuesday, another Stew Peters acolyte—Jew-hating Scottish leftist George Galloway—coasted to victory in a U.K. by-election. He’s now an MP (his first act after winning? A video supporting his good pal “Tooker Carlson”). And last Tuesday in L.A., far-left black Muslim Khallid al-Alim, who thinks Jews faked everything from the Holocaust to Sandy Hook, surged to a runoff thanks to $690,000 from the UTLA teachers’ union, which bankrolled his campaign of Jew-bashing.

“Kill them bleedin’ Jews” Galloway was embraced by U.K. leftists. “Them muthafuckin’ Jews faked the Holocaust” al-Alim made it to a runoff thanks to Dem voters and the teachers’ union.

The lesson to rightists? Leave the Jew-hatred to the degenerate left. It works for them. It doesn’t work for you. The heart and soul of the GOP is working-class whites. These are good people. Moral people. They are not the hate-filled Nazis of Ibram Kendi’s fever dreams. They don’t respond well to “beat up Jews,” and they respond even worse to blasphemers who say, “God commands us to beat up Jews.”

The road to victory for rightists doesn’t start with Stew Peters and his fellow Nazis. It ends with them.

But maybe I’m wrong. So will one of the based Nazibois put up five grand on the May 28 CD7 runoff?

I hope so.

Okay, next week in Part II, the George Gascon DA race, and what the primary told us about the only Jew I would beat up—George Soros.