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My columns are written four days before you read them. I’m not an “on the spot” reporter; I don’t do breaking news. If the Hindenburg were on fire, I wouldn’t be the whiny faggot screaming, “Oh, the humanity!” I’d be the bespectacled dumbass submitting a long-form essay “Transatlantic Zeppelins: Impeccable Record, Sound Investment.”

My point being, sure, you all want to read about the Trump shooting. But here’s what I wrote before that happened, and it’s so unexciting it opens with this sentence:

Some years ago I noticed that the paint on my house was peeling.

Be honest; it’s hilarious that this was my intro in a week that turned from doldrum to dervish too late for my deadline.

So, back to my peeling paint.

As my home is surrounded by foliage, I chose to repaint in “bottle green.”

Now, in L.A. you don’t hire a painter—you hire an overseer of Mexicans. And my overseñor was an amiable gay gentleman who told me, “Let’s vary the shades. Medium for the walls, deep for the trim, and light for the garage door.”

And I was like, “Your call, Buttfuck McManus. I trust your instincts in all matters except where a penis belongs.”

So the house gets repainted, and all’s right with the world.

For a few years.

In 2020 my neighborhood’s homeowners association was sold to a property management company in Dania Beach, Florida. Yes, I realize that to today’s rightists, things like maps and mileage are seen as Jew trickery not to be trusted, but seriously, Dania Beach is really far from Beverly Hills.

I know, I know…kilometers are how Jews FOOL US into thinking the world is round, and thank you Candace Owens for alerting us to that nefarious conspiracy. But still—it was odd to wake up one day to find that my HOA was suddenly on the opposite coast.

In April 2020 I got a warning from the Florida Cubans who now oversaw my property: “Hey mang, djoo garage door be faded so djoo gots to repaint it.”

I replied with the utmost politeness. “Dearest mang, this Djew believes djoo made a mistake. The garage door is not faded; it’s simply a lighter green than the stucco surrounding it.”

“Sorry, mang,” Tonedeaf Montana replied. “I thought it be faded ’n’ shit. But djoo tell me it ain’t, we cool.”

2022, same thing. A new mang hassled me about the door. I responded as I had before, and he dropped the matter.

Last week, a female mang—mangette?—hassled me again. “Djoo garage door all fayded an’ sheet.”

“No, motel chainsaw assassin from Scarface, it’s not faded. It’s just a lighter color, and if you were here in person, you’d see that for yourself.”

Next thing I know, four of our armed rent-a-cops are lined up outside my house snapping photos of my garage like tourists at Buckingham Palace.

And mangette is like, “I jus’ got dee pitchers…djour garage door be faded…djoo gots to repaint or djoo be fined.”

Okay, that’s the tale. What’s the lesson?

The lesson is, the HOA has a decent chance that I’m gonna give in and repaint the door because at a certain point the rightness or wrongness of an argument becomes irrelevant. If you hassle somebody enough you can wear them down to where you win the war not via righteousness but attrition. Sure, some of you are saying. “Fight ’em! Fight them Cubans in court!” But when you’re a passive spectator in a dispute, as you are with my garage door, it’s theoretical. But when you’re a participant, it’s practical.

Two weeks ago I wrote about the SCOTUS decision in the J6 obstruction case. I slammed the conservative majority (joined by Jumanji Jackson) for taking a narrow interpretation of the statute in question (“obstruction as defined only involves document destruction”), and I praised Amy Coney Barrett for her expansive interpretation (“obstruction as defined can also involve physical intimidation of humans”).

I got blowback from rightists who claimed that the SCOTUS “originalists” were correct on the finer legal points.

Okay, but for the past year MAGAs have been chanting “lawfare” like parrots. “Lawfare BRAAACK! Lawfare BRAAAAAACK!”

Well, WTF is lawfare? It’s setting aside rightness and wrongness to use the law to wear down an opponent.

Braaaaack.

Barrett’s dissent in the J6 case was an expansive reading of a statute. Not nearly as expansive as Roe v. Wade (“there’s a right to privacy I just discovered that means fetuses can be used as footballs”). Also, not nearly as expansive as the conservative SCOTUS majority’s view that the Second Amendment’s “well-regulated militia” clause means DeQuandrius Jackshun gets an AR-15.

Ooh, you’re angry now. You like private gun ownership.

So do I.

And in order to expand private gun ownership you favor expansive readings.

Well, I support expansive readings that send thugs to prison.

We can argue the rightness or wrongness all day. Or we can admit that it comes down to bias. Alito, Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch think it’s cool for MAGAs to riot, so they interpreted the obstruction statute in a way that rioting MAGAs can’t face obstruction charges if they harm humans. Jumanji Jackson concurred because she understands that this narrow interpretation will help her fellow blacks should Trump be reelected in November and BLMs storm the Capitol.

I want all lawbreakers behind bars or dead. That’s my bias. As I’ve written before, as a kid in the 1970s, I rooted for Dean Wormer in Animal House and Judge Smails in Caddyshack. When Smails tells Danny, “I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber,” even as an 11-year-old, I loved him for that. Ashli Babbitt was no loss. George Floyd was no loss. I make no excuses for either of those criminals, and I support any interpretation of legal statutes that puts both of their kind in prison or six feet under.

If “lawfare” is a thing, as you Poso/Cerno/Bannon parrots say it is, then why not use it against your foes? That was my point in my column about the black thief who got 25-to-life for nonviolently stealing ONE slice of pizza from a white kid. That was lawfare. And it was good lawfare. Fuck that thug. It was lawfare for the benefit of those of value, at the expense of America’s genetic detritus.

That’s the point of my HOA story. I may not like the fact that the mangs are stupidly confusing light green paint for faded paint, but still, this is how you win a war—you wear the other side down. I’m not pleased that the tactic’s being used against me, but it’s still a good tactic. I don’t take it personally. I’d gladly spend $300 to repaint my garage door if I could also get you fucks to understand how to use “lawfare” for society’s benefit.

In 2020 I contacted a host of rightist legal “experts” to ask if 42 U.S.C. § 1985 could be used to hamstring BLM in court after BLM’s leader admitted to the L.A. Times that riot victims were targeted based on race. I also told the “patriot lawyers” how California’s 2008 “Victims’ Bill of Rights,” a state constitutional amendment, could, via an expansive reading, be used to not only halt police defunding but hobble Soros/Gascon’s agenda.

And you know what I heard back? “Naw…it may not survive a SCOTUS challenge.”

You assholes, that ain’t the point. The point is to “mang” that garage door for as long as you can. Mang them into submission. SCOTUS just set J6 obstructors free. But those freaks have already spent years behind bars and their life savings on legal expenses.

This November, L.A. will likely boot Gascon. But what if we’d frustrated his agenda by tying it up in court the past four years? We’d have saved hundreds of good lives.

What if MAGA had listened to me in 2020 and focused on using the courts to “lawfare” BLM/Soros instead of going all-in on “VOTE FRAUD”? Well, there’d be no Trump fake electors/J6 criminal cases, Giuliani, Kraken bitch, and all the other MAGA morons wouldn’t be facing prison/bankruptcy/humiliation, and there’d be no Fox News/Dominion defamation defeat (Tucker might still have a real network behind him). If the Kallikaks had listened to me back when I said to “be like Nixon in 1960—maybe some dead people voted in Chicago, but keep your dignity and stay focused on fighting hippies because 1968 will be here before you know it,” you’d be looking at an assured November victory instead of indictments.

I’ve said many things over the past decade that’ve pissed off rightists. Get ready for my worst blasphemy yet: Gun culture’s screwed the right. While I’m a gun owner and I encourage all law-abiding Americans to keep a firearm for personal protection, nobody ever creeped me out more during my GOP years than the rightists who have a sexual fetish for guns. Jee-zuss…those pervs. They’d show off their weapons like a skin-trader caressing a teen whore.

Hours…hours I had to sit as Tricorn Spanglebanner forced me to admire his AR. And in my mind I was thinking, “Look, this is an instrument. Nothing more. A blender helps you make cake when you’re hungry, a gun helps you kill LaShawnius when you’re threatened. They’re tools; don’t fetishize them.”

Gun fetishists have been terrible for the right regarding law and order because they seek acceleration. They want a shooting war. They want a kablammo dystopia in which Grandma has to don a Kevlar vest and strap on her shotgun just to walk to the store for groceries.

They want that shit because it turns them on. What they don’t realize is, once you get to the point where a simple walk to the store becomes a Mad Max set piece, you’ve lost. What we owe grandmas is a street you can walk down in peace. We owe them “all lawbreakers behind bars,” not “lawbreakers roam the streets, but hey—shoot ’em before they shoot you!”

Yet rightist SCOTUS justices, who only display “expansive” imagination when it comes to gun ownership (mention guns and Thomas’ dick becomes more “expansive” than Barrett’s J6 defense), blanch at expansiveness when applied to measures that might stop our march toward dystopia.

That’s why I applauded Barrett’s dissent. I liked seeing a rightist justice for once take the side of law and order in a manner other than “give Grandma a machine gun.”

Preventative medicine…to forestall Mad Max, not make it cooler.

Trump’s gonna win or lose in November. If he wins, Antifa/BLM will get rowdy at the Capitol. If he loses, the MAGA “patriot army” will get rowdy at the Capitol. Barrett’s expansive interpretation in the J6 case would’ve put both camps away for obstruction. Now both camps have immunity.

If you get a boner thinking about how fun those clashes will be, well…enjoy your masturbatory apocalypse.

What rough beast, its hard-on come round at last, splooges towards Bethlehem to be stillborn?