Source: Wikimedia Commons

As everyone who knows the difference between good and evil knows, racism is evil and it’s good to beat racists until their brains bleed out of their ears.

What a wide, winsome, wispy, wonderful, beautiful, benevolent, carefree, empowered, sassy, soul-stirring, humanity-uniting sight it would be to see all racists dropped into the deep, dark Pacific Ocean and slowly chewed to death by a multicultural array of sadistic international sharks! Would you jerk off to all the blood and screams like I would? Of course you would! That’s because you’re a good person like I am, and part of our duty as good people is to cackle sadistically as all the bad people suffer unending torment at our unmerciful hands.

But the problem with racism, as anyone who’s spent his life fighting racism like I have knows, is that once you put out one fire, you have to scurry over and stamp out three new fires. Racism NEVER dies.

Racist wildfires, induced by racial panics that are caused by racial stereotypes, have been spreading across the globe ever since different races started accidentally bumping into one another while hunting for grubs and tree bark approximately 23,000 years ago. Wherever there are different races, there is racial conflict. Coincidence? There’s a simple reason that the races can’t get along—that reason is called “racism.” And racism wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for cruel racist stereotypes. Sure, depending on how they’re expressed, these stereotypes can appear “cool” or “funny”—but make no mistake, they cause harm. Incalculable harm. Unquantifiable harm.

If you’re one of the racial groups demeaned by the stereotypes below, it can do you actual, measurable, billable damage. If phrased cleverly enough and delivered with precisely the right cadence, a racial joke can hurt more than having your skull clubbed by a bat-wielding Somalian or your guts stabbed into ribbons by a recent Mexican arrival to the USA.

Right now somewhere on this earth, there’s a black man having sex with a white woman. Does this bother you? Even a little bit? It does, doesn’t it? But why? Why should that bother you? Never mind the black man and white woman who are simply enjoying themselves—more importantly, what does it say about you that it obviously freaks you the fuck out? Have you ever asked yourself why you have trouble asking yourself the important questions? It’s an important question to ask yourself, and I say that as a friend. I am not ready to call you an ally, however, due to your weird hang-ups about black men having sex with white women.

The world is changing, my friend. Demographically speaking, we’ve gone from monochrome to duochrome to full-blown Stage Four CMYK. Therefore, if you don’t want to be justifiably beaten to death by a righteous mob of truncheon-wielding Oppressed Peoples, it is incumbent upon you to avoid speaking—and even thinking, but especially speaking—any of the stereotypes below in public anywhere on this planet.

1. AFRICAN-AMERICANS
They invented popular music, big lips, designer sneakers, and outer space. They communicate exclusively through rhymes, puzzle words, and secret cryptographic messages embedded in their raucous laughter. They are bigger and stronger than you are, and if you dare to maintain eye contact with them for more than three seconds, they will put 400 years’ worth of an ass-whuppin’ on you. They were once slaves, and they will never forgive you for that. Even if you can never forgive yourself for that, either, they still will never forgive you. Give them everything you have, and they’ll go a little easier than usual with the inevitable “rape and murder” voodoo thing that they do. If you suddenly find yourself surrounded by hostile African-American males, you can usually startle and disarm them by insulting their mothers. If you feel threatened by African-Americans in any way, jump in a nearby body of water (they can’t swim). Famous African-Americans include the football player O.J. Simpson and the murderer O.J. Simpson.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Banjo Lips, Blacky Chan, Cocoa Puff, Cornelius, Pickaninny, Lawn Jockey, Duck Butter

2. AFRICANS (GENERIC)
These are the sad, hapless lumps o’coal who weren’t fortunate enough to be captured by slave-drivers and transported to a better life in the USA, what with all its hifalutin air conditioning and Starbucks and electrical rhythm machines. Instead they were stranded back in the Motherland, strung out along giant sand plains and thick jungles with no iPhones, no food, no water, and in some cases even no air. They sometimes feed themselves by trading slime back and forth in one another’s mouth until one of them dies from starvation and the other one gets to eat the slime. They all have AIDS and they all keep giving it back and forth to each other. The only thing ever invented in sub-Saharan Africa was a method for tribesmen to keep a cow still so you can fuck it. A good day in an African village is when a local woman suffers a miscarriage, because then at least everyone gets to eat.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Tarbaby, Shvoogie, Mr. Bojangles, Moon Cricket, Kingfish, Eggplant, Bobblehead

3. ARABS
They invented the art of simultaneously raping and decapitating someone in God’s name. To their credit, they also invented rape and decapitation—but they were also the first to combine the two. If you get raped, they’ll cut off your head and call it justice. Some of them will even cut off your head WHILE raping you and call it justice. Their men are known for fucking young boys in the ass; every so often, one of these men gets angry and also decapitates the boy while ass-fucking him. Their so-called “God” is a real piece of work—angry, insecure, vengeful, sadistic, and always looking over his shoulder to see if people are talking shit about him. The only thing they ever invented was hummus, which tastes like baby puke. They’re all hairy and they smell. All of them. Even the babies. And even the hairy, smelly babies will rape you.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Sand Rat, Rock-Chucker, Jig-Abdul, Bomb-Builder, Boxcutter, Cave Negro, Diaper-Head, Dune Coon, Dusty Nuts

4. AMERICANS
Since I already covered the black ones and have a separate category for “Mexicans,” what I mean by “Americans” are the white ones. You know them—they’re the only group of people on the planet who are so stupid they’ve only mastered half a language—i.e., American English. Why are they so stupid? Because their brains are clogged with fat from eating barbecued pork chops and potato salad and potato chips and orange soda and dinner rolls and a half-gallon of ice cream for breakfast. They love their Bibles so much, they eat them, too. They are the world’s mutts, the ugliest people in the galaxy, a banged-up mishmash of every sour peasant’s face throughout history run through a blender and shat out the back of a McDonald’s. If there’s a God, tell me why did he put Americans in charge of the world?

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Yankee, Yanqui, Hick, People of Walmart, Redneck, Great Satan, Americoon

5. ASIANS
There are currently over four billion Asians on Earth right now, which means that collectively, Asians are a little over 16 billion feet tall. Yes, they’re smart—you can tell just by looking down at their faces—but never has a group been so smart while acting so stupid. Have you ever seen a big group of Asians try to dance? Have you seen them attempt to sing karaoke, that “art form” they presumably invented? Have you ever watched an Asian man trying to be sexy? Why do they drive like that? Why do they talk that way? Why can’t they pronounce “fried rice” properly? Did these so-called “super-geniuses” ever stop to consider whether rice stunts your growth? If they’re so smart, why can’t they get their eyes all the way open? They are the world’s original nerds. And one day soon, they will own everything. Or at least they’ll share it with the Jews.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Slope, Banana, Chinee, Chinko, Dr. Chinkenstein, Ricebreath, Chinkerbell, Dog-Muncher, Gink, Slant, Pineapple Lump, Fishhead

6. JEWS
The sneakiest snakes in the world. Bitter at the Old Testament God that gave them those noses, they not only own everything, they also control it, too, which is even worse. They even control robots that control the money that controls the media that controls the government. In case you were wondering, yes, the robots themselves are also Jewish. These viperous money-lenders plan, at some point over the next six years, to render us all sterile, drugged beasts of burden for their Supranational Zionist Leisure State. They hate us more than we hate them, and if you disagree, you’re an anti-Semite. I’m warning you not to say bad things about them, because Heebs can be extremely touchy. Just ask Hitler.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Hymie, Murray, Benny, Shecky, Jerry, Gerry, Melvin, Hyman, Herman, Sheldon

7. CANADIANS
When was the last time you thought about Canadians? Unless you’re Canadian, it’s been a while, right? Canada is so boring, even Canadians go for long stretches desperately trying to think of anything else. Canada has fewer people than California and more land than the USA, but what do Canucks have to show for it? Syrup? Hockey pucks? Ice? The sad fact, which all Canadians know but try to hide through relentless moral anti-American posturing, is that all Canadians have ever given the world is a white-hot, player-hating resentment for the much more glamorous and powerful country that shines directly to their south. If anyone from Canada gets famous, they immediately do the smart thing and move out of Canada. The dumb ones stay and pretend to have national pride, but that’s because no one else wants them.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Rubberhead, Canucklehead, Ice Person of Color, Moosefucker, Americans

8. ESKIMOS
Imagine sitting on all that ice for all that time and not coming up with a single idea. They live close to the North Pole and have an intimate knowledge of nature; for example, they have a love and respect for the migratory patterns of cold-water whales that borders on the lascivious. They can distinguish between different types of whale blubber merely by smelling it—they don’t even need to keep their eyes open. They are as fat as polar bears and are always slipping and sliding on the ice. No other ethnic group in the world can come up with the “ice sandwich”—a small slab of ice between two other slabs of ice—and call it an invention, much less their only one. Recent tests show that their DNA contains about 1.3% pure Abominable Snowman and trace elements of sea lion.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Snow Chink, Pie Face, Arctic Whale, Blubberbutt, Iglunatic

9. EUROPEANS
These knobby-kneed, thin-haired, milk-colored albino demons once ruled the world through sheer cunning, spite, ill will, dastardliness, derring-do, and a fair share of technology. These dumbfucks were lured out of the caves by some “Bible” from the Middle East and have been worshiping the Jew God ever since, at least when they’re not killing Jews. They decided to conquer the world (which was smart) and then apologize (which was dumb). They’ve spent the better part of the last century engaged in fratricidal wars and then inviting strangers in to replace their dead brothers. They are the only race in world history that has ever felt righteous about being driven extinct. At one time, they were simply arrogant—but now they’ve gone and blown it all to hell by being arrogant about the fact that they’re no longer arrogant. I give them ten years tops before they’re all dead or enslaved. Then again, maybe they could rule the world again in ten years. That’d be hilarious!

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Eurinal, Eurotrash, Nazi, Hitler, KKK, Mayonnaise Monkey, Undisputed Losers of Both World Wars

10. HALF-BREEDS
Is there a sadder soul on this sick sphere than the poor mixed-race baby who is born knowing that he or she will never be loved by either side and that they will thus be plunged into a shadow world of despair, rampant drug use, flippant behavior, traffic tickets, and self-harm? Haunted by ghosts of dueling races, the mixed baby is not two races…neither can they choose one race and suddenly become it…instead, they are no race at all. They are not greater than the sum of their parts; they are one part subtracted from the other, leaving zero. This is why they turn to heroin and TV dinners and bisexuality and telemarketing schemes. I hate to be the one to break it to them, but they are truly the children of the Devil. And I say that as a guy who doesn’t even believe in the Devil, so that should tell you something.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Blaxican, Bumblebee, Caublasian, Chex Mex, Chinegro, Spanegro, Chinkaboo, Jewrab, Cookies ’n’ Cream, Tragic Mulatto

11. GYPSIES
This hideous roving ragtag gaggle of tapir-faced monsters with haunted eyes has been an infected thorn in much of the Clean World’s side for centuries now. As the story goes, they were kicked out of India for being even dirtier than the Indians. Then they picked pockets and raped women all the way into Europe, spreading feces and disease and chaos and disrespectful behavior wherever they decided to hang their funny little flea-bitten fishermen’s hats. Still, these vagabonds who usually can’t even predict where their next meal is coming from have hoodwinked Europeans for years by pretending that they can tell the future. There’s something admirable about that. But don’t ever find yourself in a situation where you are surrounded by Gypsies. Even the children will rape you.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Fragrant, Honest, Industrious, Intelligent, Talented

12. INDIANS (DOT)
Their smart people make our smart people look stupid, but does it really matter if you can fix a computer and win a spelling bee if you’re that unattractive? I’ve seen underwear skid marks that are handsomer than your average dotheaded dude. And that country of theirs is one of the world’s biggest open-air toilets. Huddled together on a humid, tempestuous subcontinent, 1.3 billion Indians sweat and stink and shit and piss and offer orange peels to tiny, bite-sized elephant gods. Women set their entire bodies ablaze at the beginning of every Hindu marriage ceremony, and upon reaching age 50, every Hindu male is required to sacrifice both testicles to appease Shiva. At any given moment, Indians can produce more body odor than the rest of the planet combined. If you’ve never believed anything else I’ve ever told you, believe that body odor is a weapon that they will one day use against us.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Babu, Curry-Muncher, Buttonhead, Wog, Slurpee Jockey, Mangosteen

13. INDIANS (FEATHER)
Even though they were too stupid to invent the freaking wheel or an alphabet or a simple modest T-shirt, these proud and noble topless warriors once ruled the North American continent, kicking ass and taking scalps until the evil, pale-faced white man came with his stupid technology and gave them all free casinos. Before the white man arrived and taught them—well, tried to teach them—how to act like human beings, American Indians did a lot of work with corn. They grew corn. Sometimes, if one of the tribesmen was in touch with the Great Fire God, they’d even roast and eat corn. Often they’d do decorative things with corn. They’d save certain commemorative cobs as family heirlooms and heartwarming mementos. Lotta corn work with these Injuns. A very corn-focused people, they were back in the day. It’s a pity they didn’t know the first thing about firearms.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Alcoholic

14. MEXICANS
Ultra-fertile car thieves and insurance swindlers who pray to snakes and the Virgin Mary to help them achieve full blood vengeance against the gringo ghosts who pillaged their land and made them realize, for the first time in their millennia of tribal history, how truly short they were compared to other tribes. Drunk on Napoleonic rage, they’ve stormed America to put bedbugs in our motel rooms and feces in our salads and PCP in our school lunches. Your average Mexican male will sire twelve children and kill twelve people in his lifetime. Your average Mexican woman, stuck in a patriarchal culture, will make less than $10 for turning her first trick. It is a scientific fact that each extended Mexican family numbers roughly 125 million people, one of whom will be stealing your hubcaps one day sooner than you think.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Jumping Bean, Mexcrement, Anchor Baby, Dirty Sanchez, Four-Footer, Spicaninny

15. POLYNESIANS
With all those giant people living on those tiny South Pacific islands, isn’t there ever a risk that the islands could capsize? Pacific Islanders are some of the fattest and most primitive people on earth, which is quite a feat when you think about it, because primitive people tend to be more svelte. Speaking of primitive, does it get more tropically backward than grass skirts? And why are their men—these hulking, 400-pound buffalos—wearing skirts, anyway? They couldn’t make grass slacks? Then you put war paint on your faces and shake your chubby asses around and don’t expect us to think you’re a joke? Think again, Pineapple Joe.

Words you should NEVER use to describe them:
Big Fat Pig, Giant Obese Brown Person, Head Hunter, Polynitwit, Lava Lamp

Special End Note: As stated in the introductory comments, this is a list of horrible stereotypes that you should NOT ever use. If you can manage it, I would prefer if you never even THOUGHT of them again.