April 25, 2014
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XANAX
This wonderful little stick of sedation comes in a tapeworm shaped pill and instantly turns coach into first class (right before you pass out for the entire flight). I can”t believe Ed Cocaine was arrested for having it. Everyone does Xanax.
COCAINE
I met a Columbian woman who told me all moms carry a small bag for daily use and the cops could care less. This is the way it was for us in the early 1900s. Cocaine is murder on someone over 40 but when you”re a young entrepreneur trying to make money in the big city, it’s a great way to stay engaged after midnight. Doing a line is too much, but if you put a small bump on the tip of a key, it will keep your client thinking, “I love it here.”
CRACK
“¨In Costa Rica, I did uncut cocaine. Unlike the city stuff, you could do it and get it up, eat a meal, or go to sleep. It was heaven on earth. Freebasing is a rich man’s way to burn off the crap they cut cocaine with and crack is the poor man’s version. The high is like speed but only lasts for ten minutes. I only smoked it once and it was with a homeless man outside a club. I danced my ass off that night.
SPEED
What people don”t get about the legalization debate is that many drugs have already been legalized. Hospitals have cocaine and every drugstore has speed. Virtually every college student and blogger has a prescription for Adderall, and if you read the bottle it says “amphetamine sulfate,” which is another way of saying “we put some salt in your speed so you”ll feel inclined to occasionally drink Gatorade.”
I heard Colbert once said, “Adderall is air-conditioning for the brain,” and I”ve always described it as “you, dipped in you sauce.” If you have to finish a book, do your taxes, or paint some intricate siding on the edge of your house, speed/meth/Adderall gives you the patience and the focus to do it perfectly. If I hadn”t had cocaine and Adderall in my history, my bank account would be approximately one-third of its present size.
KETAMINE
“¨This is snorted like coke by fags and it makes them act like tranquilized cats. You”ll never come across it and they”re going to do it whether it’s illegal or not so don”t worry about it.
MOLLY
“¨This is just really good E, which is also called MDMA. The drug releases your sexiest endorphins into your whole universe until everything around you feels like your wedding night. It is single-handedly responsible for turning Britain from a violent hellhole full of soccer hooligans into a groovy lovefest of “vibers.” The Robin to Molly’s Batman is a fluid called GHB and it makes making out feel like oral sex, though I don”t think it’s around anymore. Some kids have OD”d on it but some kids have also died in airplane accidents. To rail against the dangers of these drugs is about as mathematically accurate as saying “automatic weapons kill kids.”
HEROIN
Again, this is already legal. It’s called OxyContin. This is the grand heavyweight champion of drugs and I”ve lost at least a dozen friends to its incredibly powerful addiction. It feels really great”like making it to the toilet when you thought you were about to shit your pants”but you can come really close to that high with other drugs, so why risk it? Would you rather fuck a 10 with AIDS or an 8 with no STDs?
Heroin is the worst drug out there and if you”re worrying about drugs damaging your kids, you should focus 99% of your energy on this one. However, even in this extreme case, criminalization does more harm than good.
As Steve Pinker said to Steve Sailer, “People are surely better off with the truth.” Drugs are a dangerous vice but so are most things adults enjoy. We are sinners by nature. We”re trying to get better and we will if you just leave us alone and let us figure it all out on our own.
