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With Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis busy running the third-largest state, enacting a magnificently conservative agenda, promoting a new book, and having to respond to endless demands that he run for president (not to mention banning the words “gay” and “slavery” — the man’s a whirlwind of activity!), I thought I’d jot down a few ideas for his presidential announcement speech.

Here are some of the main points I think he should hit.

— “We are never going back to the party of Paul Ryan!” (Donald Trump, 2023 CPAC)

During his first two years in office, Trump had a Republican House and a Republican Senate. He’d just won a stunning upset victory that should have scared the bejesus out of every Republican in Washington. The people had spoken! They wanted a wall, not more tax cuts.

But Ryan wanted to cut taxes, so Trump forgot all about the wall and gave them tax cuts. (In fairness to Trump, challenging Ryan and pushing for wall funding would have required making a phone call.)

HEADLINE: “Ryan gets big — and much-needed — win on tax cuts” — Politico, Nov. 16, 2017

From the article:

“Loathed by the Breitbart wing of the Republican Party — which sees Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as Trump’s biggest obstacle to making America great again — the Wisconsin Republican scored a major victory in Thursday’s 227-205 vote to pass a massive tax-cut package that dramatically alters the U.S. tax code … [T]he biggest legislative win so far for Trump is an issue that Ryan has been working on for virtually his entire career.”

— “Now we have complete chaos [at the border], fentanyl is pouring in and families are being destroyed. There is death everywhere caused by incompetence.” (Trump, 2023 CPAC)

In fact, drug overdose deaths in America skyrocketed during the No-Wall/Open-Borders policy of the Trump administration, going from an average of about 50,000 a year in Obama’s second term to more than 90,000 in Trump’s last year in office.

Even in his CPAC speech, full of preposterous, fantastical claims about all the great things he did, Trump couldn’t stay focused on the (now) 100,000 Americans who die of drug overdoses every year — something that is 100% attributable to not having a border wall. After briefly mentioning fentanyl, he got right back to something much more important — Syria and Iraq!

Trump said — no ellipses, this is exactly what he said — “Fentanyl is a big problem. In fact with the ISIS caliphate, a certain general said, it can only be done in three years, it probably cannot be done at all, sir. And I did it in three weeks. I went over to Iraq. Met a great general. ‘Sir, I can do it in three weeks.’ You heard that story.”

What on Earth? The man makes Biden look razor sharp.

— “I stood firm against the forces of anarchy and decay. I arrested the Marxists who toppled statues of our great heroes in Washington, D.C. I arrested them. They were knocking down the most beautiful artwork, the most beautiful statues of great heroes. They didn’t even know who they were, they just wanted anarchy.” (Trump, 2023 CPAC)

Under President Trump, hundreds of national treasures were destroyed, mangled, defaced, thrown into lakes, chopped up, melted down, hidden away or renamed. It was the greatest desecration of our country’s inheritance since the British set fire to the White House during the War of 1812.

Among the casualties were memorials not only to anyone who ever had anything to do with the Confederacy (on the plus side, black SAT scores immediately improved!), but also statues of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Ulysses S. Grant, Francis Scott Key and Christopher Columbus. Also, a statue of an elk in Portland, Oregon.

In DeSantis’ Florida, no monuments or statues were toppled or defaced — not even the Confederate ones. About a dozen park names were changed and statues moved to other locations, but 75 Confederate memorials still stand in the Sunshine State, including an obelisk at Florida’s state capitol.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a president who gave a damn about our country’s heritage and beautiful artwork?

— “Republicans must compete using every lawful means to win. That means swamping the left with mail-in votes, early votes and Election Day votes.” (Trump, 2023 CPAC)

Before the absolutely vital Senate runoff election in Georgia in January 2021, Trump did everything he could to discourage Republicans from voting.

HEADLINE: “Turnout dip among Georgia Republicans flipped U.S. Senate” — Atlanta Journal Constitution, Feb. 2, 2021

The AJC reported: “Trump’s message that the election was stolen discouraged voters such as Craig Roland, a 61-year-old Rome resident. Roland said he didn’t believe his vote would count. ‘What good would it have done to vote? They have votes that got changed,’ Roland said. ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever vote again.'”

— “We will keep men out of women’s sports.” (Trump, 2023 CPAC)

It was during Trump’s first year in office that biological men competing in women’s events destroyed women’s soccer and track and field in Connecticut, an absurdity that quickly spread to the rest of the country. Trump did nothing about it, unless you count a strongly worded tweet. (Heard of Title IX?)

Gov. DeSantis signed a bill prohibiting biological males (according to their birth certificates) from competing in women’s sports in any interscholastic, intercollegiate, intramural or club athletic teams or sports that are sponsored by a public secondary school, high school, public college or university institution in the state of Florida.

— “I will revoke every Biden policy promoting the chemical castration and sexual mutilation of our youth and ask Congress to send me a bill prohibiting child sexual mutilation in all 50 states.” (Trump, 2023 CPAC)

The entire transgender craze kicked off during the Trump administration, and it continued unabated throughout the Trump administration.

By contrast, acting at the behest of Gov. DeSantis, Florida medical boards have issued rules prohibiting the poisoning and mutilation of youth under 18 years old, one of the first such policies in the nation.

— “[Fox News host] Sean Hannity should get a [Pulitzer] prize … Tucker should get a prize.” (Trump, 2023 CPAC)

Hmmm. After the election, Hannity was “privately disgusted by Trump … but was scared to lose viewers,” according to Rupert Murdoch. In texts, Tucker Carlson called Trump “a demonic force” and “a destroyer.”

I don’t know if having a tenuous grasp of the obvious warrants a Pulitzer Prize, but if those are Trump’s biggest boosters, he may want to go back to Kanye West and Nick Fuentes.