Well, then. That settles that. Clearly it is the straight, white, patriarchal overlords who are the maladjusted ones in this equation.

Just as the word “homosexual” has been supplanted by the now-archaic mood descriptor “gay,” perhaps we should stop labeling these people “transgendered” and instead call them “angry.”

Like so many in the topsy-turvy social-justice demimonde, they insist that you accept them while they reject everything you represent. They stomp their stiletto heels and demand the same privileges as you, even though they’re really asking for special privileges catering to their precious specialness. They want warm, welcoming, gender-fluid public restrooms where they can release their fluids without feeling ashamed. They want you to penetrate them in a dark motel room without the risk of being beaten up when you realize they have a ding-dong. They don’t want to be humiliated by cops who are confused when they don’t appear to match the gender description on their driver’s license. They want prison cells that fit their gender identity and not their birth certificate. They want the right to constantly throw public tantrums over the slightest imagined insult without people defaming them as mentally ill. They don’t want ANYONE to tell jokes about them”€”EVER!!! They want to be treated just like you and me, despite the fact that their entire identity is based on being completely different than you and me.

In this peculiar fairy tale, only the cisgendered enjoy unearned privilege, because there is certainly no privilege in being a white trust-fundie with enough time and money to obsess over transforming oneself from a guy to a gal. By necessity, these fumbling attempts to normalize what is transparently aberrant are dripping with hypocrisy. The “Die Cis Scum” narrative inverts reality and turns what is normal into a pathology and what is freakish into something prosaic”€”even wholesome. It takes the hate that these sexually confused and genitally bewildered people have likely endured their entire lives and flings it back at the haters, only this time the hate is deemed righteous rather than hateful. That’s because in this hateful society, where normal people with normal genitals walk around mocking and oppressing teratological anomalies and surgically altered sideshow attractions, the transgendered are powerless and thus unable to hate or wish harm or kill, even if they’re hating you, wishing harm upon you, or killing you.

Still, all this frantic, misguided rage misses its target, at least in my case. Their hate rolls off me like water off the backs of Daffy or Donald Duck”€”two cartoon figures of yore that were clearly male heterosexuals and made no bones about it. I laughed my balls off the entire time I was researching this article, and as a result I have accidentally transitioned from cisgender to transgender. Thanks, guys. Sorry”€”thanks, girls. I mean, thanks [INSERT GENDER PRONOUN OF CHOICE]. You dudes are the best.