This allows me a neat segue into the topic of climate, genetics, and IQ. The recently deceased J. Philippe Rushton famously”€”i.e., infamously”€”argued that cold environments favored the intelligent while warm climates favored the promiscuous. According to his theory, Ice People wound up with larger brains, while Sun People received the booby prize of larger libidos:

Evolutionary selection pressures are different in the hot savanna, where Negroids evolved, than in the cold Arctic, where Mongoloids evolved. I proposed that the farther north the populations migrated out of Africa, the more they encountered the cognitively demanding problems of gathering and storing food, acquiring shelter, making clothes, and raising children successfully during prolonged winters.

In a paper co-written with Arthur Jensen, Rushton speculates that “perhaps both the higher IQ and the larger brain are most parsimoniously explained in terms of the natural selection experienced in colder climates during human evolution.” Rushton also supports work by Richard Lynn that “shows that race differences in brain size and intelligence are both closely associated with low winter temperatures in the regions they inhabit.” A 2007 paper by the always feisty Satoshi Kanazawa bolsters Rushton and Lynn’s general contention that “the colder the climate on average, the higher the population’s intelligence.”

To me, the most convincing proof of European intelligence is the fact that white people got the hell out of Europe and began colonizing warmer climates. One of the sunniest perks about European colonialism is that it introduced Europeans to humid jungles and scorched deserts. So why the retreat? It wasn’t long ago that white Europeans were the planet’s decisive rulers, but then they decided it’d be a good idea to go and feel guilty about it. We generously bequeathed air conditioning upon the restless, sweaty, colored natives of sub-Saharan Africa and Central America, so I feel it’s a little unfair that they’re demanding their sunshine back. As more Sun People spill over America’s southern border like so many five-foot-tall rays of sunshine, I suspect that North America’s Ice People will gradually cede ground and flee toward the Arctic Circle until there are roughly a dozen of them stranded somewhere in the Yukon.

For better or worse, I will not be among them. Yes, my blue eyes and pale freckled skin make me an Ice Person. So, apparently, does the fact that I value individuality and hard work more than I esteem herd animals and welfare leeches.

But I’m sorry, fellow Ice Persons”€”cold weather is a deal-breaker for me. From this day forth until the trees start budding, there will be a constant silent scream inside me as I clench my teeth and await the first warm days. Even Georgia seems far too cold these days. Although my DNA comes from the land of ice and snow, my heart tells me to migrate where I”€™m able to dodge coconuts as they fall lazily from trees. The warmer, the better. I believe that I could live comfortably in sunglasses and Hawaiian shorts on a lawn chair atop a sunspot. Failing that, I intend to scan Craigslist to find apartments for rent near the Equator.